In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Hey..I'd like to say thanks to certain people for being such great friends. You know who you are. It means the world to me. *hugs*

I just talked to my mom a bit, just totally vented and it did help because she does understand and is going through what I am going through, and of course she..just like Nate, knows me inside and out. And for that and so much more, Nate and my mom are my greatest influences and I'd collapse and give up if not for them.

I wrote a poem last night..a rather sad one, depressing, but it has a hopeful tone to it as always and despite what I am going through, I know things won't always be this way. I am just trying to be positive. I'd put the poem up, but I am still futzing around with it and editing some things.

You know..I am really not sure how much I want to reveal on here anymore. I thought I could share my thoughts with everyone, no matter how odd or heartbreaking they are and that I'd be accepted and my thoughts would just be safe. But after that entry, I felt very exposed, very judged, which was frightening in a way because now my weaknesses can be used against me, and I don't like that. Being vulnerable is great sometimes, but other times it's better off keeping things to yourself. Because certain people just don't give a shit, are unappreciative, and certain people will stab you in the back. It's just the reality of life. I'm just re-thinking stuff. Thinking about how much of my feelings I should let out, basically what to keep to myself and not. I hope I don't totally close myself off, but I might be getting to that point sooner than I thought. I can see why I keep to myself, because some people can't be trusted.

I was thinking of putting that entry on my private diary, because like I said..that entry left me feeling just..weird. Those thoughts were just so personal and so private. It showed though that I am by no means perfect and that I do feel sad and worthless, broken, and crappy sometimes, just like anyone else. That I don't really have it all together. It took a lot out of me to write it, but it just broadcasted that I am human, that I do have feelings. And sometimes, because of my generosity, my feelings get stepped on QUICKLY. People don't see how they hurt me with their words sometimes.

I try my best to be there for people EVEN when I am at my worst, which I do believe I'm pretty low right now, in spirit, just mentally and physically exhausted and burnt out, and I think that says a lot about my character that at times I do push my own junk aside to help someone ELSE. And sure, sometimes I feel awkward, I don't know WHAT the heck to say to make them feel better but despite that, I think I try my best to encourage them at the time and it hurts me when I've been told I said the wrong thing, or I didn't help because all I WANT to do is reach out. I guess I can't help the world. I'll keep trying, but I am not sure who is worth the effort anymore.

But anyway, besides all my problems and my daily struggles and voidness, I'm really in love, and I am really lucky to HAVE love. I don't have much else, but I do have that. My Nate is everything to me in this world. I cherish him, I treasure him. I don't know what I'd do without him. He, besides my mom, understands me and that's such a beautiful thing. We have something so precious and rare that I'd never thought I'd share with anyone that I am fortunate to share with him and I just know that I can come to him with any problem, just like he can with me and we do make each other feel better, and despite our hard times sometimes, we do love each other and we don't take any of this for granted. God, I am choked up with tears right now just thinking about us..just because I love him more than I ever thought i'd love anyone, and he's just..so breathtakingly amazing. He is the epitome of perfection, in my eyes. (K)

I will hopefully be able to get the poem up later. If you're going through a hard time, I pray for you, that you'll make it through as I hope you'll pray for me, that I have a better day and that I feel better inside. I have to go..I think my mom is back with our breakfast. I explained how I feel last night, so no need to do it again. Oh, and the bachelor was wicked last night. I hope everyone has a great day. I really can't wait to talk to my bunny. :) Buh bye. *huggins*

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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