In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Spin by Lifehouse

What's up?! Yesterday was as you know, my last day of school. Here's what happened..

As my mom was driving me to school for the last time EVER..she said she was so proud of me, and then she told me stories about when she was younger and about her mom, and how my life has truly just begun. And instead of driving me to school, she'll be driving me to work.

Then I got to school and for the first time EVER throughout my 4 years in that school, I actually smiled. A true, genuine smile. I was so relieved it was over, yet smiled looking back on the memories, about all the people and friends I met along the way. It was all worth it. If I had the power to go back and change just ONE little thing, I would keep it just the way it was.

While I was in second hour, there was an announcement on the loud speaker saying there was ANOTHER senior assembly at 8:45 to talk about graduation rehearsal, where to get the tickets, final exams, graduation, etc. Then as I thought I was going to tear my hair out of my head from boredom, An-ha walked in the room trying to get my teacher to sign her yearbook and we talked for a bit. Then, it was time to go to the assembly. I walked out of that room..with my head held high.

I saw Carmen on the way there, so we walked together. Then I saw Julie, Nikki, and Liz walk in and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get Nikki and Liz to sign my yearbook, but I didn't get a chance..I'll get to that in a second..ohh..by the way, on the loud speaker they said we were going to go to our fourth hour after the assembly, so I am sure everyone was pretty bummed.

So, then Carmen asked me to sign her yearbook..and I did. A teacher told us about the diplomas, and all the graduation events and shtuff. It turns out I am going to have to come back to school next Wednesday between 9-11 to get my graduation tickets, and each person is allowed 6 tickets. And Tuesday is the graduation rehearsal at 11 AM at the nearby college. Graduation is the 30th, at 5:30 and we get a book when we go on stage, and don't get our diploma until we return our gown [which I FINALLY had enough good sense to hang up yesterday] Then they were talking about senior week, and about the rehearsal and when that was, and they were congratulating our class and even the assistant principal said we were his favorite class ever!!!

Everyone was REALLY excited, and talking to their friends, and screaming and even some kids were video taping everything. Then, after the assistant principal talked about the events coming up and everything we needed to know..to EVERYONE'S surprise, he said "Everyone get out of here..it's your last day..HAVE FUN!" But then he said that no one was allowed back in the school for ANY reason, and the security guards are not going to let anyone back in, and he made us all exit the back door.

So I saw Nikki on the way out, and she said "I can't believe it's over." And I said, "Me too..the reality hasn't set in." I can't believe they let us out soo early!! They let us out at 9:30!! I knew we were going to get out early but I didn't think it would be THAT early. I was kinda mad, because for one..I didn't have a ride home..and secondly I HAD to come back into the school to hand in something for a notebook check.

Me and Julie tried to get back into school but the guards wouldn't let us. Grr..so guess what this means?? On monday I have to come back to go to my fifth period class and hand in my notebook or get a 0 for it. Crap..I really don't want to be back there next week, even if it's for 5 minutes. Then, I saw my friend who offered me a ride home and everyone went BUCK WILD outside!!! People almost knocked me over, from running and screaming their heads off like loons.

I saw some seniors getting out of the parking lot..just SPEEDING out, and some girls heads coming out of windows, with their hair blowing saying "YEAH..IT'S OVER!" There was SO Much chaos!! Me and my friend were kind of mad, because we had to walk ALL around the school to get back out to the front and to her car. My friend kept SCREAMING in my ear every 5 seconds saying "WE DID IT..NO MORE SCHOOL..WE'RE DONE!!!"

I just remained calm until I got into her car and then we just went CRAZY!!! She asked me if I minded going to the bank with her to deposit her pay check, and asked if I was in a rush to go home..and if I wanted to hang with her all day. So I said "Hell yeah..I'll hang out..I'm not in a rush.." So, then after that we went back to her house to chill and watch TV.

I could not believe we were let out so early!! Then afterwords, we looked through our yearbooks and she asked me if I wanted to go to McDonalds with her, and her friend would meet us there. So I said sure..so then we got there..her friend ended up being late, oh and she treated me to lunch. :) We all talked for a REALLY long time, and saw people skipping from our school and sat around all these kids from Prep school. We just spent an hour, talking about pretty much everything..from our families, to our childhoods, all kind of stuff. I came out of the talk, feeling so much better. We also talked about college, and our plans, and hopes, and dreams. I told them that it doesn't FEEL like it's over, the reality hasn't set in, and it finally will when we have our graduation rehearsal..that it just feels like I have a week or so off.

Then my friend's friend had to leave, so me and my friend went to Best Buy to walk around and she blasted music in the car and we just sung like loons and screamed and went all nutty and had our own party..lol. My friend asked me if I wanted to go to her job with her, to see what she does. So I said ok, and we spent most of the day there, and she introduced me to everyone there, and they made me feel comfortable..and one guy even said I should work there!! He said he likes my "Relaxed, calm, easygoing personality." He said they need a temp, and I'd be the perfect person to work there.

Then he asked me when I can start..all I did was laugh. That place really isn't for me. It's not someplace I would want to work at..it's really boring, and all you do is do work on the internet, and answer phones all day..though the work on the internet is kind of challenging. It's just not my thing. So like I said, I nervously laughed and shtuff. Then my friend's mom came in, and said she loved my hair and then some people there said I should cut off like 10 inches because it's SO LONG, and give it to cancer patients. Ohh yeah..this place is a family business. Then I got asked the question that makes me CRINGE. "So, what are your plans after you graduate?" Mind your own damn business, is what I should have said..lol. I guess it's ok to not really know what you're doing, to be undecided. All I know is I besta start applying for a job SOON, and start driving again.

Then after a couple of hours, my friend drove me home and we just kept talking, we got to my house, and my mom invited her over one night for dinner, and she asked me if I wanted to see a movie tomorrow (saturday) so I said yeah, and to just e-mail me.

And that..was my crazy day!! But oh it didn't end there, oh yeah..because they kicked us out SO EARLY, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to anyone, or even the school. :( Oh well, maybe it's better that way. But I'll still see the school Monday, and next wednesday. I don't know WHY graduation is in 2 weeks, and not next week. That makes NO sense. My friend is still convincing me to go to Project Graduation BUT it's from 10 PM-5 AM. There's NO way I can stay up that late. The latest I could go to bed is 2 AM..sad, I know..lol.

So, me and mom decided in the morning that we wanted to go out and celebrate. I talked to Nate for a bit, ate dinner..then me and mom watched an hour of Sweet November, and decided to head off to the beach. We got there..man, it was beautiful last night. I am wondering if there still was a lunar eclipse, cos as I was lying there on the bench, with all those stars out and the dark sky, and as I looked straight ahead, I saw the full moon..with kind of an orangey glow around it, a shadow..but there were a lot of clouds,so we couldn't see it real well. It was very purdy, and the whole atmoshpere made it all so serene.

Then after an hour, my mom was tired so we came home. I read some of my magazine, and watched a bit of Sweet November. I was so out of it, that I fell asleep..and then this morning watched the rest of Sweet November. It was so fricking sad!! :( It was a romantic drama. I figured out that I like Romantic Comedies better.

Man..You don't know how much I wanted to just PARTY last night, and go clubbing with my friends..but I am only 17..dammit. When I do go there, it's not to dance up on some guys, it will be just to have fun dancing with FRIENDS, and enjoying the music with no alcohol involved. Sure, I've done something illegal..but one illegal thing is bad enough. Like I said, my friends are trying to make me into a "girl gone wild." lol. They said everything's going to change in College, which is true. I just think I will always be ME though, no matter where I go..and no matter what I do. And for the first time ever, I don't want to run from that..I think it's fine.

I think I am getting to the point of really liking myself, and knowing my strengths, and accepting my weaknesses. Because I made it THIS far in high school, and I proved to myself, to my peers, to my family that I can overcome obstacles, that I can really do it beyond a shadow of a doubt which is making me realize that I am every bit capable of achieving my goals, and reaching my ultimate dreams, someday. I have so much ability, I just need to tap into it and use it fully.

I know on graduation night, I am going to do something more special, than Just sitting out on the beach with my mom. Whatever I do, I am going to have a good time doing it. I am lucky I turned out the way I am, given my circumnstances. It's amazing that I am not like my dad, that I am so grounded, so level headed, so adjusted and not some psycho path. It's amazing how nice I am, when it's so easy for me to bitter. I just love what I see in me, and it's making me feel almighty. I feel like I can do anything, I can take on the world..and I love this feeling.

Just knowing that high school is over, and looking back on all those times, just leaves me feeling of course, nostalgic..kind of wanting those times back, yet looking toward the future..knowing I have so much hope, knowing how bright it's going to be. Knowing I have so many years ahead, things I might screw up, things I might really excell at, but only screwing up can show you that. It's ok to make a mistake, it's ok not to be perfect. It's ok..to be human. It doesn't matter when you reach your goal, as long as you reach it. It doesn't matter what path you take, it just matters that you get to your destination. Never let anyone stand in the way of your dreams, or tell you you shouldn't do something, or go someplace you know you want to go to.

Many of the lessons I've learned in life, I learned in school. Many experiences have helped me and shaped me into the person I am now, the people I've met along the way have defined me, and shown me what it means to live, to love, to be happy. I know what I want to do with my life, I kind of know why I am here. I am filled with a ton of clarity. :) Sure, My life is filled with fucking misery, and hard ships, and trials and tribulations..but i'm happy with where I am at, who I am as a person, giving back to this world.

The things that stick out in my mind, the memories I remember MOST when looking back on it all, are the times when I dared to be different, when I was an individual, when I broke out of who I am, and looked beyond it all, and looked from the outside. The memories that stick out, are when I gave a friend relationship advice, or just simply made someone smile.

I'll never trade any of that for anything in this world. It took so much shit, to get me to like myself..but no matter what happens to me, no matter what happens with my parents, I know who I am. I've been searching for it, when all this time who I really am has been right in front of my face, I've just been too blind to see it. Who I am is..Stacey..and that's all I need to be.

When times get hard, I can just take that with me. I've been through plenty of struggles, that I am STILL going through, but all of this combined was meant to happen..has for a reason. If I just want to run away, there are places I can go. I'm not stuck here, with these people who make me go insane, and with a father who lowers my self worth..I don't have to be here. Anytime I want, I can leave. And just knowing that, is what I need right now. I control my fate, I control my life, I control my destiny, and life is how big or small I want it to be. I now know that.

So, my friends..growing up isn't the hardest part..the hardest part is perhaps, letting go, but it's the best part. Admitting things to yourself, not being afraid to live, not being afraid to admit you need help, or look to a friend when you need one, that shows bravery and courage.

I am filled with so much pride, so much happiness that I did it..that i made it through 4 years, working my ass off, but always learning, always striving to be better. Sure, I may not talk to half my friends ever again. But knowing I met them, that they were part of my life for a while..that's enough. We will go our seperate ways after graduating, but in my heart..they will always be near me.

Well that's all for today. Time to get dressed, and make my appearance out in this world. I love you all. Have a great weekend!! Hopefully I can get to go to the movies tonight. Buh bye!! =)

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."--Earl Nightingale

PS: Yes! next week is the new Road Rules!!!

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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