In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye

Well, I am back from the mall. I got cute Pj's, and two tank tops. Couldn't find shorts unfortunately. :( It's not the season right now. I'll just have to find stuff in my drawers to wear.

I am crying right now as I type this. Why? My hard times are getting worse. Me and my dad just got into a MAJOR fight. I am not talking about a stupid little fight, but a huge ass fight. He doesn't agree with anything I do, or want. It started with him asking what Nate is to me. I said what did it matter so he said it does. I told him it's my business and he said it's also his. *rolls eyes* He said if he's my friend, it's fine..not if he's something else. Do I honestly care what's fine with him? What the fuck does he expect..for me to never talk back to him or shield myself from love for the rest of my life? He is trying to really make my life hell and I told him one of these days I'm moving out so his response was 'good'. Cos he told me I can't do whatever I want under 'his roof.' Fuuck man. I have never hated anyone so much in my entire LIFE. I'm getting the hell out of here as soon as possible. I'm not living by his fucking stupid rules. I can't be here anymore. It's only just killing me inside. He's not going to take anything away from me, not if I have anything to say about it. And I do have a say, he's not going to control me or my life as hard as he tries. I can't be a little girl forever. I just wish he'd freaking trust my judgement and respect it. He just sees the bad in every fucking thing. This probably has NOTHING to do with Nate and everything with the fact that I don't kiss my dad's ass. I don't kiss ass, especially his.

He told me he has a problem with me and Nate's age difference. Guess what? I Don't care!!! I'm going to be 18 in 2 weeks, I can do whatever I want and be with whoever I want. I told him not to pre-judge Nate and he said he'll try and give him a chance cos he's probably a nice guy but if he doesn't like him "there will be major problems." He said I am "crazy and sick" and blah blah. I basically told him in other words to fuck off.

He doesn't care what I want from my life, all he cares about is how rational something sounds. He doesn't get me one fucking bit. I can't handle life anymore. I fucking can't. I don't want this drama anymore! I need to move out of here, then I can have the life I want. He doesn't understand how I can love someone I've never met, but I understand it because I KNOW I'm in love despite what he says. Sure, we're going through bad times but my love for him is the ONLY thing in my life I'm sure of.

Since when does he care about my life? All he cares about is that I'm not friendly to him, and that's why He's giving me an extra difficult time about all of this. All he knows how to do is bitch, bitch, and oh yes..bitch some more.

What about MY happiness, who I have feelings for, who I NEED in this life. He just wants to destroy me and the tiny bit of happiness I do have in my life. He's not 'thrilled' with the situation. What the fuck IS he thrilled with? It's MY life..I am going to do what I want. He has no say in ANYTHING I do, though he believes he does. Everything makes perfect sense to me.

It's a constant struggle. If it wasn't Nate, it's something else I'm either not doing right or not doing at all. He just focuses on the negative. He doesn't try to understand me. He doesn't know me one single bit. When he said that I am unfriendly my lame ass response is that I just have a lot on my mind, but I'll put more of an effort in..riight..I just wanted to shut him up. He sways back and forth between one thing and the next. One minute he's saying that he doesn't understand how relationships can work when they are long distance, or on the net then the next minute he says "yeah I know you have a lot of feelings for him." What in the fuck?

I don't care about the fucking age difference, or the long distance. It's just minor obstacles for now that aren't going to get in the way because when you love someone, you make it through that and I know we have a future. My dad of course forsees problems and doesn't think there will be one, but he's going to be proved wrong. Plus, fuck what he approves of. I'm going to make myself happy. I know this is real and I know he is who I want to be with.

He says I am too young to settle down. Well, I've played the field and now I know who I want in my future..and that's Nate. I don't want to have flings anymore, I want a commitment. I don't want to look around here for anyone else like my dad says I should. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't know about the love we have, but I don't want to look because he is the one and no one else can make me feel the way he makes me feel. I am not looking for better, I can't get any better because I've figured out, there is no one better for me. And I know that, and again know that through the good and bad. Maybe he'll get it in time, but if he doesn't get it..then whatever. NO ONE here can fulfill me and complete me the way he does. My heart is settled, and yes I'm ready to be tied down..not yet..but eventually.

Who cares how old you are..love is love. You can't deny what you feel. Love is love..on the internet, in real life, etc..and it can be found anywhere. My dad is just too close minded to see that. I'm almost an adult, so I can make my own choices. I know what's best for me. How can he possibly know when he hasn't taken the time to get to know me and only cares about himself and only tries to bring me down. But he's not going to take Nate away from me. I fight for what I want, for what I believe in. I don't let it go and I don't take shit from him. He sees the negative in every fucking thing. I am so damn sick of him. He doesn't respect me..he walks away when I talk, so why should I give him ANY courtesy? He can go to hell as far as I am concerned. He is so totally wrong about me, about everything.

He can call it whatever he wants to call it, but I know what I am doing and I know I'm not going to do something I'm going to regret. He needs to let me live my life and accept the life I want to make for myself. Just because he thinks I am doing something wrong, doesn't mean I agree..and I don't agree and he can think what he wants to think. My mom actually backs me more than he does! How odd. But I think when he sees the love we feel for each other, he'll know it's real and he won't doubt any of it anymore.

But anyway, enough of that. I was just busting my ass cleaning and fighting and screaming and crying so I am just drained emotionally and physically. I am so glad my dad will be gone next month for a few days to go to Ny..it will be the best few days ever.

I feel like I am just overwhelmed with crap. The carpet guy is coming tomorrow like I said, so I have to wake up EXTREMELY early to put all my stuff that's on the floor, on my bed. Well my mom should be back soon with my candles, so I better go. I just need some extra strength to handle my life, someone give it to me? lol. I need to find it from within. I better start saying hey to him a lot more, because this shit is becoming too much to bare. I need to suck it up and do it so I won't have to hear him run his mouth anymore. I just need a hug..desperately. For someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'll be fine. *sigh*

Take care guys. Have a great night. Road rules tonight..yah..that's the only thought that's made me smile in a few hours..lol. Buh bye. *waves*

Ps: I am going to write some of you back now who wrote me.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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