In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Walk of life by Dire Straits

Hey..*sighs* This is probably going to be a really emotional entry because I'm having a reallly bad day and I have a feeling that it's only going to get MUCH worse as this day goes on. Before I get into that..here's my day yesterday...

Well, I got online and wrote some people. I then went out to blockbuster with her to get some movies cos it was raining. I didn't really see anything that caught my eye so I decided to rent Sorority Boys and Rules of Attraction. Sorority Boys because Nate was telling me when we talked on the phone friday night how funny it was, and Rules of Attraction because James Van Der Beek is in it.

I just finished Rules of Attraction this morning actually. It was one of the weirdest, oddest movies I've seen in my entire life. I wouldn't recommend it. It was just too..dark for me. I don't know.

Well anyway, she brought back pizza for me so I ate, and was on here and watching that movie. I also did lots of laundry. Then she came home around 5 and told me to get dressed and ready for dinner, cos we were going out.

So I got ready and we picked up my aunt and at first went to the Verizon store because my mom is having lots of problems with her phone, and needs a new one. Looong story. Anyway, the technician wasn't around, so we left to go to the restaurant. The food was good, I had baked ziti. Then after that we went to Wal-mart to get a Dust Remover to clean the computer keyboard. We got that, and went to a Furniture store to see if they had a vase for my aunt. She did find one she liked, and my mom saw patio furniture she liked.

After that, it was getting late and we were all tired so we took her home. We came home, and I just konked out and went to bed.

Now onto why I'm so fucking upset. I swear I'm so hoarse right now from yelling at my mom and crying. :( She's fucking bitching at me because here we go again.."I'm lazy, I never mop the floor..I don't do anything." I think she's just taking stuff out on me cos right now like I've been saying, she's worried because her blood is thick and clumping and she might get a stroke if she doesn't treat it YET she's not sure if this is really the problem because she has to get another doctor's opinion..another loong story.

Basically I think she's mad also because last night she really wasn't in focus and I was poking fun at her because she was being ditzy. I thought she took it rather well until we dropped my aunt off and she said I really hurt her feelings. Ugh. I had to tell her I was only kidding, but of course that didn't do anything and I think she's still holding a grudge. She says she does stupid things around my aunt at times because she intimidates her. She has a LOT of issues with my aunt, yet she just spills it out to me and doesn't tell my aunt shit. She lets my aunt make her feel like shit, and sits there and laughs. So my aunt has no idea how she feels and continues to upset her.

So, yep she's taking everything out on me. I DO stuff around here!! Yet what I do is not enough. My dad doesn't do ANYTHING yet she vents off frustrations to me and she NEVER yells at him. She's so fucking scared of both of them, yet of course she's not scared of me. I'm sick of her bitching, her whining..I'm sick of being around her. I just wanna fucking leave. I know I'm gonna get bitched at more later for screaming and cursing at her. At this point I don't care. I just wanna punch a hole through a wall.

I'm so sick of life. And then this morning I find out that Nate needs to talk to me. Great..more bad news. :( Right now this is weighing heavily on my mind, trying to figure out what he could possibly want to talk to me about, and what MORE could possibly go wrong. I'm also getting bitched at for "being lazy" and "not cleaning my bathroom" so I think when I'm finished with this entry I'm going to have to do that. Right now I have a huge headache and I made the mistake of telling her that I have some things on my mind, so she used them against me and decided to just kick me when I'm down.

Sometimes I just wonder why the hell I am here. Did someone want to torture me so much?? Then this morning she tells me she's going to give away clothes for the clothing drive tomorrow. She took a lot of my clothes from the garage and put them in the bag and didn't even tell me!!! I just saw them in the bag before and got kinda mad but she said that I can't wear any of it anyway, which is true but I like the memories, the sentimental reasons behind a few things but they are going out tomorrow.

She's so inconsiderate and rude. I was talking before about how instead of just telling ME her thoughts, she should tell the people she has problems with, and she just said "yap, yap, yap" and stuck her hand in my face which pissed me off even more..it's like she's just waving me off and not even listening to me. Of course, she's laying a guilt trip on me for not mopping because she's having back problems. So once again, I am the bad one. Can someone just put a gun to my head? Take me out of my misery, cos I can't take it anymore. Between my dad's crap, and her's I am going to pull all my hair out.

Luckily I can't look at blood, and I don't believe in cutting and self-destruction and all that. Luckily I hate smoking and drugs and alcohol. Luckily I have some self esteem, even though she's taken a chunk of it away. Luckily I have an outlet to turn to when I'm fed up. I don't even know what to do about this pain anymore because it's all I know. I just want her to leave me alone, I want to be in peace. I feel like when I do the dishes, she doesn't care. She looks at what I DON'T do, she looks at what I can do better, she doesn't look at what I ACTUALLY do around here.

I think because everyone makes my mom feel like shit, she's just returning the favor. Like I said, if it's not her it's my dad complaining about how "selfish" and "ungrateful" I am. How I am so unfriendly. How I never put effort into anything. How I get "away with murder". How he wishes he had someone else as a kid. Basically just how my existance frustrates them both. Also luckily even though I give up on things when they get too difficult to face for me, I've never given up on life and I have yet to because I believe one day things will be going great for me.

I'm never going to quit life. I wouldn't do something stupid to end it, because deep down I want to be in this world. There's so much I am going to do later on, there's so much I have left to do that I am looking forward to. It just hurts so bad. It hurts to be torn down, it hurts to hear half the things that get told to me all the time. As much as I try not to let it bring me down and upset me and takes it's toll, it does. When I think I'm ok and all the tears have left my face, I get verbally beat on again.She doesn't even care that I cry, she just thinks its funny or calls me a "baby". My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions don't even mean anything to anyone around here.

I am not a bad person!!! But I am made out to be some villan. What did I do to deserve this?? I always say that I am alone, though I know I am not because I have Nate, I have you guys..but I don't have a family. :( Not a good one anyway. Not one that lifts me up, that supports me..cos they don't. They don't encourage me. They don't look for the good in me..they bring out the worst in me. So what I am trying to say is that if you have a good parent..a good mom, a good da, just a good family member, reach out to him/her..give them a hug and tell them how much you love them and what they mean because I would if I have that. If you do, consider yourself lucky and blessed and unfortunate and don't take it for granted.

I'm blessed to at least have a wonderful boyfriend and wonderful friends that care. I at least have that much. In the end, that's what matters and a lot of you guys have become my family when I've felt like I need one, so I thank you and I really can't begin to tell you how each and every one of you has done for me, has helped me, has grown with me. I love you guys so much, that I'd do anything for you. In different ways, you've all touched me and you hold a special place in my heart. Never forget it. Without you i'd be lost. <3

Anyway, right now there's a song on called "What A wonderful world" by Louie Armstrong and it just reminds me of my fifth grade graduation when I first heard this song and it brought me to tears, and still does to this day. It gives me hope that one day I'll have a wonderful life. Right now..I go on everyday hoping the next day is going to hold something good for me. Some good has to happen and if it doesn't, it will in the next life.

I'm stuck in the darkness, but I know there's a light around the corner..or I can cling onto the hope that there will be. Cos I have hope. Lots of it. I'm just holding on. Well I think I am going to end this. Just remember like I said, to appreciate the good people around you, that care, that love you because they might not be there the next time you turn around.

I'm going to go clean right now. Maybe it will take my mind off stuff. I hope you guys have a better weekend than I'm having. I am going to watch Sorority Boys later on, I need a good laugh. I just really hope this day doesn't continue on it's downward spirl. *sigh* Bye all *hugs*

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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