In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: "Down" by Social Burn

Joey: "Ever have one of those days that you want to re-live all over again?"

Pacey: "Yup..you?"

Joey: "Yeah."

Pacey: "What would you have done differently?"

Joey: "Everything." "Nothing at all."

That was of COURSE dialogue between Joey and Pacey from a Dawsons Creek repeat yesterday from Season three. God, is that the best show EVER. Then after that Joey said something about if she had the chance to relive the day, she'd be right back here, and she wanted to know where "here" is, and Pacey says "Here is where we started." PERFECT dialogue.

Because sooo many people have regrets and make mistakes, but if they had the chance to do something all over again, they'd more or less do the SAME thing..even if they had every intention of changing it. It's just human nature and just things are meant to happen in a certain way.

Well, enough of that babble. The reason of WHY I felt it was necessary to include that in my entry is because yesterday was very much one of those days that I wish I could "Do over" and change..though as I said, given the chance I would have prolly made the same mistakes alll over again so I think it's just stupid to have a regret--something you didn't do, but wished you had done..or something you did, and wished you didn't do..you'll just do that same "thing" again.

I got "tested" yesterday. Not one of those tests you take in school where you need to pass or you'll flunk out. This was a test..a test of character, and yesterday I felt like I had none. Now, on a normal basis I don't view myself that way. The point IS is that when I can't help someone, or I can't do anything for them I feel like I am floating in a pool of failure. I feel worseless, and useless like it's MY job to change lives. Which it ISN'T. I am only a human though. I am not a superhuman, though I wish I was. I feel like somewhat less of a person when there's just NOTHING I can do for a person. Sometimes..there is just nothing you can do, but sit back and hope that something works out for someone, knowing you can't do anything about their situation.

I am not perfect..hell, far from it but I just try soo hard to make everyone happy--even IF that means sacrificing my OWN happiness I'll do it in a heartbreat. I am just completely selfless. I put others before me, I care about others more than I have to, more than I SHOULD. So, of course I get hurt. I have to realize that no matter HOW hard I try, it's impossible to make EVERYONE feel better--to make everyone like me.

I give so much of myself to other people, so yeah sometimes I am used as a mat..step all over Stacey kind of thing. And I let people WILLINGLY. That's my fault. Hell, I might even be a bit of a pushover. It's a ton of pressure for me to live up to certain expectations that always get put on me..by my family, etc. I'll never do it. I am never going to be a great kid in my dad's eyes, I am always going to be this person who creates problems, I am always going to be this person who doesn't matter much to him.

My mom is never going to look at me and say.."wow..you're my dream daughter." She's going to point out all of my flaws, and what I can do better and what I am not doing well enough and it tears me up inside. She's always going to criticize me, so in turn I will always criticize myself and ALWAYS feel like I fall short of something as a person..like I am not good enough. I know we are all works in progress. It takes some of us FOREVER to find out who we are, and LIKE it. I guess I put others before me because if I put myself first, I will admit to myself that I'm a worthwhile person. Because every single day, I get a nothing made out of me..and I am just freaking completely sick of it already.

I was just thinking to myself that nice people don't get appreciated. They get tossed around, they get taken for granted, they get taken advantage of. What IS so great about being good?? Where does it get you?? I am just never going to live up to what people want for me to be. I can only be myself, and as I go on just try to be better, try to be the best person I can and make a life for myself that I can be proud of.

When am I going to get out of this "Hero" typecast I've set for myself? Who knows..but hopefully soon. Because I need to learn that it's OKAY to not be perfect, it's ok to fall down and make a mistake--as long as you get up in the end from it all..as long as you don't just sit there on the floor in a heap.

But besides all that, for the first time yesterday in a while I started to taken notice of the little things again. A bird flying in the sky, the wind blowing against a palm tree, the way the sun hits the clouds on the sky, and of course the sunset which was truly magnificent.Sometimes we need to remember that those little things exist, created to make us realize that life is beautiful, short, precious and not to be taken advantage of. A lot of us don't see these little things, or take notice in their beauty, until it's too late and there's no turning back.

It's so amazing how in ONE day I can learn so much about life, about myself, about love. Just by hanging out with my family. Yes, I ACTUALLY went out with my aunt and mom last nite to just get yogurt, hang out and talk about the old times. When I was like 10, and I thought EVERYTHING was funny. I think as I've gotten older, I've failed to see what's so funny about life anymore and I need to get that back. Laughter is so very important..and so very underestimated. It's extremely vital though. I just want to be carefree again--even for ONE day.

We talked about life, about death--about how we NEED to tell our loved ones NOW how we feel about them before it's too late, and we never get the chance. Appreciate everyone in your life, because one day they won't be around anymore, and you'll wish you did. What I just said, reminds me of this song called "The living years" by Mike and The Mechanics..listen to it sometime..it's a GREAT song.

Enjoy your times with someone..get to know THEM as a person, even if you feel like you don't want to..they might just surprise you. Show someone they are loved, because it's a must. You want to try to get to know someone as much as you can, while you've got the shot. All of "this" is due to my aunt telling my mom she was watching videos with my grandfather in them, and wished they had spent more time together..how she wished he had more time left. But what we have, is what we have. WE have the memories.

Anywayy back to more light hearted topics LOl yesterday I showered, shaved, relaxed, watched TV, listened to music, watched movies, watched music videos, got myself a magazine, went out for yogurt, then went to Lowe's and just thought and thought. Sometimes I think I know TOO much about life, sometimes I feel like I know absolutely NOTHING about it. I guess that's normal.

Ugh..My dad is home AGAIN. We nearly got into a brawl last night. I was NOT in the mood for his bullshit.

Sperm Donar: "How come you NEVER put the cans in the recycle bin?"

Me: "It's easier to put them over by the sink."

Sperm Donar: "Of course" [In a NASTY tone]

Me: [mumbling to myself, and exiting the room] "Don't start with me and keep your stupid comments to yourself."

GRRR.

Oh, me and miss evil played that board game again. I WON this time--ok cheated a bit but still won. I have no idea what I am doing today, but after I eat I am going to do my stomach crunches.

Buh bye all. Remember: live, love, and laugh. This entry was a LOT longer than I intended.

Nate: I'm sorry yesterday that I couldn't do anything for you. You have NO idea just how that made me feel. I will be here later to talk to you.

"What you do today can change the course of your life far into the future. Today is critical. Today really counts. "--Ralph S. Marston, Jr.

Song: Superman (it's not easy) by Five for Fighting .."It's not easy to be...me.."

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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