In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Always by Bon Jovi

Hey hey..Soo we got back from the movies a couple of hours ago. First I will summarize the movie then get to those deep thoughts I said I'd speak of..

Me and my mom left around 11 and of course, it was rainy and stuff. My dad said he was going to see a movie too (damn copycat!)..we had an interesting conversation on the way to lunch..I'll get to that later. We went to Nathans, I got a hamburger and then we were on our way to the movies.

We saw "Freaky Friday." It was such a FUNNY, very cute movie. Jamie Lee Curtis is an amazing actress. It was kind of confusing though because they switched places and then the mom became the daughter..she had the mind of the daughter and stuff..and then the daughter changed into the mother and it was weird to hear the mother call the daughter "mom." I wanna start a rock band like that girl! I have many dreams I want to make a reality in life. The lesson in it, and what changed them back was that you should always try to empathize with someone and put yourself in someone else's shoes before criticizing their actions or life. You think they have it easy, but you won't know until you walk a mile in their shoes. And another lesson is to be selfless. It's a human trait to be all "me, me, me" but you should realize there are other people in this world and that everyone effects someone in SOME way so to me a person saying that they don't care about what someone thinks is b/s. Everyone wants to be accepted..and I think that one of the reasons of why people throw themselves into drugs and alcohol is to feel like they belong or fit in..maybe they were hurting and that is a way to escape the pain..yet it's only a temporary escape and as much as you try to run from your problems, they will always be there haunting you and until you face them and realize everyone has them, only then can you truly be at peace with yourself and only then can you move on. How can someone let a drug control them? Only YOU should control your own life and mind.

It was one of the best movies I've seen in a while. 2 thumbs up!!! Anyway, after that we went to the mall for 5 minutes, till my mom went to a cell phone store to get another phone and we had a long wait for that so we took a stroll through Ross and a 99 cent store and then went back in..after that we came home. We didn't go for yogurt last night, so MAYBE tonight. I heard on the news that everyone in the northeast..like the people in NY have a blackout because Con-ed went on fire and it might be terrorist related. I feel really bad for them because the humidity there is outrageous and they are sitting around suffering with no air conditioner. I don't envy them!!! Poor people are walking home in that heat and wait till it gets dark! I wonder how long the power will be out for them.

So, guess what? Me night not see Denise and Chris tomorrow. My mom is ALWAYS the one to call Denise and ask her when she wants to hang out and frankly my mom is sick of chasing after her. My mom has pride..finally. A lot of people aren't even worth the chase. I know Denise is not going to call, and my mom isn't budging so we'll see what happens.

What I wanted to get to was me and my mom talking about my dad and how he has the biggest mouth in the world. Sure sometimes you need to speak up to get what you want, but you don't need to be blunt or obnoxious about it..everything can be done with tact. There's no need to make someone feel bad. We also talked about how he has his head is so far stuck up everyone's ass..he asks for their opinion and advice and he's a follower instead of a leader. In my opinion, he's weak. He's just like everyone else, he goes along with the crowd..it makes him boring. Me..I strive for more..I do certain things on my own and I don't need someone to hold my hand through life..I just need to be shown the right direction.

I would just much rather lead in my life than follow everyone else. I'd like to do things whenever I'm ready to do them..not because everyone else is and for that reason I know I'll NEVER get sucked into peer pressure. I have a mind of my own and sure I want people to like me and think I'm nice but I'm not that desperate that I am going to compromise myself and my beliefs and be someone I am not just to get that acceptance. I do have some sort of dignity and self respect. I just hate the fact that my dad has no brain..he's just in some kind of fog all the time. I'd love to be more assertive, sure because at times I get sick of being jealous..standing in everyone's shadow..letting them have everything while I stand around and wonder why I make myself be inferior to everyone else. Making everyone look better than me..wanting what I can't have..I go through this everyday. I underestimate my abilities, I never see what I am truly capable of. I think my accomplishments pale in comparison to other people's. I never apply myself. I wonder why I take a backseat with myself sometimes. I'm in lamens terms..a wimp. A wimp because I don't want to piss someone off..though I know I will at many times in my life.

He's reckless, he's impatient, he has a big mouth..and I found out something today he told my mom that he ignores me sometimes when I talk. In many ways he hears what he wants to hear..like most people. I deserve respect. I am so fucking sick of this dumbass politeness routine I go through JUST to alleviate tension, just so I won't toe the line and get him angry. I'm sick of listening when he talks..for now on it's going to go one ear out the other, like I do to him. Why should I respect someone who doesn't care about me..who never did..who only does things for me when he wants something out of me. Pssh. I look at him sometimes with so much hatred that it scares me..I never wanted to hate someone. I just see the pain, the tears, the hurt I've been through. He said that a lot of times I'm very testy..Maybe if he looked at himself and took some responsibility for his actions instead of blaming his shortcomings on others he'd see that HE drove me to this point and because of him I am that way and have an attitude at times. I am pretending to be someone else all the time with him and it's such a struggle that I go through everyday and life is too short for it. Screw it. If I start a fight with him, whatever..trying to keep the peace is a hard act..it's a show and this show is over.

Another thing I wanted to talk about..why are people so afraid to get hurt? Hurt is a part of life as is pain. But only till we go through pain, heartbreak, strife, bad times can we get to the best times life holds for us. Life is just a big, huge learning and growing process. Everyday we all search for our identity and strive to be the best people we can be. But the only way we can get to be comfortable with ourselves if we open up to others, let them help us on our way there. We better ourselves with our connections with others..with new experiences..with taking a leap of faith or a risk. People change..and we all need to change in order to live our lives to the fullest and see all the magic the world has in store, if only we would open our eyes to it and not dwell on the bad. No one's perfect..but I love the idea that someone out there can make us perfect, complete us..that someone can make us whole and suit us and make us see that if we saw ourselves through their eyes more, that we'd be a lot more confident. I love the idea of a soulmate. I love the idea that someone will accept us, someone will see that we are a puzzle and they try to fit in those pieces and crack open our hearts, and just how they hold such a special place in it and try to scratch beneath the surface and love us despite our quirks. How they try to understand us and get to know us and don't get mad or try to change us when we don't fit into some stupid mold. Life..just a sequence of events determing who we turn out to be in the end, dictating us. We all don't have to be open books, we just need to be able to trust someone enough to share a lot of who we are with them. That's the magic of love. That's why trust is so vital. We can't be pouty when things don't go our way, we need to realize that sometimes when things don't go our way it's a blessing. Everything happens for a reason and works out to our benefit in the end, we just need to hold on to get to that end and know there will always be a brand new day to live our lives the way we want. We can't be so dependent on people because they won't always be around and we're going to have to learn how to do things on your own. It's ok to make someone be a big part of your life but you become clingy when you make them your whole life.

I think you need to be ok with yourself and accept yourself till you get to really live out your life. Sure we are all insecure, we all need people to point out our flaws because once we realize what they are, we can go about and deal with them or get depressed..Life is either sink or swim and in my opinion, your life should be a total swim..you should lead a life where you're not drowning in pity or sorrow..you need to pick yourself up when you fall down. You need to realize what your strengths are as well and use them to your advantage and apply them. We all need criticism because it keeps our head in check, makes us realize we are not perfect but constantly works in progress. We are here for a reason, a purpose and in time we will figure out what that is. We all have gifts.

However, I am always one to analyze and not be able to handle criticism well but I'm getting better. I sometimes set myself up for disappointment with people because I expect too much of them..I want them to be like me..I want them to act a certain way but I even make a lot of mistakes..I'm only human..we all make mistakes. I think that's why sarcasm is my weapon..I use it to make myself feel better, though I really don't. I just can't tolerate certain types but I need to realize that again, people aren't always going to handle the way things I do or look at a situation the way I do..they are going to look at it with their own perspective and I need to understand that. I wish people didn't use people..I wish people would all love each other..this world would be a much better place. Wishful thinking I know..but along the way we can impact others, we can teach them, we can help them, we can tell them about our lives and the twists and turns so maybe they will think twice about their own. But it's up to them to have a great life..it's all about free will. Sure there's fate and destiny but it only takes you so far..you need to help your own self out.

Take the time to listen, to notice what's around you, to love and to care and to not let fear overcome your life and hold you back from opportunities. Always seize the day..always live life on the edge..never forget who's important to you..try to get out of your comfort zone and try something new..don't take it too personally when someone criticizes you [they aren't attacking you, and only trying to help make you an even better person then you already are], don't be afraid to fail or make a mistake..because life is all about how you handle those mistakes and failures and it defines your character..do what's best for you..don't be jealous cos you'll always be you and you are the way you are for a reason and remember the bad only makes you stronger and wiser and the best person you can be. Hold onto your faith, keep your head up and don't look for an easy way out when there is none. Face yourself..have faith in yourself..believe in you and you can't go wrong. Don't worry so much about what other people think that you lose yourself in the process. Have a mind of your own, never conform. I am working on all these things myself. That is life and what it's all about..through my eyes.

Ok, enough of my rant lol I gotta eat so guys...rock on!!! I heart you all!

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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