In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Step in the name of love-R Kelly

Hey! Well, I was supposed to have a new layout up now actually but I put it up and it looked absolutely TERRIBLE. It's a beautiful pic but a crappy ass layout, so it's time to search for a new one again. Grr I have the freaking Charles in Charge theme song in my head for some weird reason!

Yesterday was not one of my better days and today is shaping up to be the same. Just as I was writing some people, the mouse decided to crap out on me. My mom tried to clean it, but it didn't make the least bit of a difference so we had to replace it with a new mouse we had. Because I woke her up, she's all cranky now.

I made a BAD mistake of telling her I had intense tummy pains yesterday because now she's all concerned and thinks I have appendicitis. *rolls eyes* It was just gas and I know I have to watch what I eat. She notices EVERY little thing I do and if I tell her that even the slightest thing hurts me, she gets all freaked out and all 'hypochondriac' on me and thinks I am dying or something and says I must see a doctor right away. So, it looks like I have to go to the doctor soon for a 'female problem.' I am really not looking forward to it but I know something has to be done cos it's certainly not normal. It's nice that she cares and worries so much about me, yet it's so fucking irritating cos she's TOO overprotective.

My dad is off from work AGAIN which is a bad thing. Remember how I said that I wondered why he was so nice to me the past few days? Well now I know why. He was in a crappy mood yesterday, so he decided to yell at me about what I am going to do with my life. Of course, at this time I was doubling over in pain but I was online, listening to music trying to futz with that template and my mind was totally elsewhere so I just sat there, once again dumbfounded not knowing what to say so he started mumbling to himself and basically just being a moron. Of course, at the time that he did it my mom was out with that guy, he always talks to me when she's not around. Oh, her 'date' thing went ok, I guess..she said it was fine. Then after he yelled and bitched me out he has the fucking odasity to ask me to do something for him!! Of course, I had to or else more hell would have been inflicted so I gave in. The guy has no conscience really. I'm feeling better now but at the time I just wanted to jab a knife through his chest and hurt him, like he's pained me my whole entire life and continues to do to this day, only cos I let him and fuel the fire. I hate wondering everyday if he's going to blow up at me or not and cringing when he walks into the room. I wish he'd just go back to work already. Fucker.

My mom thinks that he got fired from his job cos he has been off WAY too much these days and it's just really weird and of course, annoying the shit out of me. I guess I'll have to look in the paper again for a job listing, because I need the money and just to shut him the fuck up once and for all. On top of that, me and Nate barely got any time to talk yesterday and I fell asleep before The Gauntlet or Average Joe started so blah to that.

Grrr I just hate not being able to stand up to my dad. Just being frozen really when he talks to me, like he holds all the power. I'm just sick of him, sick of living here, really sick of a lot of crap. Anyway, I saw this interview last night on MTV between Ja Rule and Minister Farrakhan. It was really interesting to hear about him and 50 cent's beef and about Tupac and Biggie and stuff like that and the whole hip-hop community. I just hope that this whole beef doesn't end up in tragedy like the Biggie/Tupac murders. It's scary cos it's said that Ja Rule's new CD Blood in my eye has all kinds of raps about threatening to kill 50 cent, people associated with him, his family. It's just all escalated and he's really feeding into the public cos before he had nothing to say to 50 and now he's finally coming out with some powerful stuff. I just think all the beef needs to end, it's not worth it when someone's life is at stake. I wish there could be a life of peace like John Lennon's song "Imagine" states.

Anyway, I watched 7th heaven in here last night, since I still can't watch it in my room. It was of course, rather cheesy at the end considering everything ended up well and just like they wanted. I wish life could be like that, that it could be some sort of fairytale where everyday you go running through the tulips and floating on clouds. HA real life is full of ups and downs and it's never, ever simple. The only times you get to enjoy life are when you're young, or when you've retired. Inbetween you have to work your ass off. I can't stand life anymore, more accurately..I can't stand MY life anymore. The weather is gloomy, just the way I feel. I'm just not getting anywhere. I ignore, I avoid, I run, I don't deal, I don't grow.

Grrr, but anyway, I've realized I am not an easy person to live with. The littlest things can really get under my skin and I just have no tolerance. I'm unfortunately just a demanding person and while watching the inspirational show yesterday, I realized I might have a hard heart. I am a critic (big time), I do tend to hold grudges, I do let things build inside me till they explode, I do want people to feel the pain if they have really hurt me and I know I shouldn't say such bad things about me but when I look inside myself, all of what I said is what I am seeing. Maybe it's just some devil that's putting bad thoughts in my head or something. Insecurity is definitely a torment. And I guess it's not only time for a layout change, it's time for a severe change within me too cos I can't continue on this path, being this way.

And I guess I do hide behind this computer screen so much cos I am trying to escape reality and I watch so much TV cos it is so mindless and it is then that I don't have to face myself or think. About anything. But if I turned the radio, TV, and computer off for a while I wonder what would happen. I'd have to listen to myself, I know that..I wouldn't be able to tune the world out. That would be interesting to do, even just for one day or something.

But anyway, the first step is I guess admitting that something needs to change, or else I'll continue being a bitter, scared, hard hearted person and I don't want that anymore. I'm gonna go now..I gotta eat and then I'm just gonna chill before me and Nate talk. I hope everyone has a wonderful day. *hugs*

"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high"-Stacie Orrico

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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