In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Open arms-Journey

This day hasn't been exactly wonderful. I got into a huge fight with my mom this morning about what else...my future. We've been having this same talk over and over again. Probably because not much has changed since our last talk.

What I got out of it this time though that was differently than all of the other times was the fact that she is so desperately trying to control my life..she analyzes every little thing I do. She wants me to live the life SHE envisioned for me..not the life that I would like to live. I have to be me and make my own decisions. That's just partly why I can't wait to get out of here..to have complete freedom and control over my life, to get away from her, to be with the love of my life.

I was really seeing red all morning..and then..I start talking to Nate..telling him everything that is on my mind..everything that happened..and as usual, he just made me feel so much better and filled me with so much hope for our future together. He's never going to know how much I love him. I really do..he's my world. I made sure that he knows exactly how I feel about him because I don't want him to ever go a day without knowing.

But yeah..very frustrating morning. It got so heated..we were just yelling at each other and she threw some papers at me which pissed me off even more. SO mature of her. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, seriously. She just really gets under my skin. Yes, I know she wants me to really do something with my life, she probably does want the best for me, but I don't want my life to be HERE..this isn't the kind of life I want for myself. I want my life to be spent with Nate by my side. It's way too painful to be apart, it really does break my heart to be so far away from him. It's not fair of her to expect me to live here forever & to live the kind of life that I don't want. I don't know if I'll make it til August. I guess I will..i've made it this far. I think I'm strong enough. I just don't know how much more I can take is all. But I know I have much to look forward to..I'll have a better life..a life in which I will FINALLY acquire the happiness I've been searching for & that I deserve.

But to make things easier on myself I know I have to look harder for a job. Because really, I am probably to blame in creating this hell I live in. I am just making things worse. I was looking through the paper this morning..nothing interested me..and I don't want to settle. To just take something "iffy" when I KNOW I can find something great. So she got all dramatic..blew it ALL out of proportion as usual and took that to mean that I'm going to stop looking. Which ISN'T true. I haven't broken my promise. I am going to continue looking everyday until I find something. But the more she pressures me and gets in my face, the more I am going to rebel.

And now she's trying to keep me and Nate apart again..nuh uh, that's not happening. NO ONE is getting inbetween me and Nate..no one is going to break us up..I don't care how hard she tries. And really, it just makes me and Nate closer. She's such a hypocrite in SO many ways. Like certain things I am doing or whatever are things that SHE has done in the past or is doing right now..so half the time I don't even take it seriously. I threw it back in her face a bit, just to see how she would react. She had no comebacks cos she knew I was right.

If I was really honest with myself, I'd admit that she hasn't been the best mom in the world..sure she's taken more of a role in my life than my dad has, but i've endured so much emotional abuse from her over the years. I don't think either one of them are good parents. But yeah...that was the exhausting, intense, emotional bullshit from this morning. Luckily my dad didn't put his two cents in because then I would have completely lost it. He seems to be happy right now..prolly cos he's on vacation starting this weekend. *rolls eyes*. Oh, but he's annoyed that the painter didn't show today. I've been doing all of the chores around here cos both of them are too damn lazy.

Ok, enough about them..I am starting to feel anger flaring up in me again. lol. The inferno was great last night! I am so happy that David lost..it was nice to see CT upset, cos he was treating Leah like dirt..jerk. All he cares aboot is the money. Blah. And I am glad Katie won cos it pissed Veronica off. God I hate that girl. *hisses* I really hope R World wins the challenge, but it's doubtful.

7th heaven was pretty good for a season finale! Lots of interesting stuff going down. I'm VERY much looking forward to A Idol tonight & Real World. Ok, I really don't see what the big deal is about same sex marriages..I say let them get married and have the same rights as heterosexual couples. But that's just my opinion.

Hmm I think I'll go hop in the shower now..nah, I'll wait until the morning. To whoever made it this far..thanks for reading my venting...lol. That's the beauty of a diary. I'm off to listen to music before AI starts. Have a great night. <3

Who was the last person...

1. ...you kissed?

a real kiss...Nate.

2. ...who kissed you?

Well, my mom kissed me on the cheek but blah.

3. ...you hugged?

Mom. Ugh. lol.

4. ...you phoned?

Nate.

5. ...you talked to (in person)?

Mom.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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