In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Hello people..I am here. :) But this is not going to be some long ass entry consisting of me going on about insignificant shtuff..mainly. It's just me saying sorry for the crappy wording I used last entry about the templates. That "comment" I made was not directed toward anyone. What I meant was "IF" someone doesn't like my diary then that's fine because it's my diary..so I can do what I want with it. That's ALL I meant by that.

I guess I could have used better wording with that one.. *sigh* I don't think I expressed myself clearly, and for that I am truly sorry to all my readers..hell at times I am surprised I have people that even want to read my diary.

Anyway, Friends was a repeat last night.. :o( blah to them. God..I've just had the worst week ever. I am not going to write this whole crapload of shit so ya'll can feel sorry for me I am just going to simply say that it was a bad week and leave it at that. I was just crying for parts of the day because of Mr.Rogers death and all of that.

They were showing something on TV last night (a tribute to him) and it was so moving..very poignant and showed him at his best and the person he truly was. There is only "one you" as he said..and that's definitely true. There is definitely only one him. It sucks that someone soo good had to be expelled from the earth kind of early on. WHY the heck do the good people die before their time and the freaking vermon of the society live on forever? But I am sure he lived a good life and he met his goal and left a legacy that will never be forgotten.

Well to get off of that topic..me and mom got into ANOTHER fight yesterday..this time she is lashing out on ME! saying that I have not supported her and shit..and no one supports her. I don't understand fully of WHAT she expects ME to do for her. I truly think though, this is my way of getting back at HER for turning on me and Nate the way she did right in the midst of it all, that she doesn't support US so why should I support HER? Yes, that may sound childish. I DO think she'll do great in this business and I know she's not a failure but do I really want to give out her cards for an expo tomorrow if she hasn't even truly been there for ME? I don't know.

She said once she gets successful she will buy me a Mustang..LUCKILY I wasn't eating something cos at that point I thought I was going to CHOKE. So I laughed and she said "You think this is funny..well..just WAIT and see." Hmm..ok. Like I said, I know she will be a success but will she REALLY have enough money to buy me my dream car? I doubt it.

She just makes me feel like shit ALL THE TIME.."Stacey..you're not doing this right..NO stacey..that's not the way you do THAT"..geezus. I can see why I'm so hard on myself 75% of the time..at times I just feel like "Why am I even here, or AM I such a failure..OR the cliche' I don't do anything right." BUT! I know deep within my heart that that's not the truth. So, anyway, in art we are now painting. I feel so clumsy and out of place with a paintbrush in my hand. With a pen in my hand, I can make a masterpiece, I can write..with a paintbrush in my hand I feel kind of out of control..like at any moment I am going to have paint sploshes on my clothes or paint off the paper. It's just not "my calling" ..it makes me feel awkward whereas writing is just something like "a given" I guess you can say. Something that will always be there. Something that fills me with confidence and inspires me.

Painting is something I need to work at to be great at. Writing is just naturally something i've known i'm good at and have liked ever since I was young. Just like I know I am good on roller blades or ice skates. But the things I am not good at..I just don't TRY at. Can you see the logic in that? I guess, I need to better those things though. Why just focus on several things I am good at when I know there's more for me out there? There's so much more I am capable of. I just need to be confident. The initial is hard. It's hard to start off cos I am a bit shaky but I know I am a great finisher.

Just taking those baby steps is what I have to do. We are painting again today. This time I am going to do it more slowely, and deliberately and carefully and ACT as if painting is a gift and forget that I am not good at it, at least for a moment anyway. Maybe I could do that with Math..just truly focus and forget that I am horrible at math and just take it like I do writing.

There's so much more I KNOW I can be for myself..I have soo much more potential than I even think. If I just TRIED and stopped being soo lazy about it. Well anyway, I gotta get ready for today. It's going to be another scorcher. :o(

Honey..as I said to you..I know you truly are giving up smoking for me, and I really didn't think I would be the driving force behind anyone and they would give up a habit like that for ME and I know how good I have it. I have it better than most when it comes to love and I want you to feel like you are making the right decision. If I TRULY didn't think that was for the best, I wouldn't have said anything.

I love you..you, just like writing is just something that keeps me sane, and I care the world about you. Hell, I'd GIVE you the world if that's what you wanted. On weeks like this one..you just become my inspiration more than anything. Like I said "my piece of sanity." I'll talk to you later sweetie. Have a great day and DON'T get sick! lol.

Well buh bye readers. I shall return tomorrow.

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."--Rita Mae Brown

DAMMIT! Joshy is NOT going to be Superman! Screw those people! lol.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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