In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Right here waiting by Richard Marx (Baby..I'll wait for you for as long as it takes...:) )

Anyone want to trade lives with me? Anyone? I'll take offers!! lol. Yep, it's been one of THOSE days..you know..a day where you feel like you shouldn't have gotten out of bed, like if you slept the day away it would be a great thing..a smart thing..like you wouldn't be missing out on anything.

Well anyway, so after I updated I ate..BY myself..yay! Tis what I wanted. :) So, I was upstairs watching something or other on MTV and then all of a sudden I hear my dad's voice. I KNEW shit was going to hit the fan..sure enough the next thing I hear is my mom's voice saying "So TALK to her!" Uh oh..I KNEW this meant TROUBLE..with a capital T.

So, yep sure 'nough..he says.."Stace..I need to talk to you." So in an annoyed voice I asked him what the heck he wanted. His EXACT words.."What are you gonna do?" (god, I DESPISE that question). So I didn't really say a word. Then he asked me if I'm going to a college thing..all I can say is "What?" So then he starts yakking about something in the mail. whatever. So then he said something about me saying I was going to get a job and not doing anything and that I can't stay home forever and then he said "What are you gonna do?" So I said pretty loud "Kill myself." (And no, people..I am not REALLY going to kill myself, I was just testing out his reaction). For some reason that shut him up and he walked away. Wtf?! Gee, you can see how much he cares. I just all saw it coming..he's so fucking predictable. I said to my mom later on that if I killed myself it would make him happy cos I wouldn't be a burden or problem but she said that is such nonsense. I know it is.

Then he bothered my mom and said "While I'm on the subject..What are YOU going to do?" So she said that she's looking for something and blah blah. So then he said everyone is doing something but us and it isn't motivating me to look for work if my mom is at home all the time..ok, true..that's the ONLY true thing he said. So, that was easy..he walked off.

THEN if that wasn't enough me and my MOM got into a fight. I started crying, yeah I felt like I was 5 years old again. Right now she is at the bowling league which is why I am able to be typing this. Basically she just kept bitching about me saying I SAID I was going to get a job and shit and I need to think of my future..I haven't followed through, it's time for me to grow up. Then she was saying how I am going to get real bored sitting around here and I need money to pay for things and she's not buying me stuff anymore and blah blah blah. I stopped crying after a while and said that she can get some applications for me to fill out if she goes some place and sees that they are hiring. I said i've just been lazy, but I know I can't be anymore..she said that's not an excuse and I shouldn't use it as one.

So, she bought the paper..we went through the classified ads. She said that a good job for me would be clerical..like filing, or assisting or typing or something along those lines. She called someone up to ask about a position for me, but they said 5 people want that position and I need to know how to use Excel and Quick Books. I know about Excel, but I know nothing about Quick Books. Ugh..then she asked me about college and when I am planning on going. I really can't talk to her about it because she has no clue that I am moving with Nate to NY for college, heh..just WAIT till she finds out. I don't know....basically if I don't do SOMETHING my life will be in deeper shit than it already is at the moment.

After all that crap, I went with her to get my phone upgraded and then went for lunch..got some fast food and we came home. My dad wasn't home so it was pure bliss. Unfortunately, later on another fight..but I'll get to that soon..

She was basically saying that we need to motivate each other. My mom is also looking for a job, but for bookkeeping..and no, not to shut him up because once she gets some money coming in and doesn't have to rely on a paycheck, then she's going to leave him and she can't wait to be successful. It's really sad when your own MOTHER says that she wishes your father would be cheating..she said it would be nice if he has a girlfriend, so at least it will be easier on her when she asks for a divorce.

So where was I..hmm..oh, so we came home. I was late to talk to Nate..:( but we did get to talk for a while. That totally, totally made my day right there..it always, always does. He is my light in times of utter darkness, the smile on my face in a time of extreme sorrow. It sucked so bad though having to say bye to him today. :(

After that things were ok..my dad came back but it was quiet here. I should have known that last night was the calm before today's STORM. Not only was there a storm in here, but outside as well. What I've come to learn is that my dad is just an extremely miserable bastard. He sees the worst in everyone, the dark side to everyone and every situation. He takes his depression out on everyone and he's been depressed for aggess. He's a manipulator, he's a controller. He's only sweet when he has a reason. There's always a motive involved. And when he doesn't get what he wants..THAT'S when he evokes hell.

Anyway, so like I said it was quiet for a bit..then he started up again. :( In a badd way, worse than before. He asked my mom about me again and she said that it's so hard to find a job now-a-days and that I am trying, and she's going to get apps for me..this of course was something he didn't want to hear. So he yelled and screamed saying he knows nothing's going to happen. So I yelled out to him "If you have a problem with me, tell ME! Don't get her in the middle." So then as she was talking about me, he walks away. She told him it's rude to walk away..so he came back..

Then my mom said something about my aunt not being able to find a job either so he said "At least she's been working all these years unlike you." So then my mom said something about her being a failure, so he said "I never said that"..so she said "You didn't have to, that's what you mean." So I just stood there..rolling my eyes. Then my mom went on to say that if she wasn't here, a lot of things wouldn't get done, how she does everything for him. So he said he hates his life and is depressed so then she said something MEAN.."You've been depressed your whole damn life..ever since you were born.." Then he told her to go to hell to which she replied "I already am." Then he said he wished he never moved down here so she said to him "You know..you've always been miserable..even in NY you wanted to commit suicide and jump in front of the trains.." All he could say to her was "Shut up." Cos it was total truth.

A few other things were said and then he said "I wish I (him) was dead." So my mom said "I wish you were dead too." So then he said "Don't worry..I'll die soon." Hahaha..he's been saying that FOREVER. So I said to myself "You sure will die..I'll shoot you!" lol..of course I wouldn't but I won't lie..I've had images of him dying in my head, and the pure bliss that would follow. I know that's HORRIBLE to say but the guy has been making mine and my mom's lives HELL as long as I can remember. He deserves utter crap in life.

After that..it was quiet..he was watching TV in his room, my mom was in here, me upstairs. So I went with my mom after a while to get pizza. We ate in total silence, I was just talking to Derek, and now here I am.

I HATTEE with a passion when he's off..hell, I hate him period. I can't stand when he walks in a room..I cringe and tense up and my mood changes. I've never loathed someone so much in my entire 18 years on this earth. I don't understand why he cares so much whether I am in school or working, the guy doesn't care about me one bit..I can understand why he wants my mom to do something though. My mom said he probably just wants the house to himself during the days, because maybe he's cheating..again, it's sad that that thought makes her happy.

I just love it when he's out of my sight. My mom married the biggest prick on the face of this earth, I'll tell you that. No one even liked him as a kid, they just tolerated him. He's one of those people here to torture everyone he comes across. There are good people out there that will bring you up and bring forth joy in your life, and there are people that are satan like that make your life a horror..he is of the latter. I just wish he'd drop off the face of this earth. He makes me SICK. I just think life would be easier if he wasn't in it. He only cares about himself, and I hope that he rots in hell where he belongs.

So, tomorrow we'll probably look in the classified ads again. Like she said, we're going to help each other out and team up to defeat him. I just have to keep my eyes open for job openings. I'm really lucky for my mom..I don't know what I'd do without her. Sure, we go through tons of shit but overall, I know she's only trying to improve me which is why she wants me working..she wants me to feel better about myself, to have money, to get out of the house more. Ha..how IRONIC..this girl is requesting a song on the radio on Delilah for her husband "Nathan". Awwwww my Nathan. : ) My everything in this world. =D

I can't wait to get out of this hell hole and be with him every single day..to wake up to him every morning and be by his side every single night..it will purely be my heaven on earth. He has no idea just what he has done by coming into my life, how happy he's made me when I feel like I don't have a reason to go on. Baby..you're my angel. : ) I love you more than anything in this entire universe. (K) I sometimes wonder why I bother to wake up and the answer becomes very clear..Nate. because of my future with Nate..and that thought in itself is enough to get me going.

Well anyway, I best end this soon..there's no telling when my mom will be home..ha, I am surprised my dad didn't question where my mom went. I just wish I didn't have to wait another year to move out. :( I hope I can save up enough money that I can get out of here sooner and be where I belong, with my bunny. I hope tomorrow is drama free, I do..but there's no such thing around here. :( So if ya'll think you have a bad parent, be thankful you don't have my dad as a father!!! lol. Majoorrrr dick.

I'm really looking forward to Gilmore Girls and Real World..I hear in Real World their getting kicked out of the restaurant cos of Leah and Mallory! Heh, should be interesting.

It's so frustrating being here..it is. I want to give a special thank you to Ashlynn for your greeting card. : ) I love what you said..so inspirational and the fact that you took the time out to show me you care blew me away. So very thoughtful..thank you so much. I am not really used to too many people caring about me, so it means a lot to know that you care. : )

Ok, so I'm done with my rant for today..thanks for listening ya'll. I had to get it off my chest. Lionel Richie has now become a close friend..heh. Take care..have a great night..and if you have a cool parent, give him/her a hug. :) Bye bye.

Welcome back Whitney!!!! =D Rizzzocckk on.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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