In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: The Flame by Cheap Trick

Hey ya'll. : ) Be in for a looong update. I have lots to say..and I don't know how it's going to turn out..but here goes..

I've come to the conclusion since Tuesday that yeah, usually I am a very nice person..now i'm not saying this to make myself look good, and to appear cocky, but I AM nice..that is..until my "friend" makes it's once a month appearance. Then ALL just goes down the toilet. I become moody, crabby, bitchy, emotional..all the shtuff that I normally detest. The ONLY good thing I see about getting my "friend" is that my boobs get bigger. Come on girls..you KNOW What i'm talking 'bout..literally yesterday, I just seemed "fuller." I have a LOT more cleavage than I've ever had.

I thought that whole thing about your boobs changing was a myth, but I guess not. Sorry if i'm making anyone feel uncomfortable..I am just SO happy with my boobs right now, hell it's one of the few things I'm happy about. I bought a dress to wear under my gown yesterday and my boobs are just falling out of em..so nice..lol.

But anyway, I feel like I have no control over my feelings, my moods, over my body. I don't know what I am doing, and I am afraid of talking to people because right now I am just SO insecure, so vulnerable..so..blah. I just feel tired all the time, so void of energy. I don't feel on top of the world, I feel like I'm getting swallowed by it. When is this shit going to end?!

So anyway, tuesday night was just SO bad. After I updated, I just "chilled". I had Nate call me up..and that was just ugghh..I don't even want to talk about it..it just didn't end up the way either one of us wanted it to. I don't like it when I say the word "Whatever." It implies that I don't care about anything..and I put on this act..this act that makes me appear to be all tough and shit, and not connected to anyone or anything but I AM so connected, and I care SO MUCH, more than I thought I would in the beginning. I never wanted to wear my heart on my sleeve..but I have and it's bleeding all over the place at the moment. And Now what I am going to do?! I didn't want to care so much, but your heart can't help doing what it does..it can't help falling for someone..and falling SO HARD that all you can do is think about the person, and want to make them happy, and really want to just avoid all conflict altogether. Conflict is always going to be around, I just wish it wouldn't make it's way over to us. You're my BEST friend Nate, as well as my lover and this is KILLING me more than you even KNOW.

Well, anywaayy..so yesterday I got up early because my friend was coming over so we could get the tixs. While waiting, I saw Clay Aiken on Regis and Kelly!!! Jeff Gordon was the guest host, and he said to Clay.."Though you didn't win Clay..you actually DID.." And like I said to Sommer captivated-..at the end of the day..he really IS the winner. He also said he peeked at the card before Ryan announced the American Idol, so that's why he kept staring at Ruben and he just saw little signs that Ruben won. He was about to sing, but then my friend came to my house [GRR]..rather LATE. We were supposed to go at 9, but my friend ended up coming to my house around 9:30, 9:45.

So, we got to the school..walked in the cafeteria and got our tickets for graduation. Along with the tickets we got a medallion..a gold medallion with our class colors on it, that we wear around our neck for graduation and actually get to KEEP [Ohh..the SHOCK..lol]. Then we walked around. I saw Jen..it's odd that I saw her cos I had a dream about her the other night. [No..not a dream like THAT..i'm straight.] lol. We were just hangin out in it. I miss hangin with her. We definitely gotta hang over the summer. I also saw Liz in the parking lot, and my friend Stephanie, Debbie, Nayara, Aleisha, Jessi, and some other people I knew.

They all seemed SO happy to see me. It's SO nice to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel MISSED. We all need to feel that. So often, we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone, till we no longer have it and then we see the beauty of it..and I feel more appreciated and accepted NOW, than I did when I was in school. Literally, as I was walking through the halls, I felt a sense of peace, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of pride for that school..for the first time since i've ever been there. I saw my english teacher who said hey to me, some of the guidance counselors I kind of got to know who said they missed me, and some people walking through to get their tickets.

I grabbed a piece of paper for the Senior video and I MIGHT just order it. It's $20 and I get it in the end of June, and it's filming the Graduation, the picnic, the time they had at the recreation place, and the Senior breakfast today that obviously I'm not going to. It's going to be a kick ass video.

Then my friend took me home, and we decided that my friend would come back later so me, my mom, and my friend can go to the mall together and me and my friend can get our dresses. Me and mom went out to get lunch, then we came back and my friend came, and we headed to the mall. It looked like shit outside, as usual but we went anyway.

We walked through the CD store at first, and then we went to JcPenny..BINGO. I found a PRETTY black dress, with grey designs on it for only TEN bucks!! It was on sale, and marked down to $10 from $50..What a good deal!!!My friend got a nice dress too. Then, we got our pantyhose and shit..and walked around the mall some more, and bought popcorn and shtuff.

My mom asked my friend if she knew where to get a CD burner, so my friend mentioned Brandsmart and said that she could get a good price for one, and a nice one there. So we headed off..of course in the wrong direction at first, and then got there.

My mom got a CD burner for $78 and a some CD cases, and blank cd's..and my friend got some CD cases too. Mom was in an awfully good mood, so she told me I can buy any CD I wanted..but only ONE. Jackpot! At first I was going to get 'The Used' CD but then I saw The Ataris one..hell yeah..the one I wanted. Score. So now I've got The Ataris CD!! I'll be playin' the hell out of that.

After that, we headed home and had fun in the car just singing along to some songs..ok, let me rephrase that..I had fun in the car singing along to songs! lol. We went to the supermarket so my mom can get some shtuff for dinner, then came back home and my friend helped my mom install the CD burner. Of course, there's a problem with it and my friend has to come back later to fix it, and my mom promised her a BBQ. We were going to have it tomorrow, but since she's going to Project Graduation tomorrow, we decided to have it tonight.

Of course, my dad was in a shitty ass mood..and then kept asking when my friend would leave, and kept trying to talk to me. But I gave him an attitude about it. Then, RIGHT when my friend was sitting there, he started yelling at my mom for a bit. It was quite embarassing. So I said to just ignore em. All he does is bitch, bitch, bitch. I'm so annoyed with him. He's the biggest prick on the face of this earth.

I couldn't take it anymore, and had to eat..cos this damn "friend" is weakening me, and had some food. My friend finally left at around 7, and fucked up our CD capability and shit. Oh well..she better fix it. Then, I watched a bit of Dawsons, but got bored with it, so I came on here to write everyone.

After that, they were showing The Real World Paris special, introducing the characters. The names are: Mallory, Christina, Adam, Chris, Leah, Simon, and Ace. They all seem pretty interesting.

Then, after that I went to sleep cos I was just EXHAUSTED and my mom has informed me that she won't be here for the first part of the day...woo hoo!! She's going out to breakfast with my aunt and cousin and then my cousin is doing her nails and shtuff.

So, all that's happening today is that my friend is coming over to fix the computer, and we're having a BBQ. I need to figure out how to put the collar on my gown. Aww..my mom just said the dress fit me really nicely. : ) I think it did too, it flatters my body well.

TOMORROW is graduation!!! I'm SO nervous!!! So nervous, yet excited, emotional, yet "blah". Thank you "friend." lol. My friend's comin' around to pick me up at 2 Pm. Tomorrow is going to be HECTIC. I'm not going to be here at all, so I shall be back Saturday to inform ya'll all about it. I wish I could bring my yearbook with me, cos so many people have to sign it..grr.

So now I've got everything..the tickets which are SO nice, the medallion, all the shtuff for under the gown, the shoes, of course the cap and the tassel and like I said all I gotta do is figure out how to get the collar on. Then, as soon as I feel better..job hunting..blah.

Right now, I am going to have my Mcdonalds pancakes, and coffee and then go lie down cos I feel like complete SHIT. My legs hurt, I have cramps, and yes..blah. Ahh..I have the new GC song in my head "Girls and boys." As well as the new Ashanti one "Rock wit U (Awww Baby)..two EXCELLENT songs!!!

I'm off..again tomorrow is graduation, so no update till Saturday. Buh bye everyone. Ohh! And Carly carlita27016 thank you for your kind words. It's what I really needed. You've boosted my self esteem. : )

Nate chaoscritter..we'll talk later, I promise. I'm sorry about all this, it truly sucks ass.

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."--Robert Brault

"Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster."--Weston H. Agor

"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense."

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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