In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

I realize I haven't updated in quite some time. =/ I wish I had a clear cut reason of why but I really don't.

I did an update at livejournal a couple of days ago but I haven't obviously transferred it to here YET. But I will. :) Things have been going..not so well lately. I'm a sad, emotional mess once again..and nobody knows it but me. Well, until now. hah.

Things have gotten progressively worse around here. My dad has become even more of an annoyance and psycho case. Dealing with him makes me want to tear every single hair out of my head. My mom and him have completely drifted apart. There's so much hatred. As usual, I'm stuck right in the middle of it. I think more and more everyday that he exists solely to make my life and my mom's life an absolute living hell. God...he just frustrates and pisses me off to no freaking end.

I feel so void..like i'm going through the motions of everything. Everyday is the same..it ends up with me feeling lonely, empty..shitty. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to wake up..I know already what everyday is going to hold. I know that I am going to wake up, alone...hearing them yelling at each other, slamming doors..hear my mom venting about him for the millionth time. One of the few things that makes me happy in this world is miles and miles and miles away. I'm lost here by myself. I'm empty without him. I feel like I have nobody else..no one else that understands me the way he does, no one else that I feel completely myself with. I MISS HIM. It's so hard to go through everyday without him. :(

My birthday passed..I'm now 19. Woo hoo. Just another year older..I feel no different. Ugh..I have no ambition for anything...nothing. I feel like i'm existing, rather than living. I hate things..I hate this..I hate who I am right now..I hate living with these two people..I hate being 2,000 miles away from my best friend. I hate this turmoil, aggravation, tension, animosity, constant fighting. I despise it. It's just all pulling me further and further down..everything is.

I don't know how much more I can handle. I want to numb myself to everything..so I don't have to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to deal with emotions anymore..I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile..and genuinely mean it. I want to go through everyday without worrying about my dad blowing up, or my parents divorcing. I want to get away from it all and be with him..in his arms. When I'm in his arms, everything is ok and I so desperately NEED to feel that again..and soon. Or else..I'll explode. It's definitely getting to that point of exploding.

I guess I'll be back soon..I don't know. Take care all. <3

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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