In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: I'm glad by J Lo(is it ME or does the video look like a flashdance knock off?)

Readers..remember how I said I can't update in the morning anymore?? Well, throw that out..lol. I don't give a fuck anymore what my mom thinks. Screw that shit..yes..yesterday was as bad..maybe even 100 times more so than I thought it would be.

I am sure ya'll are getting sick of me writing about bad crap, but it seems to be consuming my life lately.

First off, I didn't even realize the girl who's been sitting next to me for nearly seven months now is pregnant. DOH! earth to Stacey. lol. I found out yesterday cos you could tell through the shirt she was wearing. We were taking a test and then she leaned over to me and whispered "I'm having a girl." All I could really do was smile..and feel bad for her. Teenage pregnancy..wow..it's extremely difficult. She'll prolly have to drop out. I know she'll be a great mom, she has it in her.

Oh anyway, so scratch those plans about the limo out..my friend found a good white limo for $45. And we will only have to pay for going there and back. Sounds good. All I have to contribute is 30 or something odd dollars.

I finally got off my ass and did my art work. All I did last week was sit there pretending to draw a turtle for our under the sea project..lol. Yesterday I used an exacto knife for the first time. At first, it was frustrating but then I got the hang of it.

I've come to a realization..I am NEVER going to drink soda in school again. BAD idea. The last few times I have gotten one, I felt like I wanted to pee sooo bad. Sorry for sharing..lol.

Actually, that was the GOOD part of the day..lol. Except for that stupid test and progress reports.

Then..oh lord. I walked into the car after school..said hey to my mom like I usually do..and..she didn't look like a happy camper. So I KNEW because it was written all over her face, so to speak, that she got into a fight with Steve(the asshole she's married to..at this point I'd rather not say he's my dad). So I said "Oh god..what happened now..you got into a fight w/ asshole?" So she said yeah..and then told me about it and I KNEW I'd be in for it when I got home.

Then I made a mistake and told her that in a SMALL way she has to love him because they've been together for what seems like a lifetime. So she laughed her ass off and kinda went nuts on me. So I got kind of ticked and just told her to forget what I said.

I got home..got online for a bit. Everything was fine pretty much. I was trying to dismiss what she said about my dad and see some good in him like I try to see in everyone. Me and Nate were talking..it was all good..until dinner time. My mom was barbecuing and I forgot that the timer for the oven went on. So she ran in the kitchen and started screaming her head off saying that everyone around here is and I quote: "Fucking Morons." Thanks mom. Then she said there could have been a fire. And no one was helping her and shit. So I said "Well you didn't ask." Of course, that made her yell MORE.

Then STEVE starts yelling at me and saying "Yeah..what do you do around here..absolutely nothing..you never help.." So I said "You don't do anything either..when do YOU ever help?" Then he said I should never talk like that to him away and I get away with murder. riight. So at this point, I HAD to go cos they were BOTH yelling at the SAME time so I left Nate. :(

Then..*sighs* he told me to "get the fuck out of his face." I wasn't even IN his face. So I said "Fine..I'd be more than happy to.." So he told me to never talk back to him and to "shut the fuck up and stop talking." So I of course kept going..lol..then he said "You spend too much time on the computer." So I said "For one..what the hell does that have to do with you..it's none of your business.." So then he said "none of my BUSINESS! ok..you don't do shit around here.." Then he said I am a and I quote: "a spoiled brat little bitchy ass princess.." So I said "yeah..ok.." under my breath.

Then he said "You know..you're not too smart..if I tell you to shut the fuck up you aren't supposed to keep talking.." So then I said "Yeah..like you ever talk to me anyway." that SET him off. You know WHY?! it's the truth. I think it's the best thing I ever said. The most true thing. Then he said he never should have moved down here and blah blah blah. Of course my mom was all quiet during this. Thanks mom. I can't even defend myself!!! He would have thrown something at me had I REALLY defended myself and told him HE was stupid and all kinds of other choice things that were on the tip of my tongue.

Then he said we are all "nothing"..all worthless pieces of shit. At this point I was just trying to tune him out and get my dinner..but considering I didn't want to be in the same room as him that wasn't happening. So I went upstairs..*sighs*..and cried..and cried..and cried. I am so sensitive. Maybe if he even took the TIME to get to know me, he'd know that. My mom didn't even really care. He was still yelling about me and all kinds of shit. Oh yeah..I am so spoiled..riiight..I NEVER get what I want.

So finally when it sounded like it was all quiet and I got some tissues to hide the evidence that I was bawling my eyes out..I walked downstairs to get dinner. So then Steve said "You can eat in here now..I know you, and your mom don't want to eat in the same room as me.." I was about to say "FUCK yeah..you've got that right.." You should have STAYED in New york..bastard.

My mom looked at me and said SO warmly I might add..riight.."What are you so pissy eyed about?" Wow..what a sweetie..*sarcasm* So I said "Where should I start?" Maybe with the fact that no one around here gives a fuck about me. So she told me to eat and I said "I don't have an appetite..I just want to die.." She said and I quote: "Don't be a moron..eat" So I ate..alone. Cried some more but then wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. Then I saw a freaking PILE UP of dishes..I figured they were left for me so I did them.

Mom I could tell was making an effort to talk to me..so I did..told her how I felt..of course in a whisper and asked her why she didn't help me when my dad was yelling. She then said because she kind of agreed with him and she would have looked like a hypocrite. She cares MORE about looking like a hypocrite than helping her daughter. How sad. Again, thanks mom.

She did thank me for doing the dishes and listened to me vent and said I did a good job of defending myself. Sure..I didn't even get out HALF of what I wanted to say. I couldn't...he would have gotten violent. By that point, the crying stopped. At that moment I heard "I'll stand by you" on the radio and cried once again..:(

So I asked her if she wanted to watch the movie we rented: "The Banger sisters" cos it's a comedy and we BOTH needed a good laugh. Especially me but today will be more of my mom's turn..he is going to start ANOTHER fight with her..ugh. If he starts on ME again..I'm going to set it off. I missed American Idol but we watched about an hour and a half of it until our eyes started closing and I told her we'd finish it tonight after Dawson's Creek.

The movie seems good so far. It's more inspiring than anything else. My mom AND I just want that bastard dead and the hell out of our lives. All he is good for is bitching and whining. Basically our roles around the house are :He's the bread winner, my mom cooks and cleans, and I am a piece of lint, literally. I stand for nothing.

It hurts..I won't lie. Then my mom asked me how, after she is successful I would feel when she gets a divorce and I said "You have my blessing..go ahead." So she said I only said that because I was angered and I said "No really..I don't feel like I have a dad anyway..he's never been around..to me, he is more like a sperm donar than anything else.." So I said "I just need a father." So she said "I just need a husband." It's so sad. And in a way..I don't WANT to be off the next few days..dealing with him and all his ugliness..on the inside AND outside.

You KNOW things are sucky when in a way, you just want to BE in school. I never thought it would come to this. And NO way is Steve taking me away from Nate. "oh things are going to change around here.." I was about to say "yeah I hope so..so you can move out." When he was in the other room I did flick him off though. I won't lie, that made me feel good. I know he'll be going to hell one day..where he belongs.

Nate is all I have..the one who makes me feel worth it..worth something. Only thing I am living for. All I need..is my bunny, and my friends. And I am set.

So today should be interesting to see how things play out. All I know is when I am 18 and out of here I am going to tell him EXACTLY how I feel and give him a piece of my mind. Telling him I hate him and everything he represents..hate him for what he has done to me..all the emotional and physical abuse..that he is a poor excuse for a person..that i hate him for all the tears..that I wish he was never born..that he is a miserable piece of scum..that I hate him for how he has made me and my mom feel..and that i hate how he never tried to love me.

My mom was all I had growing up. Things have changed..i've turned to more people..I feel happier..yet, I am held back..by him..by my resentment for him. For all these bottled up feelings.

Things will get better. But right now it's like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I come to school with this plastic smile when all I want to do is hide and cry inside.

Today, I am just going to try to dismiss it all. I don't know what I am doing on my days off, but I am most looking forward to talking to my fuzzy on the phone tomorrow and our anniversary on monday. Oh..and Dawsons tonight..and Friends tomorrow..when Joey and Rachel FINALLY kiss. (:

I have to present today. I know it won't be too great considering that my emotions are scattered everywhere..jumping all around and crap.

Well, have a great day all..and if anyone can tell me what I missed on A Idol..I'd appreciate it.

Honey..I love you so much. I am sorry about your grandma. :( I'll talk to you later. I miss you. (K)

"Follow your heart, but take your brain with you!"

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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