In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: I don't want to fight by Tina Turner

Hey guys. Shall I mention how badly I feel now? Nope guess not because I think you already know that..

I just had a long talk with my mom. And NO we didn't talk about Nate. We just talked about life in general. She really opened my eyes to a lot of things I really need to change about myself. She says that I take life and myself too seriously, very true...she says I am too hard on myself..very true.

Now, I know she didn't say these things to bring me down and just the WAY she said them made me really think and I wasn't getting defensive or felt like I was being attacked. She said I have a great mind..but I need to use it less..lol. Meaning: I need to stop thinking so much. I will agree with that. I'm just sick of being bitter, and focusing on other people first before me which at times makes me resentful. That's why sometimes I am distant and shut everyone out. If someone hurts you, just be more cautious next time around.

She told me to write a list about good things in general..good things about life, myself and just keep saying them in my head over and over. And to not focus on the bad, just the positive in myself. She said I need to stop feeling so bad when I know I hurt someone, because we all hurt each other. I told her at times I ACT like I don't care, so I won't get hurt. When I ACT like I care, I get hurt the most and thats when my heart gets trampled on.

But I DO care..and I do put EVERYONE before me and it's a terrible habit. I need to make sure I am happy first.

I need more confidence, I need more of a drive and the only way I will get respected is by LOVING myself. I told her that when I'm around someone or even talking to someone smarter than me, I say stupid things because I am trying to impress them and I feel inferior which is why I hate to say it but in the past I'd always choose friends who were inferior so I can feel better..when someone's my equal in the intelligence area it's a struggle though it doesn't have to be. I need to when I say something stupid, to say "That was dumb" before giving anyone else a chance to say it. I know that we are all human..no one is a god and I shouldn't feel this pressure to have everyone think a lot of me because I should know whats good about me and I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone. I am sick of making a fool of myself and letting people put me down before I can do it.

I know why I don't trust many people..I just wish I did. It's a very slow process for me but I just need to find SOME way to be more secure and happy within and then things will go better for me. It's a CONSTANT struggle but I am trying. I need to lighten up a bit, and loosen up and again, just stop being overly dramatic. The drama in me would make me a great actress..lol.

Once I really am happy, then I won't pay attention to what people think and I won't care so much about acceptance..because then if people don't like me I'll realize you can't please everyone and they are missing out. I just need constant reassurance and all that.

I hate hurting people..I'd rather stab myself in the chest 5000000 times than knowing I hurt someone. I know I am a decent person with a great heart and a wonderful mind..see that's a start, right? :) I do act immature and childish at times and play games that I really don't want to play now. I sometimes feel like I am not 17, but 37 with my overactive mind..lol.

I just don't want anyone to be sad because of me..I know it's a part of life though. I know we ALL face rejection and I know we all get hurt and used, and stepped on. I am just not sure who likes me for ME..or for something else but I don't want to think about it or care about it anymore. Rejections helps though..it does in some sort of way you just need to know how to move past that and to get back out there again. I just want to be able to go with the flow. Sure, I know how to have fun and I do a lot of times..but I should more. I'm too young to have THIS much on my mind all the time.

Once I see my abilities, I'll have more of an ambition..for now I'm just lazy. Life shouldn't be this constant struggle..I should just enjoy it. I don't want to be disappointed by people anymore because people are people and they are not superhuman and they will ALWAYS do SOMETHING to let you down. You just have to move on from that hurt, and just go on with your life and say "NEXT." I need to say..oh well someone doesn't want to be friends with me..they are not showing initative..too bad, their loss..and again that all comes with security. I can't be so sensitive and take things so personally and ALLOW myself to get hurt by being so emotional and having my heart on my sleeve. No one's going to live and die for you..you need to live and die for yourself. And that doesn't make you selfish..it makes you realistic.

I am going to do that list right now. :) I want to believe in myself desperately. Nate....I'm really sorry about everything. I know we'll make it through. I just want everything to be ok and I know it will be. It's nice that a lot of people support us and know we'll make it..as we know that too. I love you so much, no matter what..through good and bad and I don't want a day to go past without you knowing that. We are going to work out and no matter how hard it is sometimes, I'm in it for the long haul because you're worth every bit of it.

Well I guess that's it. It's a nice day but I don't know what's happening for it. Thank you all..I know you all are great people..I know I can tell you anything and trust you, and you all make me feel good about me..and I need to do the same for myself. I love you guys tons and I'd do anything for every one of you, in a heartbeat..especially you Nate. XOXO

PS: Later on hopefully, I will put up an entry from my Psych Journal. Have a great Weekend ya'll!!! =D

Here's two daily zens..one for yesterday..one for today..

Daily Zen

Friday: Has your power ever gone out? If so what did you do to keep busy?

A: My power went out yesterday and all I did was a crossword puzzle in the newspaper, listened to my walkman and ate sunflower seeds.

Today: Do you have a saying of advice - or otherwise - that you use daily or often? what is it?

My saying for now..is.."Live for yourself, and do for yourself..you can't always make everyone happy, and if you don't..life goes on..and if people hurt you..you get back out there with your heart intact and move forward."

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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