In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Dear Mama by 2 Pac

*Sigh* Hey ya'll..how are ya?

Well here's yesterday..the good and the BAD...

Firstly, I had some breakfast. Then I took a shower and we decided that we were going to go out for a bit.

So we left and I told her that I wanted to go to Blockbuster to look for Crazy/Beautiful because I've wanted to see that movie for SO long! I've looked for it EVERYWHERE..so I thought to give it one last try.

We get there and I go through the drama aisle..and JACKPOT..there it is!! I had the hugest smile on my face ever. :o) Then I looked around for some more movies, but just got that one. I have a whole week to watch it which is hella cool.

Afterwards, we went to Wendys..I got a salad but I couldn't eat it till she got to a restaurant for her own salad. It started raining on the way there..then we got to her place..I ate and finished it by the time they were done making her salad.

Of course, since it was very quiet in the car..my mom decides to blast me about getting a job. We were just talking..but there was no music and she said something like this..."Stacey..you're SO very smart, but you're selling yourself short. You'd be an asset to any job..they'd be lucky to have you but you're afraid to tap into your potential."

I got really quiet because I kind of knew that she was right. I know I talk about this A LOT but I kind of feel like life is just passing me by. I think I could have even done a little better in school had I not been so lazy. I understood all the concepts..I just didn't want to apply them. I could have been so much more. I could be so much more right now. But of course, I choose the road where I sit around and decide to be lazy and not do ANYTHING when I know I can be whoever I want to be. I could go places in life..if I wasn't so scared and unmotivated.

I don't think I tapped into my full potential..ever as a person. I've never had any kind of confidence. I thought if I try something out, it will flop..I will flop..why try harder when I Just CAN'T do it..though if I was honest with myself, I would realize that I can do anything and am capable of anything. I just didn't try as hard as I could have. And though I HATE regrets..if I had to have one, that would be it. A lot of us truly fully never understand how great we can be as humans if we just put all our talents to good use..if we knew our capabilities and weren't afraid to take a leap, or to be something more..instead of just settling when we are capable of greatness. Which is unfortunately, what I have done. I've told MYSELF that I can't do certain things. Already I've put boundaries on what I can do, on my intelligence.

A part of me has always held back..I've always said to myself.."Stacey..how can YOU do that..you'll never pull it off." So i've convinced myself of that, it's stuck in my brain. I don't set goals for myself..because I don't think I'll ever reach them. I'm scared to actually fail, to know I can't do something..and if this makes any sense..I'm even more scared knowing that I CAN do something..that I'm smarter than I made myself out to be because I think I know myself so well right now, when there is a LOT more to learn. I make up every excuse in the book, but I should learn responsibility and independence. It would do me a lot of good and prepare me for the real world. I just have to conquer this fear I have..this fear that is consuming me.

But anyway..I've veered off track..so we ate, then she asked if I wanted to go to Walmart so I said "sure..why not?" Since it was too early to go home. I look through the CD's and see The Exies CD on sale for $7.88 [they are the band that sings "My goddess"] so I BEGGED her to buy it for me, which was embarassing in itself. She agrees. :o) So, hopefully I'll listen to that today.

After that..we go home and she asks if I want to play a board game so I agreed and we played Upwords..I beat her ass SOoo bad. I even helped her out a bit, so I think that contributed to me winning..as odd as that sounds.

Then I had an ice and was going to watch Crazy/Beautiful but I wanted to wait. So I got on here, wrote some of you guys and just chilled. Then I had to eat, so I wrote Nate and said that my mom would chase me off If I kept MSN on, so I signed off and left to go eat.

The ODDEST thing happens..after I eat, I do some dishes, then I walk outside for a bit, come back and my mom says someone had IMed me on MSN i'm like "WTF" cos I signed off. It turns out that MSN automatically signed me on when my mom signed on and Nate was talking to me..when it was really my mom!!! lol. He posted the convo in his diary..but I was so embarassed. It must have been more embarassing for Nate and my mom I'm sure. So I told her to tell him I'd call him and I did. THAT convo went fine, but I could only talk for fifteen minutes so I decided I'd call him back at 9.

I decide to watch an hour of Crazy/Beautiful. It is such a fricking GOOD, romantic, dramatic movie. It made me a bit sad however, because of the relationship she has with her dad and how much I can relate to her. Then when her dad said "Well at least you have a plan Carlos." I was like heh..sounds familiar. Kind of like me and Nate, him trying to make a life for himself me sitting around and being childish and a bit rebellious. I guess she was rebelling because of her childhood, how she was brought up, her dad. She wanted to get out of that rich typecast and be her own person. It's very cute. I plan on watching the rest of it today. I'll let ya'll know what I think some more when i'm done watching.

Anyway, I watch an hour of it and then it's 9 and time to talk to Nate. The convo went well..till Stacey decided to open her BIG mouth and tell Nate that a certain event was coming up in 4 days. See, when I say things like that he'll tease and joke around and say "oh really..shit I didn't know" or something like that and I don't get mad.

But this time it seemed like he truly had NO idea of what I was talking about. Of course, what I was referring to is that our anniversary is on the 21st. He seemed bewildered and then said that he thought I was referring to something else and he didn't completely forget because he had a lot on his mind.

Of COURSE I get accused of ruining his good day because he finally has gotten into college, and I'm happy for him and all but at that moment I was concentrating on how completely HURT I was..and I had no intention of recking ANYONE's day. Is it ok to care that I was so fucking upset?! Does THAT matter?! And what made me more mad is he just laughed when I'm sitting there on the verge of tears, getting frustrated.

Anniversaries are SO important to me. By NEARLY forgetting it told me that it meant a LOT more to me than it did to him. Hell, I have a shitload of crap on my mind too but I still knew it was on the 21st. I'm a chick..of course I got angry. It seems to me like EVERY guy forgets special days, and I know that's cliche' but I was so fucking upset that I said the first thing that came to mind which was "typical guy." Hence, that comment didn't turn out well and I got chewed out for it when in all reality I didn't even mean it..to me it's such a guy thing to forget an anniversary, but then he said that it's only happened once..which is true so I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's not like he TOTALLY forgot it. Ugh..I don't know. He just said something else instead of the answer I wanted to hear, so of course I flipped.

Am I overreacting?! Am I being overemotional?! Probably yes to both questions. I need some feedback from all of you. Am I WRONG to feel the way I do?! To get so upset?? This is just the ONE event I've been looking forward to for WEEKS and have been counting down in my head, so of course I was expecting him to approach it the same way and got let down. Tis what happens when you expect too much. I shouldn't have said it..maybe I did get overemotional..hell, I cried on the phone and I had to let him go because there was just silence and I KNEW I'd just bust out into more tears and be more of a wreck had I stayed on the phone longer.

We leave..we said our byes and I HONESTLY felt bad for ruining his good day but believe me, it wasn't planned. I didn't have an intention of it. But god..it ruined my day too. I hate fighting..I am not totally sure if I had a very good reason to break down and go nuts. I just hate these guilt trips I put on myself..then I say to myself "Stace..you're worthless..blah blah..how can you ruin his day.." You know, the speech. But my feelings should count for something too..right? to me, and I was probably overreacting looking back on it..his getting into college took importance over our anniversary. Though I KNOW it's important to him..it's a big deal..but what about us? Which might be silly to think. I'm not even sure. Maybe I should have kept those feelings to myself, maybe I'm making too much out of this. I'm just pissed at myself somewhat. I 'm probably making this into a MUCH huger deal then it is. It just holds so much significance for me.

So for the rest of the night of COURSE cheesy/sappy love songs come on the radio. I nearly threw my radio across the room cos I certainly wasn't feeling the love. I was feeling anything BUT.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore so I went to sleep. Then I woke up around 6, and here I am. I don't know whats happening today but I gotta finish the movie and my mom has to go to the doctor. Here's the friday five...

1. When was the last time you cheated?

On what? A test? A while ago..I don't know..lol. Probably the last time was when I was taking a math test when I was in school. Of course, I got caught.

2. When was the last time you stole?

A couple of years ago.

3. When was the last time you lied?

hmm..well every now and then I tell white lies but that's it..nothing major. Ok, a lie is a lie no matter how I rationalize it..lol.

4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property?

I've never done anything like that.

5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one?

Last night when I opened my big mouth and decided to say the first thing that popped out.

Fucck..I just hate being emotional..letting my emotions overtake me. I hate not being in control. I just freaking cried myself to sleep. I don't know..I'm so confused about a lot of things..about life..about love..about who I truly am as a person and if I'm ever going to truly do something with my life, instead of waste it away..why things have to be so complicating. I just want a FULL day of pure and total happiness and bliss. I understand that ups and downs make life interesting..they are a part of life but I just want to get off this roller coaster ride..for good.

Well that's it..I've rambled and ranted and raved for a WHILE so I'll free ya'll from it. Ugh..I feel like I'm getting sick..my throat is all dry, it hurts to swallow and shit and I've sneezed a few times already. It's prolly from stress. I guess I'll be Ok. I hope your Friday and weekend turns out great. Bye *waves*

"Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better."--Albert Einstein

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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