In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Together again-Janet Jackson

Hellooo everyone. Yesterday was a crazy, crazy day. Not really in terms of events either, just the way I have been feeling lately. I've found myself being thrown into a whirlwind of emotion.

Maybe it's the rain and how it rains non stop everyday but I've had so much on my mind. I get lost in emotion, lost in thoughts. Changes are happening..as I am sure you saw my Sweetie closed his diary for a few days for certain and several reasons. He also has made a new private diary for himself just for his private thoughts and feelings and I have been thinking of doing the same for a LONG time. No I am NOT closing this diary..I would just have this diary, and then another one for myself if I decide to do that.

I wrote a poem yesterday..I really felt like I was at an all time creative low, but yesterday the words poured out easily..too easily..it's like everything that I've wanted to get out about how I feel about Nate, just got extracted from my mind and all rolled out onto the page. I'm not sure that it's one of my better poems but I'm putting it up later.

Yesterday my character was tested..several times. Me and Nate got into a small fight, and that being my fault..and JUST as I was saying to myself that we were doing good and not fighting in a while..lol. Of course we made up but here's what happened...We were talking and I was actually going to leave to go to the mall w/ my mom and aunt but it was raining and my aunt was having back problems so we decided to go out later on that night for dinner. I was working on the poem and he was working on that survey..and then he put it up..I read it..and something just 'rubbed' me the wrong way. Basically, in this relationship he is the one that thinks with his head (his gut) and I think with my heart..and let it follow and guide me and this is a really bad thing because I am just very connected with that and I am stuck in this fantasy/fairytale world where we will run through fields hand in hand forever and live happily ever after with this magical romance and real life doesn't turn out that way..I know it..I know better..yet I want forever..I see forever. In his heart, he knows we'll be together yet he thinks logically and knows life throws you curveballs and sometimes things don't turn out as planned or intended. Time will tell what the future holds in store for us since the future is always uncertain and I hope with all my heart that it holds all the happiness in the world.

He's more rooted in reality, I'm rooted in the clouds with my head stuck there. I have always found it hard to seperate my feelings, from what's in my head. I guess I need to prepare myself in my head for what happens if it doesn't work out so I won't be devastated and can be happy in life, yet I tell myself there's nothing to be prepared for because we are destined to be together..we always have been..he was just under my nose the entire time. I guess that makes me an eternal optimist, yet I know I'll learn that I need a combination of both ways of thinking.

Another thing I've found out..I am jealous. I knew that already..and I don't mean Jealous like I think Nate is cheating on me, cos I know he's not I mean I underestimate myself and think everyone has a certain something more than I do. Like, what I have is not enough and I need more. I search for a perfectionism in myself, that doesn't even exist..and I foolishly do that and set myself up for disappointment. I'm an underachiever because I don't have confidence. I think everyone is more intelligent than me, more wise..I think I don't stand out..I think nothing about me is really that special that makes people say "Wow..Stacey is different from the others and not just a face in the crowd." But Nate helped me to see that something about me DOES stand out..that I'm caring..that i'm a nice person..that I go that extra mile to show someone I am there..and that's a rare in a person. I am not trying to toot my own horn because trust me, I am the furthest thing from arrogant you can get..I just don't want to lose sight of the good things about me..I don't want to dwell on the bad.

I'm a really vulnerable person who is scared to trust. Over the years, because of hurt..because of experience..because of heartbreak I built up this wall, this wall that I hide behind..that is my security..that doesn't let people get behind it and see me for who I am..it makes me "comfortable". I was so afraid to step behind that wall and be vulnerable and trust someone again, and let someone into my life, my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions..it's a scary thing..yet Nate has made that wall crumble. I don't know how..but he has. My guard has went down, and unless I get a reason for it to go up, it's going to stay down. It makes me shaky..it's intense and I've never felt love like this before with so much strength, the power of it just is mind blowing. I feel like I've exposed myself to him, and like I said there's a vulnerability to that yet it feels SO liberating because I don't have to put on an act for him. He knows the REAL me..not who I pretend to be for an audience. He knows my heart, he knows my soul and I am glad I allowed myself to be close to someone because there's nothing better than this. He loves me despite my crap, despite me being difficult, and a handful and I don't feel lonely anymore. I didn't want to wallow in loneliness. I opened myself up to love, and it has hit me at a force of 1000 times per hour.

Though he's 2000 miles away..it feels like he's right here with me. And he will be soon! Helping me make decisions, giving me that extra push. I have so much to learn through him..He's the smartest person I know and it's like he's my teacher. :) I'm so blessed and so glad that I let him into my life, to share it with me..he is the closest thing to heaven I've ever had, he's the best thing ever in my life and if I lost him..it would be the worst day of my life. I'm glad that wall has come down, and he understands me and "gets" me..it amazes me more and more every single day that he can see through the facade and I love him for all he is, and I know when he tries to put up a front as well. We have a very dynamic, exhilirating relationship. He sees what I do, and what I don't say and he tolerates me and accepts me just like I accept him..and THAT is love.

I think this feeling of love has made me really listen to every lyric in a love song, has made me stare at the pouring rain and feel every single emotion I have held back for a very long time. Despite fighting with my parents, something going wrong..I'm happy. And I never thought I can say that. I have my flaws, but I have my strengths yet I know my flaws make me human because we are all flawed, but the bad things about us make us wonderful and beautiful.

Even if things don't always work out, I know in the end everything turns out the way it's supposed to and all works out for the best. If we don't get to go to Orlando, my life will go on. That's an innate possibility seeing as how the weather lately has sucked. But we have looked at resort prices. I couldn't believe last night how much it was raining after dinner and how COOL it was outside with that wind and rain. It was nice for once not to feel the humidity on my skin. The dinner went well..mainly because my aunt and dad are two-faced. They hate each other, but kiss up when they are together..lol. I am glad though because that prevents a confrontation to happen. When we got home, I called Nate and we talked for a few hours but I was DEAD to the world..lol. I had weird dreams about my family..they are leaving me creeped out. Wow..in exactly ONE month I'll be 18..hard to believe! I feel like I'm EIGHT sometimes.

Enough of deep talk..lol..we are going to see Chris and Denise on Thursday or Friday cos those lucky sumnabitches lol are going to the FL Keys Tuesday and Wednesday. Gah I can't wait to talk to Nate in a few hours but anyway, I am going to decide if I am going to make a private diary later, and I will come back and let ya'll know if I'm going to Orlando or not. AND I WILL put the poem up, so I am definitely going to return.

I gotta eat something soon and so I'm going to go But! I'm coming back!!! soo bye for now! *hugs*

PS: Glad you guys enjoyed the survey! :) There might be another later too..I'm just on a roll!! Lol oh yes..one of my FAVE songs..that relates to this entry!!!

"I Have Nothing"-Whitney Houston

Share my life

Take me for what I am

'Cause I'll never change

All my colors for you

Take my love

I'll never ask for too much

Just all that you are

And everything that you do

I don't really need to look

Very much further

I don't want to have to go

Where you don't follow

I won't hold it back again

This passion inside

Can't run from myself

There's nowhere to hide

Don't make me close one more door

I don't wanna hurt anymore

Stay in my arms if you dare

Or must I imagine you there

Don't walk away from me

I have nothing, nothing, nothing

If I don't have you

Don't make me close one more door

I don't wanna hurt anymore

Stay in my arms if you dare

Or must I imagine you there

Don't walk away from me

I have nothing, nothing, nothing

If I don't have you

You see through

Right to the heart of me

You break down my walls

With the strength of you love

I never knew love

Like I've known it with you

Will a memory survive

One I can hold on to

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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