In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

I'm not feeling any better, I am just both emotionally and physically fed up.

I know I said this before but this time I am DEFINITELY going to a doctor once my period is over. I truly forgot last time, but this time it WILL happen. Nate and my mom were getting on me so much about it yesterday but I know it's because they care. I know I am so stubborn, that it's frustrating..I understand that. I just don't take care of myself like I should be..it's going to change. I really feel like people care more for me than I do about myself at times.

Maybe that's because at times I truly despise myself..like yesterday. I am just sick of my habit of blurting things out before even thinking about them. I do it a lot..I try not to and I just do it more. Not that speaking your mind is a bad thing, but it's definitely one of my greatest faults. I hurt people on my path and then I am just full of this regret & guilt I feel. Ugh. I am lucky that they forgive me afterwards. I don't give myself a break. I swear, I think I am my worst critic. I'm keeping in mind that we ALL make mistakes and none of us are perfect.

I am the type of person who really cannot do anything wrong because my conscience will eat at me until I explode. I think my little voice is louder than anyone else's..lol. I can't get it to shut up. Speaking of regret, I felt bad in a way for re-scheduling yesterday but ultimately I think I did the right thing and made a good decision. For once. lol. I have trouble making choices and decisions..I really do. Again, it goes back to being afraid of picking the wrong thing. I hate this self doubt and this lack of confidence I have. I don't want to be so hard on myself anymore. I NEED to work on it!!

Yesterday was just not good at all. My dad wasn't feeling good so of course he was being such an asshole and such a baby about it. We had to eat dinner in complete silence cos he yelled at us for being noisy. *sighs* I am sick of living my life in fear of him and what he is going to do..I am sick of being considerate and quiet all the time. He could careless when anyone else is sick but when he is..oh my..the world is coming to an end!! Gag me.

The more he acts like this, the more my mom just pulls away and wants to succeed..just to get him out of her life. He couldn't do anything without her..she does EVERYTHING, and she hates it..she resents him for it. This situation I think is just taking a toll on me..as much as I didn't want it to. Besides Nate and my friends, I really feel like I don't have much in life to be happy about. I HATE living this way..being around this animosity. It's TOO much.

I can't wait to get a job, so I can get out of this house. It's driving me insane. It really is. Living here is just holding me back from so much..from truly feeling happy. But I know this is just for now and I have to be patient. I'll feel better soon..things will get better soon. Being optimistic is what is keeping me sane right now.

I know this entry was a downer but I can't put a mask on how I feel and try to hide it. It doesn't work. I just needed to vent in the worst way. Thank god for d-land! I am going to wait for Nate..and then lie down later on. I'm just gonna continue resting up & relaxing. I hope everyone has a great friday and a great weekend. <3

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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