In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Eye of the tiger by Survivor

Good morning, ya'll! I feel somewhat better emotionally..yesterday was one of those 'blah' days again, something happened between me and Nate..I don't feel like talking about it anyway because we ALWAYS come out of everything ok. I just need to lighten up though, and not be so sensitive because I know it irritates the hell out of people I know.

I just got finished talking to my mom. Oddly enough, she didn't ridicule me, she just told me some stuff that's true. I realize I won't have a totally fulfilling life if I don't get to experience this world and all of it's beauty. I do feel kind of 'stuck'..well of course I do, I'm letting fear hold me back from truly applying myself.

She informed me that I am a very knowledgeable person..a very SMART person but I am not going to go places in life if I don't have confidence, if I don't let myself learn anything or grow. I think I will be much happier once I get out there and experience stuff for myself, and push myself further than I could even go, until I can achieve my dreams, my aspirations.

I don't want to be stuck in a shell anymore. I just want to do new things, see new sights, ENJOY everything to the fullest. No, this doesn't mean I want to do this stuff ALONE. I'M holding myself back, no one else. I want to experience and try things, but with Nate by my side the entire time..THEN I know I can fully enjoy them because he'll be there to share them with me, and he'll be there to cheer me on and encourage me. I love him because he not only tells me what he admires and likes about me, he tells me things I need to hear about myself too..he doesn't sugarcoat and I love that..he sees things in myself that I just push to the side, that I need to deal with..he makes me realize that..and that my friends is why he's not only my lover, but my best friend as well. My mom does this same thing for me and I am LUCKY to have these people in my life telling me when I'm, for a lack of better words, being a poo head..lol. And I think I do the same for him and we just balance each other out so well. To me, he's just the greatest person to ever come into this world and absolutely perfect for me. He has shook my world up in the best way possible. <3

If I don't push myself and see what I can be good at, I'll never learn like she said. I'll just be stuck in a rut, and I don't want that anymore. I have yet to see what I can really do, I have yet to totally live my life on the edge and the way I will do that is by slowly stepping out of what I know in my little world, by not sticking with the known..by getting a taste of what the UNKNOWN is. I live a sheltered life, I just can't let my mom do things for me anymore. Again, I'll be going nowhere that way..sure it will be easy, yet it will be tedious and annoying after a while and I won't be the person the higher power made for me to be, I won't learn, I won't know how to pick myself up from a mistake. I can't be afraid of rejection anymore, we all go through it, it's just a part of life. I just need to spread my wings. I'm not going to be happy if I stick with just whatI know.

I don't mean to sound conceited or arrogant, but I realize I have a gift in this world. My gift is with words, maybe that's what I am here to do..heal people with words..I don't know. But I'll never know who I can truly be until I apply myself. I am just trying to figure out who I am, what to do and I will. Slowly, I need to build confidence somehow. I just hope to go places, with Nate in my life, that I've only ever dreamed, to do things I never thought I'd do, to know that I contributed in some way to this world, to know that I just lived everyday to the fullest and to not have regrets and to do what I feel, say what I feel, speak my mind..that's my hopes in this life..that's what I need to set out to do. I think I just need to write out my goals. But I know it's never too late to get my life in order, I have time.

Besides that, we were talking about relationships and all that kind of stuff..my cousin and her insecurities and I don't want to get too deeply into that because I'll probably bore ya'll..lol. Urgh..we talked about my dad too. She's just miserable and suffering but hell, she created that for herself. We were talking about her too..saying how she was JUST like me growing up. It amazes me when someone says they can relate to me, it's such a great feeling..it makes me know I am not alone and I just don't want to push people away anymore. She said she loves talking to me for my advice and perspective, I guess she likes the fact that I make her think. What's cool is that one day we'll really piss each other off, and the next we can just talk for hours..lol. It's interesting. I just now am realizing that life isn't meant to be taken so seriously, as I make it out to be. That's why there are oodles of funny people in this world..cos a sense of humor will get you everywhere in this short and fleeting life. If you let every little setback bother you, you'll just be miserable, in other words. Some things are meant to be laughed off.

Well anyway, besides the emotional shtuff mmm we went to Carvel and I got a chocolate flying saucer..good shtuff! That helped a bit..lol. Ah, chocolate can do wonders..lol. It was relatively drama free yesterday, so I am glad for that. :) I listened to music last night in bed, which I haven't done in a while. Aww guys, my sweetie's sick. :( I hope he feels better soon. I know some of yesterday was my fault. I am just working on myself, on changing..I have to because either I'LL drive myself insane, or drive people close to me insane. I am just sick of doubting and questioning myself. I want to get things right the FIRST time around. Wow..I love this diary. Writing this entry is so cathartic and therapeutic.

My mom doesn't feel well either..well I explained why already. It was nice to hug her this morning, I needed that just because of my emotional ups and downs lately, really. I can't wait to talk to Nate this morning, just so we can clear things up. Everything we go through makes me realize more and more how much we are meant to be and just MADE for each other, it's so awesome how we just pick ourselves up from things and move on and become even closer. Spending my life with him will be the most surreal experience. Sure, we will have our struggles, and our good times but the most important thing is we'll have EACH OTHER. :) And I am so blessed for that.

We found out some more bad news on the lake drowning but I really don't feel like talking about it..argh. What else..what else..hmm my dad's home..oh fuck, whatever.

I can't put my finger on what else I wanted to talk about. Oh yes, tomorrow is Michelle's b-day. She can kiss my ass. She conviently forgot my b-day, so that's the same treatment she's getting. Well, time to go. I'm going to talk to Nate in two hours so I just want to give myself time to relax. Have a great day ya'll!!

World, watch out because when I am ready..I am going to take you by storm!!!

"Too many of us are hung up on what we don't have, can't have, or won't ever have. We spend too much energy being down, when we could use that same energy, if not less of it, doing, or at least trying to do, some of the things we really want to do."--Terry McMillan

Song: Boys of Summer by Don Henley

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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