In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Can't let you go by Fabolous

Hey readers. If I thought MONDAY was bad..yesterday was at least 10000000 times WORSE. And no, i'm not just feeling sorry for myself.

First off, I am sure I failed my math test..I ALWAYS freeze up in tests..I'm a horrible test taker..especially in math. I do understand everything before the test but during the test it all becomes a blur.

Then the day through that was really boring.. I found out my friend..well Julie cares about me more than I thought. This is horrible but i've been kind of "Testing" her for a while and not hung out with her at lunch to see if she noticed I wasn't there..cruel I know but it was just something for me to see. So she came up to me and asked me where i've been. It's nice to see she cared. I needed to know that.

I had to clean the sinks in Art..usually I escape it but yep..I had to do some other odd jobs for the teacher..paint over people's pictures from a year ago and then scrub down all the sinks. It sucked.

Then throughout the whole day I was worrying about Nate because it sounded serious on what he wanted to tell me.

So I got home..waited online for an hour and I saw his name come online..I was a bit nervous to tell the truth on the news because as I said, I knew it wouldn't be good news.

And..it wasn't. What he told me..quite possibly made yesterday one of the worst days of my life..and i'm not exaggerating. Basically, he is not coming here this month..something happened that I don't want to talk about..if you really want to know you can contact me..but anyway, when he told me it felt like I was either hit with a ton of bricks or someone knocked all the life out of me.

I felt..numb. Sure, we decided that he will come in June and that maybe he wasn't meant to come this month, and it's fate's doing..and everything happens for a reason..and 2 months isn't far off..etc. But! Can you believe how CLOSE I was to seeing him?! It would be two weeks. I was cleaning and everything and we had this planned for months, and months. I'm just really sad..and I know this will linger for a long time.

He had to make a choice..it wasn't a bad choice..he didn't do a bad thing..it was just a choice. I felt so lifeless..like if the world ended at that moment I wouldn't give a shit. I felt like my heart stopped and it was being torn out piece by piece from my chest. I was..stunned. I was speechless. It just felt like everything was hitting me at once..I didn't know what to think, how to react..it felt like everything was in slow motion.

All I could do was cry..and that's all I did for much of the night. I told my mom..she of course couldn't careless..it was fairly obvious when I told her..while staring at the ground so she couldn't see me cry and she had nothing to say she just simply walked away..she's always walking away.

I felt yesterday like I had no one to to turn to..I felt completely and utterly alone. Alone in my own misery. I just felt like someone was stabbing me slowly throughout my whole body. I tried to be strong..to think positively..it's hard. At times I will do OK and think a good thought..at other times the negativity will overcome.

I've been soo looking forward to this. And now it's not going to happen..well it will but not as soon as original. It's a setback..and I understand that "good things come to those who wait.." and shit..but god the time was going to be finally here..and now it's going to be pushed back..it..sucks.

I just want to see him NOW! now..not in June..NOW. Of course, it's not that easy and we have a barrier of 2,000 miles. But is it so bad to just want to be with your boyfriend?! To kiss him, to hold him, to wrap him up in your warm embrace, to look him in the eyes for hours..without saying a word..just getting lost in his eyes, in his gaze, feeling his love all around me.

It's what I long for. I just..still can't process my thoughts. Nothing matters to me right now..not the government test I have today, not the report card I will be getting today, not the Marine Science test I have tomorrow, not the SAT'S on Saturday..nothing. I just feel like my world has ended. I just don't care anymore. I don't feel like i'm living..I feel like I am just existing. Like someone has taken me off the earth..it's a slow pain. I am not disappointed at him..I am though, a bit at my reaction but it's normal.

Sure, we are still together..sure we will survive this distance and be stronger..but..I just need him to hold me..to wrap his strong arms around me..look up at me and say "Stacey everything will be fine.." and give me a soft, and passionate kiss on the lips.

But the reality..is..I'm by myself. I am..but i'm not. It's strange. And I know this is all worth it but it's just..well blah..today I know I am not going to want to talk to anyone in school. I know i'll make it through the day but it will feel like i'm floating..like I'm there, yet my mind will be elsewhere. But anyway..enough of that..

Oh..so we talked like I said, and then I just couldn't take talking anymore. I was a mess by that point..I left him. I felt really really frozen at that moment..words couldn't come out of my mouth..nothing was forming right so I had to go..I felt it was better that way.

So after that..I read some depressing stories from Chicken Soup..bad idea..I cried..not good. Oh..I got April Fooled yesterday..someone got me good. I am so easy to pull a prank on. I am extremely gullible.

I after dinner talked to my mom and told her everything about how I feel..her reaction.."What do you want me to say..You'll get over it." What a bitch! I didn't want to hear that shit. I KNOW I made a mistake in confiding in her. I just felt desperate..there was no one else. So I told her that she didn't give a shit. What irritated me more was my dad was in a good mood and was trying to talk to me..I wasn't in the mood for his corny and sexually crude jokes.

I saw American Idol last night. It was..interesting..disco night. They had someone from Earth, wind, and fire on there as a Celeb guest. Overall..the highlights were of course Rubin, Kim L, and Clay..who did "everlasting love" really well..though Simon said he was horrible..blah to YOU simon! lol. I think Rickey, Kim C, and Carmen will be in the bottom three. My dad told me that Corey is no longer there because he had criminal charges and he wasn't honest with the show and didn't tell them.

So did Trenyce but she told him. My dad confessed to me that when we lived in New York he shoplifted..lol..he stole..a pen! How stupid.then I turned it on and bam they were talking about Corey. Damn it..I liked him. So yah, he's out of the competition. :( But he should have told them about his sis and all that. Anyway, I don't think Josh did too great..that's because he's a country singer.

I saw Real World too..I didn't cry. I was fighting back tears a BIT..and I say a bit. The big shocker is that Alton is moving to NY to be with Irulan..I didn't think it was THAT serious. They got a helicopter tour of the city..Arissa decided she doesn't want to deal with her family and doesn't want to go to Boston..oh and her mom called her up..Frank answered and she was completely trashed. So she's staying in Vegas. Frank and Steven are moving to an apartment together in LA where Frank will be going to USC. Trashy is also moving to LA..BIG surprise..lol.

Brynn is going back home in Portland and isn't sure about her relationship with Austin. They had a kind of tearful goodbye..of course Trashy and Steven had a makeout session..along with Steven and Arissa because they thought it would be funny to see him kiss a black girl..she and I quote said "I don't want him.." THEN! she looks over to the left and down..a TELL TALE sign that she was soo lying. She wanted a piece of Steven..lol.

They packed up their boxes..didn't look back. After the helicopter tour they all left one by one in their limos..and that was it. In a way it's nice to see it all end..it was pretty sucky. So next week, they are having a reunion special..that's pretty fast!! This should be interesting to see where they are all at now.

So the only thing that made me smile was American Idol..how pathetic..lol. Hearing Ruben sing like Barry White..all sexy..just made me laugh.

So anyway, I don't have to clean anymore..but I think I will anyway. My closets are a mess like I said.

Anyway, I am off. Dawson's tonight. (= I hope everyone has a better day than I will have.. I don't have time to write anyone now but i will later..i promise. bye bye..and sweetie, I love you. Don't forget that.

"Happiness can be defined, in part at least, as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want 'now' for what we want 'eventually'. --Stephen Covey

"True Love is a fantasy you feel in reality."

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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