In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

This entry is prolly going to consist of MAJOR bitching..sorry.It seems that's my life right now and what it consists of.If you don't feel like reading about someone bitching then STOP reading right now..if you don't mind..then keep on.

Well I said that I would write back when I felt better..I don't though. :( But i'll still write anyway.Life is a mess.Every time ONE little stupid insignificant thing happens my dad goes CRAZY.It's like he is a drama queen and is just constantly searching for drama and conflict..and something to bitch about.Soo me and my mom had a long talk last night..about everything.Strangely enough,I felt a little bit better after talking with her.I truly see what she has to live through everyday.Like when you are in love..you grow to love the person more each day..she grows to HATE him more and more each day..

It's so sad and is taking a toll on me.Everyday I put on a fake smile..to hide the pain.Of course no one can see through it.And a song just came on.."i've been lonely too long"..i feel alone.Not because Nate isn't here..well that's not helping but because I don't really..have a father.yes he's my father..does he act like one? No.That's the major source of conflict in MY life.I have a mother..I need a father.

You know how they say that the holidays are the lonliest time of the year for people? That's how it is here.Christmas time is one of the worst times for me.Plus I don't feel well so It goes along with the mood I have this time of the year.My father is probably the answer to the question of why I am soo moody.I also feel that no one understands me and what i'm going through.It's so easy for someone to say "you'll be ok.." heh.I listen to people bitching 24 hours and when I bitch..NO ONE is around.That's not right.

And when I was talking to my mom I sensed a lot of sadness in her too..she feels like she needs to change for people.She LIKES herself though..she just wants acceptance..and is insecure.She says that she thinks I got the psychology thing from her because we are both analytical.I think i learned more about her last night than I've ever known or learned about anyone.I've learned ALL my faults through her.But that's Ok..she is so strong and so patient.What would I do without her? She is the only one that has CONSTANTLY been there for me and not too caught up in her own problems to listen to me.We talked about Nate..and she has a friend out there that she also wishes she was here and they really relate and know each other well..she thinks they are soulmates.Yes you can have a friend for a soulmate.

We talked about pretty much everything..and what i can't tell Nate..I can tell her.She won't judge me..she'll tell me what i'm doing wrong though and shtuff.She said the only person she can talk to besides me is her friend..I am glad she has that.It's what she needs at this stage in her life.I said to her last night.."Ma,something has to change around here..things can't be going down this path forever..it's not working..i don't think anyone is happy." So she assured me there will be changes.I know she wants what's best for me so when she says there is changes,I am going to believe that there will be changes.And I know you have to go through the crappy times to get to the good times.

She deserves to be happy and I hope she goes about doing that.I worry about her all the time.I'm sure she'll be fine.Soo change of subject for a second..yesterday was my Art and Math final's..I think i ACED the Art one..I found out I got an A for the semester.Me was VERY happy about that. :) The math one I actually attempted some problems and think I did alright.I THINK I might have passed! lol and NO cheating was involved! Woo go me! Ooh my mom's birthday is coming up.I don't know what to get her..and it has to be something BIG since it is the big 5-0..lol.

I think my mom is like a fine wine..she gets better with age.I hope I am like her when I get older.She said last night she wants to be a little bit more like me..and I want to be a little bit more like her I have discovered.She thinks she's too funny and wants to be more serious..I said i'd like to be funnier..lol.We have our shit A LOT..she pisses me off a lot.We have our struggles.But after all of that we are always alright.That's what i love about the dynamic about us.I'd like to think me and Nate are that way.We are always going to be 'alright.'

Aww Avril's new song is on..i love that song.

Here's the lyrics.

"I'm With You"

I'm Standing on a bridge

I'm waitin in the dark

I thought that you'd be here by now

Theres nothing but the rain

No footsteps on the ground

I'm listening but theres no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Wont you take me by the hand

take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are

but I... I'm with you

im looking for a place

searching for a face

is anybody here i know

cause nothing's going right

and everything's a mess

and no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Wont you take me by the hand

take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are

but I... I'm with you

oh why is everything so confusing

maybe I'm just out of my mind

yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Wont you take me by the hand

take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are

but I... I'm with you

Take me by the hand

take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are

but I... I'm with you

I'm with you

Take me by the hand

take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are

but I... I'm with you

I'm with you

I'm with you...

Boy that song REALLY describes what's going on.

Soo anyway won't depress you all anymore.I'm going to go.Just letting everyone know what's going on.Well Nate..sweetie..i'll talk to you later.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

<< �� >>