In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

It finally happened. This morning I just EXPLODED. She told me something about what he had said yesterday that really irritated me. When he came home, I made sure to be in here and we all got into this HUGE fight.

I was just so sick of keeping everything inside, not making waves..and I was very fired up and let everything I have been feeling out. What a great release. I was pushed to my limits..I was MAD. REALLY mad. I said some things he didn't like at all, but I don't care. It needed to be said. I was at the point where I was just bound to snap..and he decided to push my buttons so I couldn't help but go off on him.

Being here is getting harder and harder..worse and worse. I hate it more and more as each day passes. My sanity is pretty much nearly gone. After everything was said, I was shaking like hell..and just crying my eyes out. It's too much to deal with. I KNOW that if I screw up at this agency, it's just going to create even more tension. There is SO much pressure on me right now. WHEN is this going to end??

He threatened to leave..again. Yeah, what else is new. I told him that he doesn't act like a father a lot of the time. Which is what REALLY got to him. He said he can make my life like hell. I said he already has. He said he was hurt that I never say hello. He got on her about her job, about me on finding one..about pretty much everything. Then he said "payback is a bitch." Whatever. I really don't want to get into it any more than that. It was just one big screaming match. Now it's peaceful..he went to bed. THEN right after the fight, he apologized and was all nice. Fucking bi polar, I'm telling you. I hope he does move out. His presence sickens me. I've never hated someone with the intensity of my hatred toward him. I DEFINITELY need to get out of here. There's only so much one person can take..And I am MORE than at my limit.

All of that was just a very long time coming. I am happy that I said what I did..now he knows how I feel, it's all out in the open now. He lives in this world where he thinks everything should be easy to accomplish. He acts like he's the ONLY one that ever gets frustrated or aggravated. I woke up this morning excited about the agency..in a good mood. And now..my mood has just gone down the drain. Now I am just pissed, disgusted, nervous, anxious, feeling a lot of pressure. It's HARD when you're living with someone to not let things like this bother or get to you. I'm tired...tired of everything. Sometimes I just feel like I want to throw in the towel and give up. Some mornings I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed. I feel so...alone.

I was surprised that my mom stepped in and defended me a bit. I thought it was a nice gesture. I've calmed down a bit but I am still angry. I am just going to do my best today, be confident, and try to put this crap out of my mind at the agency. Anyhoo, diaryland was giving me problems last night. I am glad that for right now, they seem to be fixed. Besides the constant drama around here, nothing else is going on. I can't even think straight right now actually.

Well, I better go and finish getting ready for today. I'll keep you posted on what happens. I hope everyone has a great week. <3

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

<< �� >>