In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Head Strong by Trapt

Hey everyone. I hope you had a good weekend. Mine was jam packed with highs and lows..unfortunately this time around, it came with more lows. But, that's life.

Basically, after I updated my entry me and mom went to another mall to get another tank, and then we were going to go somewhere else but my mom didn't feel well, so we went home..and *sighs* I went online..bad move. My whole day took a downward spiral from there.

The highlights of my day were watching the episode of The Challenge I missed, finding out there's a Reunion of The Challenge tonight, and watching Stand By Me..one of my favorite movies EVER now. I LOVE the end when Chris Chambers (River Phoenix) and Gordy LeChance (Wil Wheaton) say bye..and Gordy says "I'll see ya" and Chris says "Not if I see you first." Aww!! Why did Chris have to die in the end?? :( I thought Corey Feldman was great and man..Jerry O'Connell looks SO different now!! I also liked the part with the leeches and when they said friends come and go out of your life..boy is that ever the truth. I was singing along when they played "Stand by me" at the end.

Before I go into full whiny mode of why I feel so down..I have the busiest week EVER..here's a run down..

Today=Half-day, Vocab Quiz, buy yearbook, Challenge, Challenge Reunion

Tomorrow=Marine Science test, American Idol, get yearbook signed, buy Senior week tixs??

Wednesday=Government group test, hand in Government book, Assembly, Part II 1984 test in English, keep getting yearbook signed, LAST episode of Dawsons Creek. :(

Thursday=Math test, hand in Math book, Buy tixs for Project Graduation??, Caps and gowns, Math NB test after school, keep getting yearbook signed, Dawns and Karens b-day, "Friends"

Friday=LAST day of school!!! Getting out early???

Crazy week, huh?! And I also have to watch the other movie I rented, and maybe see Identity, and I am sure other shtuff will be added to the list as the week goes on..

Now..onto the ranting..I am an absolute HORRIBLE judge of character. I always thought I knew who people were, what they were all about, why they did what they did. This time around I am completely and utterly fucking wrong as hell. I let people influence my way of thinking which is what I SWORE up and down to myself I'd NEVER do.

I really know this person..so why did I let what someone say really effect me and bother me, and get to me, and possibly ruin the best thing in my life?! I should realize that not ALL guys are the same..and I made the all time worst mistake, thinking even for ONE second, that the one i'm with is just like the others. I couldn't help the way I felt though, and I don't feel sorry for feeling that way..I just feel sorry for thinking that way of him.

I guess I care about what people think way more than I thought. I guess I am always going to be fearful. I guess I am always going to be this fuck up who can't get anything right, and whatever I do will never be enough. I know I shouldn't feel this way about myself. But so many things are going on..this week is going to be the week where everything is going to change, whether I want it to or not. It's my last week of school, my last week to truly be a kid, so many things are ending..yet these feelings in me are just beginning.

The thought that really depresses me, is that after we were born, we are slowly dying..everyday we get one day closer to it being the end for the rest of our lives and I've gotten NOWHERE..absolutely fucking nowhere. I am stuck at these crossroads, at this dead end, and the thing I most have to fear, is myself..and life.

SO long I've DREAMED of the last day of school, and now this is the last week..and I'm graduating in two weeks, is it REALLY all that?! Before I was just covered in my protective shell. I have teachers around asking me if I did homework, giving me notes, telling me when a test will be..that's coming to a close. In College, whenever the fuck I do go, I'm not going to have that anymore. No one will be watching my every move anymore. It's liberating, yet really freaking scary at the same time. I'm not sure I am ready to move onto that phase of my life. I just want to be a kid forever.

I really don't know everything. I have NO clue as to what I am doing, what I am saying doesn't even feel like my own words..it feels like they belong to someone else. I feel like I've lost this huge chunk of myself, that I'm a stranger to me. I've allowed myself to be taken in by love, to feel love and I never knew it could hurt THIS much, yet stir up and awaken so much emotion in me.

The secret..I DON'T have it all together. Though I make it really look like I do. I don't know how to act..I don't even know how to have a relationship. I've failed. I just don't know anything. I don't get when I moved WHY I ALLOWED myself to lose touch with so many great people, like in Stand by me where it said that it happens where one year you'll have a good friend, and the next year they'll just become faces in the hallway..how did I let some of my friends be that way?? And the movie was right..you will never have friends like that again, so hold onto them.

What am I doing?! Life is just becoming so hard to handle, and at times I wonder why I'm here..what is my meaning..did god want me here so I can just torture and hurt people I love??

I have realized I DON'T have the answers. I am not as smart as I think. I don't have it all figured out, and maybe I never will..and maybe that's alright. Maybe I am just naive..but fool everybody.

Just thinking back, I've had tons of bad luck in love..so many failed romances. And I really think though the other person was to blame, I was just as much so. I've always wanted to be in love. But, i've pushed my feelings for someone aside, and listened to a STUPID voice in the crowd of someone that doesn't even know me dictate how I feel! That is naivety in it's trueness of sense..turning my back on my feelings. Maybe because I've been betrayed.

I've made so many mistakes and am nowhere NEAR perfect. I just want to get closer to perfect. I can't stand this pain anymore. I feel like i'm suffocating. I don't even know how to have a relationship. I've done many things wrong in the past. I just feel like a loser. Sure, I am entitled to feel the way I want..and feelings and thoughts can never be wrong, because they are MINE and I can have them, and that's fine..but when there's a heart involved, you have to be careful..you can't let what someone else says guide your feelings.

You have to realize that not only you are there, but there's another person involved..someone to hurt. And if you don't want to hurt them, you have to walk on tippie toes. You have to know that what you say has a HUGE impact on someone else..your words can be weapons and you have to choose them carefully. Unlike what I did. I know it's human nature to let someone influence how you think and how your actions follow through, but I HAVE to follow my own judgement..go with my OWN feelings, and not let some stupid generality about guys, influence what I already KNOW about one guy.

I've screwed SO many things up. I don't want to screw up my relationship too. I don't want to lose this. Hell, I feel like I'm losing myself..I can't let the ONE person that means the world to me just slip out of my life like the others.

I have to figure this all out. I have to figure out how to deal with all these changes in my life. I have to be strong. I have to stop thinking so much. I have to figure out how to make life not routine and boring, so I won't get in a rut. I have to really figure out why I'm here. I have to try to take away all the hurt I feel inside, and have made someone else feel. I have to..just get everything back, most of all my self worth. I have to find a way to make everything ok again, no matter what.

"You are more beautiful than the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, because you are able to see it and appreciate it."--Ralph S. Marston, Jr.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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