In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Hurt so good by John Mellencamp

Happy Friday!!! It's FINALLY here. Thank the lord. This week has just been creeping by and Friday couldn't come any sooner.

Yesterday I felt like some sort of relationship therapist..lol. Usually math class is a SNORE!!! And I mean that, literally..lol. But, I talked to my home girl in there, named Denise..and we talked about her boyfriend and her's relationship. You don't know how GOOD, how pleasantly nice it felt to shed some light on the situation..to help her out, and give her new ways to see the situation. And I even made her laugh a bit, which she needed.

I just went on and on and on about it and what is wrong, and what she should do. And honestly, in those moments..I can see myself doing something like that in life. A lot of people ask me.."What do you want to do when you grow up?" And my answer is constantly the same. "I don't know." I think i've figured it out. That..helping people with words..is what I am meant to do. Changing some lives, that's what I am here for. Whether it be putting pen to paper and actually writing, or talking..that's my calling.

Sure, I am a person of few words..but when I do talk, my words speak volumes. They get into the soul..they strike a chord. Words just pour out easily through me. I just love that part of me. It's truly awesome. I told her that I want to see her b/f and kick his ass..heh. Nah, I just want to see first hand for myself, what she is saying and all of that. She told me to come downstairs during lunch with a pass, so I can see him and we can hang for a few mins. I HATE getting close to people NOW, knowing that I am leaving soon.

We never really talked until last month..and now when I leave, it's all going to be a torture. I should have tried to be friends with her back in August. I am picky like that though..I tend to be a bit critical and judgemental, and I don't see how nice someone can be, until I make an effort to get to know them. And even at first, I don't let my guard down. I don't let someone to really see within me, until I am sure that it's ok to be vulnerable, to let people see me at my core. It takes me time to trust..because I am never sure of people's intentions, but I do..in time.

My mom made me cry yesterday, but not really in a bad day. I made a comment to her and said "Well, just two weeks and I'm outta here!" So she said.."Wow..Stace..I can't believe my baby is graduating soon!" "I remember your first day of kindergarden when you cried and cried and wouldn't let go of my hand..and now you're graduating."

She just had this far off look in her eyes..like she was reminiscing..comparing how I was when I was in kindergarden, to how I am now. It's not too far off..I am still the same Stacey I've always been. Way too kind, scared to make it on my own, Caring, and Emotional.

I couldn't help it..I busted out and cried. But it was a silent cry, and I ended up wiping the tears on the back of my hand. Sometimes, I see crying as a sign of weakness..but I know it really isn't. I was always so emotional..it stopped..and now it's started again. Obviously it has, because this is a very big step in my life..a huge thing..a life altering time.

My mom just doesn't want to let her "little girl go." And at times, I am not sure I really want to go either. At other times, I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. Well, I have to if I want to start a life with Nate, and make something out of myself and life. I need to make myself proud, and more than anything..I want her to be proud of me. I want to prove that I can do it..that I can go out there in the world, and stare the world in my face and ask it if it's ready for my arrival. I don't want to be a scared little girl, I want to be a woman.

I know that will come in time..I have many years ahead, many more experiences..more trials and tribulations that will turn me into that woman..that will make me emerge..that will be admired and all of that. I just look for admiration. Like many, I hate rejection. It tears me up inside, and makes me crumble. I guess I am searching for some sort of acceptance, like anyone which is nuts, because I should be finding that acceptance with myself. I feel like I am holding back, in some sort of way. It's about time I shed those layers and let myself be someone that many would WANT to get to know, instead of coming off as distant, or mysterious.

Time..that's all life is about. Ohh yes, I was told I was a very "cool girl" yesterday..which in turn actually MADE me feel cool. Like I said, words are a very powerful thing. Whoever said "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" was on crack! lol I remember in the play ground when I was like 3 and someone would call me "a poopy head" lol or something, I would cry. I know that means nothing now, but at the time it hurt for a sensitive person such as myself. Many people don't see that in me..because I don't let them..but that's me..that's who I am.

I just realized that actually WRITING this entry..that hopefully SOME people will read (hint, hint) lol is actually making me shed all of that stuff..my protective outter shell so I won't get hurt, so I can be kept at a distance. Everyday with this diary, more and more I let everyone into my life. I share myself with all of you. I don't look for anything back. Just the extreme gratification that maybe I changed someone's life with my words, that I brightened someone's day. That I made even ONE person say "Wow..I know how she feels..I've been there!" I just want people to feel they can relate to me.

If I've done that, I've served a part of my purpose. Just making it easier for people, that's all I want. Lightening the load, lifting the burden..it's just amazing.

Enough of that..hehe..I went off on a tangent. Ok, so my friends will be at Disney tonight. What will yours truly be doing? I will prolly be at the movies with my mom for the THIRD time, trying to see Anger Management. I think at this crucial time in my life, I need some mother/daughter bonding moments.

I think tomorrow I am getting my hair cut..nah, actually, I'll wait till next week to do that. I saw Friends last night. Poor Monica and Chandler..it doesn't look good for them that Monica will ever get pregnant and they have been trying for a baby for so long. Gosh, I can only imagine how hard that must be for every husband and wife out there..to hear the news that they might never have a baby. I NEVER want to go through that..seeing as how much I love kids, it would just kill me inside.

That must be SO hard. My mom went through that with my dad. They tried for SIX years, and were told that there's a good chance my mom might never have a baby. But..she had two miscarriages..went to MANY fertility clinics, and FINALLY I came into this world. My mom keeps relatively quiet, but I know it was the hardest thing to go through, to hear.

On a completely other subject..lol..I can't STAND people that try to be all hard. These guys who think they are all tough and shit..it just irks me. Whew..I have a really busy weekend in store for me!!! Gosh damnit..it's supposed to be hot.

I updated in endless-luv. Read it if you are in the mood for reading about romance, and how an average girl with big dreams, living in South Florida, feels about her nearly perfect boyfriend living in Arizona. : )

Have a great Friday and weekend all my friends, and of course..my bunny. (K)

"Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired."-Robert Frost

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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