In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Red, red wine by UB40

Warning: loooonggg entry....

Hello people. =) Happy Monday! Is there such a thing as a good Monday? heh. Well, it's a beautiful day outside. I don't FEEL so beautiful..I'm just worried about my baby right now. :( Just hoping with all of my heart that he's ok. I'm going to talk to him in a few hours. *gnaws on fingernail* I know he will be ok, but he's my world and if anything happened to him, I'd be devastated. I'm just hoping for the best. If you haven't wrote him..what the heck are you waiting for?? Get your ass over there and DO IT!!! For those who have, thank you.

Before I get to this serious stuff I mentioned in my previous entry here's what I did yesterday..just basically chilled at home. I showered, Me and Nate talked for a few hours, I ate some pizza, did some crap around the house and then we went to Wal-mart and the supermarket and came home. I watched some TV, listened to music, ate dinner..it was just a relaxing night. I saw the Paul Abdul and Mariah Carey stories. Of course, I had Nate on the brain. :/ Argh..I am trying to think pleasant thoughts.

I was watching some inspirational stuff last night. Do I consider myself spiritual? YES. VERY. A guy was talking about associating with the right people. He was saying that we need to be very selective with choosing our friends and we need to be around positive people that will build us up and stay away from negative people that will tear us down. He said if we hang around the negative people enough, we will get dragged down with them. So in other words, be choosy about who you're friends with and if you hang around positive people you will feel good vibes and 'soar like an eagle'. :) Very true.

Then, the woman I was watching was saying that we go through the hard times to learn things and to build our character. The one thing that she said that stood out was how we all need to make decisions, but we need to do the right things when no one is looking and when the right thing is the hardest thing to do. If someone does something stupid, let it be because we all make different choices and some of us just need to live through the consequences of those actions. If you don't feel comfortable with a situation, walk away even if you're walking by yourself.

Basically what I learned from it all is that no one has a perfect life. We all have our good days, and we all have our trials and tribulations but we can't let our feelings take center stage, we have to trust and have faith in the fact that everything's gonna be ok.

Well anyway, onto the serious thing I wanted to talk about..today holds much significance for me. Why you ask? Well, today marks the two year anniversary of my grandmother's death. :( It's really hard right now..just thinking about her and remembering the joy, and laughter, and smiles she brought to the lives of everyone who knew her. She had such a friendly, and easygoing personality and she had a heart of gold. I've always admired and looked up to her. We were always close and she was probably the grandma that everyone wants to have.

I don't know if I've ever talked about her death..well..she was suffering for a long time from Parkinsons Disease. It was making her voice really low, affecting her nervous system and her mind was slowly being robbed by that disease. It was so scary and sad to see all these changes in her, to see such a vibrant woman suddenly become a lifeless vegetable. She was stripped of all her dignity because my aunt had to take care of her. It was such a hard thing to deal with for a fiercely independent woman and spirit.

She had to swallow her pride though and let my aunt prepare meals for her, clean up after her, etc. They lived together for a couple of years when we moved down here. We lived with them actually for a while until we found a house of our own. Anyway, after my grandfather's death, she just wasn't the same. She cried herself to sleep at night, cried out his name wanting to be in heaven with him. I could tell, even though she was such a strong woman she didn't have much of a will to be alive anymore because he was just everything to her.

The disease sloowlly started to get worse, so my aunt made the decision..the painful, and agonizing decision to send my grandma to New York to a nursing home that my aunt's cousin ran there. She thought she'd be better off there and my aunt just couldn't take care of her anymore. Of course, she felt an enormous guilt from this..from letting her go there. Well, it seemed to be a good decision at first. They took good care of her, because she was family and provided her with what she needed and she had a lot of company and was around people her age.

After a while though, her health just declined and she was getting pneumonia and they started to neglect her there. We went to visit her and it was just a heart breaking situation. I didn't want to be there because it smelled, and it was depressing and just creeped me out really. So anyway, she had pneumonia once again and they took her to the hospital. She was doing really badly..(this was around the time of my 16th b-day..when the terrorist attacks took place..) anyway, so my mom couldn't be there for it..she had to be in NY.

She was doing so badly that they said they were going to give out their last rights really soon. My BIGGEST fear was she would die on my birthday. Luckily she didn't. It was a scary situation for America, of course, with the attacks. My grandma seemed to be ok, but it was a false alarm really. On the night of September 15, 2001 she passed away from respiratory failure..in other words..the disease literally, took her breath away from her..We lost her. :(

I got the news and was completely of course, upset and I didn't know how to react. I couldn't even cry..tears just wouldn't come out. I was..numb. My mom barely ever shows emotions, but I know she was crying as was my aunt. They went to the funeral a few days later. I couldn't go, cos I had school though I wanted to be there. My mom talks about her a lot..about things she used to say..about her personality..and I know it hurts her inside. She was everyone's best friend and now, two years later we can feel her presence sometimes..we can still hear her laughter, feel her encouragement with everything we do and it gives us a sense of peace to know that she's with my grandfather, happy, probably assisting everyone right now wherever she is..she's not suffering or in misery and I am so glad for that. I'd just give anything to have her back.

It's hard though to live without her, to not have her around but we know she's watching after us, and always around in our hearts and spirit. I miss her..there's not a day that goes by that I don't have a thought about her. She was just a remarkable woman..I don't think there was anyone like her, or ever will be. She is just irreplaceable and I know her beautiful soul will live on forever. <3 She's an angel..then again, when you think about it all our friends and families are. She may be gone, but she is NEVER, ever forgotten.

Anyway, my poor cousin (Karen) is not doing too well. :( She's having nosebleeds and she's just in an outrage because she won't be able to go to the doctor till OCTOBER. :/ She better get another doctor..she NEEDS to get checked out because she's having trouble breathing, obviously.

Well, I better go soon..my mom needs the phone in a few. Urgh..my dad's committee crap is tomorrow night. I KNOW it's gonna be WW III around here..lol. Yep, guaranteed though it seems like he's in a decent mood.

I'm going to get dressed right now, and take something for my headache. I'm happy..I heard the Wonder Years theme song this morning!!! That's one of the best shows EVER..Kevin and Winny were reppin, yo!! :) Have a great week..please, still, keep us in your prayers..thank you!!! Much love.

"Love cannot discover new horizons unless one has the courage to lose sight of the obstacles that hinder its growth."

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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