In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Higher love by Steve WinWood

Yeah, Hi.

As you can tell from this greeting, times are tough. REALLY tough, and it's times like this that I just completely miss what the purpose of being on this earth is. All I do is experience PAIN. Pain, LONELINESS, self loathing. It's like a cycle.

I will get back to that, and tell you what has drove me to that point. Firstly, on Tuesday I got the worst SUNBURN EVER. My nose, arms, cleavage, legs, and feet. Me and my mom have been getting along, thank the LORD..and went to the park on Tuesday where the sun was blazing, and we didn't think of wearing sunblock. Like I said, I needed to get out of here and Aunt Flo was leaving and is completely gone now..thank god. WOO HOO! 69 more days Till I'm 18..lol. That's the magic number. ;)

Then, I just cleaned my room..and chilled out watching TV and listening to music. Then I called Nate, and that convo went extremely badly. Well, it ended up badly due to me being a DUMBASS. Yeah, I guess I am one.

I HAVE to vent, and this is my diary so I am going to do it. If It bothers anyone, then oh well. I don't know. If I don't do this, I'm going to go nuts..moving on..

Yesterday was just hell. That's a good way of summing it up. I am supposed to go to the pool today, but I'll see due to my mom having to get an oil change for her car this morning. The a/c people were going to come later, but they aren't because my mom figured out the problem.

Tomorrow is the 4th as you all know. The plan is we (me and mom) are going to my aunt's house and having a BBQ. Then we are going down to the beach to watch the fireworks display. (: It should be nice. We are bringing things for it. The ONLY snag is that my uncle (aunt's husband through marriage) is coming along [came in from Alabama] and he is the epitome of what I hate in a person. No, I don't hate EVERYONE though it seems that way. He just annoys the hell out of me. I wanted to rent a movie last night, but my mom was out cold, so that got sidelined.

Oh, after getting online and trying to look for guestbook layouts, and having a fight with Nate over AIM, I realized I needed to again, breathe some fresh air so we went to have some good Carvel Ice Cream. Mmm. Then just drove around for a bit, till around 5. I got online, nothing got resolved, and I left because I had to eat dinner and my mom had to make a call.

ARGH!! my legs are burning and peeling. God I hate my fair, sensitive skin. I wish I was darker..soo bad. I wish I had an olive complexion. I was BURNING in the shower on Tuesday afternoon.

Oh..so remember how I had that dream about Chris on Monday night? Well, tuesday his grandma called. It seems that her daughter is getting married tomorrow, and she wanted my mom to know. Ugh..man, Chris is on my shit list right now. He hasn't e-mailed me ONCE since March and I was the last person to send him one. I understand that he's busy, and he just got accepted into Rutgers but the LEAST he can do is put aside SOME time to write his old best friend from Brooklyn. GRR. How MANY people in your life can you call a true friend? Not many, unfortunately. They are few, and far between and if you have found that person..treasure them, and cherish them. They are rare, and precious.

I am just frustrated with people. Frustrated with LIFE. Who CAN you count on now-a-days?! All I did last night after leaving, and eating was just fricking cry. This, taking me back to first grade when all I did was cry every damn day, for one reason or another. I watched Now and Then, because the lessons they give about life, death, love, childhood, etc always put things into perspective. It RAINED all day yesterday..forgot to mention that. The power even went out twice. It seemed to match my mood.

As Teeny says in Now and Then.."It's normal for things to be shitty." True, but it seems like things ALWAYS are for me. Ugh.

Sometimes I can't help it but sit in the dark and wonder why I have the life I have, Why self doubt seems to plague me wherever I go, why I give in and believe the horrible things that have been said over and over again to me, why...just WHY. I am just scared that in the end, I am going to be alone. Just the way I started out. I guess I am anti social because I am afraid of really getting close to anyone. I am afraid they will either betray me, or leave me out, or find out I am not who I seem to be and just want to cast me aside, like nearly everyone has.

I feel like I have yet to prove to people who I am. I wish people would just give me a chance, and want to get to know me. Everyone probably thinks I'm a snob, but i'm not. Sure, it's nice to be alone with your thoughts but when you have to face a lot on your own, after all of it, you just want people around.

Oops..sorry..I Just steered away from what I really want to talk about. Anyway, I just don't even feel like anyone understands what I am going through. I feel aggravated, powerless, TIRED. Not tired like sleepy, tired like I am sick of life. No, I am not going to put a gun to my head anytime soon..I'm just sick of the suffering, sick of the dialogue in my head, sick of analyzing to the point of no return.

HAPPINESS..that's ALL I want. Is that too much to fucking ask for in my life?!

I seriously need to get away. Away from here, away from everything. Sure, running away is not going to solve anything but things would seem much better if I didn't actually have to DEAL with them and really look at reality. I am an idealist..I have ideas in my head of what I want life to be like, yet fear takes over and I can't shape my life that way. I am a dreamer..I have goals, but I never act them out. My head is always in the clouds, daydreaming..thinking about the way I wish my life was..trying to forget and not think about the way it is. My feet are not planted on the ground, they are stuck in never never land where everyday is a good day, and things always go my way, to where life is simple when if I really looked at the way things are..they are FAR from that. One of my dreams is to publish a novel..so the world can see my writings. I feel like I am on the road to just becoming a great writer, and it provides me with sanity, and it helps me feel like I belong. And i've never felt that, I've always felt like an outcast, like an outsider looking in but just maybe..maybe writing provides me with hope, a purpose, with faith. It's always around when I am down, it's one of the most important things I have going on in my life. It's my gift, and I truly hope to change the world with it.

My head hurts now after all of that. *sighs* I might just go to the pool today. Water always relaxes me. It soothes me. I don't know WHY but I can give advice till the cows come home but I can never take my own advice and apply it to my own life. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I see my character flaws and today I am going to make a list, a list of things I can change and put those up soon. I know I am not perfect, and humans in general and life in general won't ever be, but all I am looking for is just to be the best person I can, to have a life that has more ups than downs.

I am not looking for a pity party here. I am just talking about how I feel..trying to incorporate more emotion into my diary.

God, I can't wait to go out to the beach tomorrow!! It's going to be great..I just have to remember to bring LOADS and LOADS of sunblock and put it on BEFORE I go. The 4th is one of my fave holidays of the year. Just watching those bursts of color light up the sky, sitting on the sand watching couples hold each other..which kind of makes me jealous, yet makes me smile. I just wish I can have a nice, warm embrace right now..to have arms wrapped around me, eyes looking up at me and telling me all that I need to know, just making me melt. I am just one of those that does anything for the one they love. I'd be even willing to die for them, if I had to. Watching the fireworks come out from the boats, and hearing them go off and realizing how proud I am to be an american.

I guess I've rambled enough. I just want the sun to peek out from all these storm clouds in my mind, for some light to shine on through and I hope I make my way there soon, to bathe in it, whether I have to stumble there or not. As the quote below states, I shall overcome, I shall be bigger than this, better than this. Things HOPEFULLY will get better soon. I just have to be optimistic, as tough as that may be. And as another quote states: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I am a fighter baby, I shall make it out of these hard times and struggles STRONGER than before. lol. How corny. What doesn't kill you, DOES make you stronger. I'm going to be all right.

Till the next episode [entry], peace and have a wonderful Thursday. *waves* PS: I added song lyrics in onehotpoet.

"Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable."--Theodore N. Vail

"Higher love"-Steve Winwood

Think about it, there must be higher love

Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above

Without it, life is a wasted time

Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine

Things look so bad everywhere

In this whole world, what is fair?

We walk blind and we try to see

Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on

Facing our fear and standing out there alone

A yearning, and it's real to me

There must be someone who's feeling for me

Things look so bad everywhere

In this whole world, what is fair?

We walk blind and we try to see

Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Bring be a higher love

I could rise above on a higher love

I will wait for it

I'm not too late for it

Until then, I'll sing my song

To cheer the night along

Bring it...Oh bring it...

I could light the night up with my soul on fire

I could make the sun shine from pure desire

Let me feel that love come over me

Let me feel how strong it could be

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love

Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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