In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

I said I was going to have an update now about whatever but that has been sidelined due to something important I want to address. The entry will come tomorrow..my fucking power went out for over an hour and just came back so now I finally have an opportunity to say what I need to say..

Me and Nate got into a fight today and as you can imagine, I'm sure..I am in low spirits right now. Normally, I'd just do an entry like this in endless-luv but I feel like doing it here.

I started this fight of course..we were talking for several hours and I just ruined everything which I seem to have a knack for doing. The topic of telling our parents about him coming to Florida came up and I told him that he needs to tell his parents soon. Of COURSE I fully understand that I have no room to talk since my dad knows who he is, but doesn't know he'll be here. I am holding off on it because he's going back to work and now is not the right time to do it because he's crabby and will most likely blow up at me so I am waiting until the next time he's off and then I fully intend on telling him. Anyway..

I asked Nate what he was so scared of and why he's procrastinating and asked why he hasn't told them yet. I thought of the worse and said that he must be ashamed of me. After I said it, I immediately realized I had jumped to conclusions, that he's not ashamed of all and how stupid of me to even think that and realized I am in no position to say things like that to him or to push him and he should do it when he was ready. I immediately felt bad too when he said he cried because of course, I never want to make him sad or make him feel bad or bring him down. I realized I had hurt him which hurt me as well. I hurt him for thinking what I did..but at the time I couldn't come up with anything else in my head. I wasn't thinking logically.

He told me everything would be Ok though I sort of believed it. I could tell it wouldn't because he got quiet. Of course I am not angered that he got quiet..I can understand it because I know that I hurt him badly so I thought I'd say I had to go to make it easier on the situation and so maybe we can each have alone time to think and reflect on it and then resolve it later on..like I said I was not angered or trying to be immature about it. I just felt bad because I know I made HIM feel bad and I couldn't even live with myself or the pain I had put him through..another reason why I left. It was gnawing at me.

I made one last ditch effort to patch things up..I'll get to that in a min..so he said "We'll talk tomorrow MAYBE." So I said "sure" because I was UPSET that he said "maybe." He KNOWS that of course I want to talk to him tomorrow but I was hurt at the maybe at the end of that sentence, hence "sure." To ME that "MAYBE" was nonchalant. I did care and I do care more about him more than he even knows..Hell before I was even debating calling him VERY much but I knew he'd be too upset to talk. Now I realize that "maybe" prolly meant differently than it sounded.

The last ditch effort was when I said that "I hate this" and I was hoping he'd say "I hate it too" but instead the response I got was.."I love you too." Wtf?! Sarcasm. I was so upset that I didn't know what to say and knew I had to remove myself from the situation. I wasn't trying to pay him back or play games..I was upset. Now just because I was hurt, and we ALL get hurt..doesn't mean I think any less of him or that he means any less to me. I can understand how he wouldn't be able to talk to me, and again this is why I said I had to go.

He's not a bad person or a bad boyfriend or any of that and I wasn't trying to be immature or whatever. I was bothered by the fact that at least my parents know who he is but his know nothing..but in the back of my mind I realize one of the reasons is because I'm not 18 yet..and I am sure there are others..another part of me..(the devil) says that that's not the reason so unfortunately I went with that. I even told him that I won't nag him and had no right to push him into telling his parents when I haven't told my dad yet. I told him I was wrong and it was my fault and like I said it KILLED me that it hurt him. I don't know why I listened to the devil when I knew in the back of my mind, he's not ashamed of me..that he'll tell when he's ready.

Again, I hate myself right now..I feel really horrible..not good about it at all and even though I was hurt by his sarcasm, I should have at least said bye. I take responsibility for my actions and I really do want to talk to him tomorrow. I do love him, I just should have said it regardless of how I felt at the time. I know "this too shall pass" and that we'll get through it. I'm just mad at myself..at stuff in general and I guess..I should have known better. I'm sorry sweetie..I'm so sorry. I love you so much. Fuck man I'm crying..I'm going to go. I just feel bad..bye ya'll.

Stace

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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