In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Boys of summer by The Ataris

Hey!! First of all..I want to say how much I appreciate every single person who wished me and Nate a Happy Anniversary. It means the world to us and MORE. You guys are such great friends, such amazing, wonderful people and we're so thankful for you guys in our lives. =) So thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Anyway, I know I said yesterday that I would edit later but between talking to Nate, and a lot being on my mind I just wasn't in the "writing mood." It was a great anniversary for me and Nate though. :) I am going to get to what has been on my mind..but first..I'd like to put up a song that kind of goes along to what me and Nate were talking about yesterday..which is forgiveness..But first..let's see..yesterday me and mom went out for lunch, and we were going to go out but there's something wrong with her car so therefore I didn't go anywhere..that was pretty much it for yesterday. I watched Fear Factor. Here's the song...I am going to bold the parts that relate to my thought process...

"Heart of the Matter"-Don Henley

I got the call today, I didn�t want to hear

But I knew that it would come

Old, true friend of ours was talking on the phone

She said you found someone

And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through

How I lost me, and you lost you

What are these voices outside love�s open door

Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

But I�m learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I knew, I�m learning again

I�ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it�s about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don�t love me anymore

Oh, these times are so uncertain

There�s a yearning undefined

People filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age?

Oh, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness

They�re the very things we kill, I guess

Oh, pride and competition

Cannot fill these empty arms

And the work I put between us

You know it doesn�t keep me warm

I�m learning to live without you now

But I miss you, baby

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I�d figured out, I have to learn again.

I�ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter

But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter

But I think it�s about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don�t love me anymore

There are people in your life who�ve come and gone

They let you down

You know, they hurt your pride

You better put it all behind you, baby

�Cause life goes on

You keep carrying that anger, it�ll eat you up inside, baby

I�ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it�s about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don�t love me

I�ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter

Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter

So I�m thinking about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don�t love me

Forgiveness (yeah)

Forgiveness (baby)

Forgiveness (oh, yeah)

Forgiveness (ah, yeah)

Forgiveness (oh)

Forgiveness

Even if you don�t love me anymore

Forgiveness (oh)

Forgiveness (yeah)

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Forgiveness� [fades]

Basically that's been on my mind since yesterday...forgiveness. It takes a VERY strong person to forgive somebody who did you wrong. To me, it's like saying "It's ok that you hurt me..I won't hold a grudge and I'll move on with my life..and maybe I won't forget what you did but I'll find it in my heart to just accept it and I won't feel any resentment toward for you it.." I just don't understand how a person can lose all that resentment for somebody that really hurt them so badly.

How they can just patch things up and just rationally move on..how someone can put a really bad situation behind them and NOT hate someone that caused them pain. When people are in pain I think it's only normal for them to want the person to feel the same pain they went through. I know it's best to forgive, but it's not an easy thing. In my opinion, some people aren't deserving of forgiveness. Some people are so rotten, some people did something SO bad that nothing they can do would make up for it, they've scarred you emotionally. See, with me I forgive the little things, but not the big things.

I know it's terrible to carry "emotional baggage" around but my father in particular has really made me suffer..has caused so much strife in my life. I don't want to sit there and say "It's ok dad that you've always been a terrible person and father..it's ok that you physically abused me..it's ok that you verbally abused me..it's ok that you were never around..." He's done SO Much bad to me so why would I or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and excuse him from all of the pain he has caused me?? How is that possible??

I'm trying to learn how to forgive but I just can't come to terms with it. How am I going to forgive an uncle who choked my cousin? Who tormented my aunt, my mom, my grandma? Who called me a fucking retard? Who has made my whole family miserable by for one marrying his wife, pissing his life away by gambling and who is a disgrace to the family...he even told my grandma that he hopes she dies..he's EVIL. You can't excuse evilness. He's done NO good in life, for our family. But my grandma would always say.."Though my son fucked up this family, though he's done a lot wrong and is not one of the greatest people..I forgive him..God forgives so I must too.." WTF?! How could someone put that behind them? I don't understand. It's like you're telling the person that they had a reason for what they did and they could hurt them all they want and it wouldn't matter.

I could understand if someone stepped on your toe and said "I'm sorry..forgive me." But NOT if someone tried to kill you. They tried to end your life..why are you going to atone for their sin? How are you just going to "Get past" the fact that they put a bullet in your head?? I am just trying to come to the terms with the whole forgiveness thing. The last thing I will say is I just don't understand WHY if someone did some REALLY bad things, should you just NOT be angry, and just be at peace? How can that happen?

That has been the main thing on my mind since Nate and me talked about it yesterday. He's on the other end of the spectrum, but of course I tried to see where he's coming from and what he's saying. Another thing on my mind is experiences. I don't have a lot of those. There's just so many places I want to go, so much to see. Sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck in a comfort zone I'd so desperately would love to get out of.

I know I am young and have so much more of a life to live, so much to learn and do, and see and experience so I shouldn't be in a rush. I just want to do all of that NOW. Another thing is that I get frustrated with things EASILY. Like, If I don't get something right away..I give up. I hate to call myself a quitter but I just don't stick around with anything long enough to really TRY. If I don't get it right away..BOOM i'm out of there. I'm not persistant at all and I feel like that is one of the things I need to work on. I need to try harder..or as Chris on Real World Paris says..lol honey.."HARDA" hehe.

So, yep that's been the bulk of what's been on my mind lately. Woo hoo thunder!! It's gonna rain. The rain makes me think MORE..lol. I wish I had one of those "thoughts off switches." I just want to address something else..A LOT of people write about dependency and how great it is to be independent but I think we are ALL dependent in some way..whether it be on our significant others, or our families or friends. We all need people..we all need each other. "We all need someone to lean on." We are all stronger and more efficient when we come together.

Wow..I think that's it for today lol..Maybe I'll come back later and put in some more thoughts. for now I'm out..gonna have some sunflower seeds and listen to some music. If I come back or not, have a great tuesday everybody and thanks much again. [[Hugs]] AWWW!! There's a FROG outside!!! :) How cute.

Nate I'll talk to you soon baby. :o) Ri Rove rou!! and remember.."If you really love someone, then distance matters only to the mind... not to the heart."

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