In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: I will by Monica--ah reminds me of 7th grade.

Hello. See, I told ya I'd be back..well earlier than expected but I am in a writing mood.

God, I am such a pack rat! I was bored before..so..I went through my favorites and deleted a LOT of old shit. It felt soooo good. I don't know why I even saved half that stuff. Maybe for sentimental reasons? For some reason, certain e-mails I just can't seem to bring myself to get rid of.

Ugh, my dad's being a jackass and I was in a decent mood until now, not a great one, but decent. Me and mom were getting along and then BOOM. Seems like I can never hang onto happiness too long, something always fucks it up. *sighs* This always fucking happens. I am just ready to crumble and explode simultaneously. Of course, once again I got that fucking stupid 'future' talk..him saying I am wasting my life away or some shit. Ok, this is lame..I am shaky right now. He always does this to me. Ugh. I'm soo scared of him for some reason. He's very intimidating and usually I can just fire back but when he talks to me I become dumbfounded and suddenly turn into this girl without a voice, who forgot how to talk. I hate it! It's like he has control over me and I really hate to be controlled. I'm always afraid that he's just going to blow his top, and you never know when it's coming and I hate living every single day not knowing what's going to happen, what he's going to do or say, when he's going to make me feel like one foot tall..so I drown it all out, yet he still does stuff when it's convenient for him. NEVER asking the person the circumnstance or why they aren't doing something. He just attacks you, walks away when you try to say how you feel and only looks out for himself. He ALWAYS gets the last word. He's just not a good person, not a person who makes you feel loved. I just wish he'd freaking go to sleep and be out of my hair.

I'm really..as days go by becoming increasingly just fucking sick and tired of being here..it gets worse everyday and as each day passes, more sadness lingers into my soul and takes a hold of me. I'm not strong enough for this, I can't deal with it anymore. I'm just ready to just get the hell out of here. I don't know what's wrong with me..I just can't seem to deal well with the fact that I am getting older. It's not normal. Maybe my mom is right..maybe I do need a psychiatrist. Why am I this way? It's soo tiring to put on an act and act like I am ok when inside, I am just a battlefield, I am just a mess. I can't find my way, I don't know WHAT to do, I don't know what I want, and I hate having people dictate MY life telling me what I should do when their OWN life is a fucking tragedy. I hate being controlled. I just want to live with Nate right now. :( Grrr.

You know..just before during dinner, my mom was telling me how I had this weird habit when I was a kid of putting bandaids on my dolls. And I never understood it till now. I think I did it because a bandaid covers up a problem, it heals..you don't have to DEAL that way..you just cover up the problem and hope it goes away and then you peel away the bandaid to see that the problem has gotten better and I wish that life's hardships were that way..but sadly, they aren't. In the grand scheme of life, you can't put a bandaid, or a coverup on the problem to hide it..you have to leave it, open and exposed so you can confront it, and I have a huge problem with that. Reality just sucks crap, it's so much easier to daydream.

I'm just stuck in this peter pan DREAMER world where I'm a kid forever, I don't have to change..change DEATHLY frightens me..it's just change, but it's scary! My life was great as a kid, except for a few things but I have some great memories to look back on. I want it back sometimes. Life was so carefree. Now, I have an incredible person in my life, for whatever reason LOVES me, but besides that not much else. I am amazed that I am loved, weird huh? My world right now isn't so happy..it's full of turmoil and strife. I wish I didn't know what I know now. So, my dad says I should go to school..I don't fucking want to go to school here. I need MONEY. I need to be with Nate. I WANT to be with Nate, god, this is just NOT fair!!! Everday I increasingly get tired of being here, by myself, without him, missing him, wanting to SHOW him I love him, and I've never been good with waiting. I've done well so far, and I know I have to keep waiting, being patient, and he's worth it but I'm just so very, very lonely right now and feel like a lost soul. I'm sooo very scared. I want to cry..and I am starting to. Lovely. I'm just pained right now. I'm starting to think I'll just never even be ready to be an adult. All this shit is just getting to me. Everything. The worst day was when I graduated, because now I can't use studying, or homework as an excuse anymore.

You know..this is not even what I wanted to talk about AT ALL..but he had to go wreck my night and throw me off course. *sighs* Nothing is working well at all, little things are just seeping into my skin..slowly. I'm stuck in a shell, in a comfort zone, shielding myself from the world. I'm just a complete trainwreck ready to happen, I'm all over the place, my mind and thoughts are scattered everywhere, in every direction, making it hard to focus on one thing. I feel like I am at a crossroads, not knowing where anything's going to take me, which direction to head in, but knowing that I want whatever it is to take me to Nate. I know I am not like everyone else, I haven't traveled the path others have, hell I haven't traveled any path yet and I just feel like a complete, utter LOSER..in every single sense of the word, that's how he makes me feel. I think I am always going to be this way. I am just so stubborn, just STUCK in my ways. eck.

I don't know when I am ever going to grow. I am convinced that I will always be this scared, naive, shy, quiet, reserved girl, who won't take a risk, who won't go anywhere..it seems like it was the path charted for me since day one.."Stacey, the bum, who has many talents but doesn't make use of any of them because she lacks confidence,lets fear consume her, therefore she is never going to go places." Maybe that's just the description meant for me in this life. I am starting to think I'll never become something great..that I'll always be average, nothing more, and the only person who sees more for me, is Nate. I know a great life is planned for me, I'm living a less than mediocre one but I haven't let myself see this great life..I've in a way chosen this less than mediocre one, this crappy one.

It's not like I enjoy sitting here half the day just WAITING for someone to update, playing computer games, doing online quizzes, being completely bored, the only two excitements being talking to Nate and TV so why am I not going out and enjoying life? I constantly get told I'm a nice girl, smart, I have a lot going on for me so why am I throwing it all away? Why do I do this to myself day after day? I don't get it. Blah. I hate that word but it's the only one that seems to describe how I feel at the moment.

Well, I guess next entry will be the inspirational one..this is just one full of bitching, full of me hating things but not doing anything to make them better. Argh. I really am at war with myself..and I am sick of letting my dad bring me down, but maybe I do because a small part of me says he is right and I am trying to rebel from it, but I can't. I let myself get dragged down also because my self esteem is just in the dumps at this point. I just am so problematic right now and really troubled.

I am going to go because I am being nothing but a total downer right now. I hope you guys have a better night than I am..the only saving grace of tonight is the bachelor, because it is the only thing that will cheer me up tonight. I just want to go to sleep, I have a headache, and because when I am sleeping the world isn't staring me in the face, and I don't think about anything, and every care just fades until the next day. Bye. (Wow, I was completely vulnerable in this entry, but in a way it's liberating).

"Is there anyone out there cos it's getting harder and harder to breathe..."-Harder to breathe by Maroon 5.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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