In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Red, red wine by UB40

Hey guys..I know I'm a bit late here..lol. That's only cos I slept in..well, umm, if you count waking up at 6:20 as sleeping in? lol. But it was a nice sleep..odd, but nice. You're not gonna find out WHY, only my baby will. :�

The reason of why I slept in is because me and Nate talked on the phone last night. Hell, I was a little bit late in calling him because I fell asleep. As he said, it was a nice talk, and we talked SEVEN hours prior to that but the thing is..something happened. I'll sum it up pretty much, I exploded, said some things I had NO business saying and really hurt him in the process which left me feeling like the worst girlfriend in the world. :( I apologized, he apologized..we're obviously great now but god, sometimes my big mouth and quick temper really get me into trouble and I don't realize that my words are extremely powerful and have the ability to crush someone. When I get heated, when a topic really interests me..when I'm passionate about something, I plunge into it full force and get insanely focused on it, which drives me to a dark, terrible place.

I get crushed too...VERY easily. I'm very sensitive. I might play off as 'tough girl', maybe a little cold, distant, slow to open up and trust people, but I'm very fragile and can break at any second. I'm VERY emotional (I was especially yesterday) which I've come to see more in recent years yet sometimes I can hurt people's feelings with the things I say, sometimes it's my honesty, and a lot of the times it's so childish of me and just me seeking revenge out of being hurt..and it's just stupid of me. And I only see it in the aftermath, after I've unloaded everything onto the person and then I feel miserable, when I am actually THINKING rationally and logically. I honestly, loathe that part about myself. It's not like I TRY to do that, it's just when I am there, there's no stopping me, and so unlike me because I don't think about the other person and just focus on how they hurt ME at the time, well till after it goes down. The good/evil battle it out..the FORCE takes over..lol. Oh geez, I talk to my bunny WAY too much..hehe. Though I am semi-dorky on my own. I like it MUCH better when I'm being loving and sweet, not when I've turned into a monster. I'm glad my bunny is so understanding. I'm so LUCKY!!! He's going to be the best dad in the world, someday..I already know it and we talked in length about it last night. I hope I'll be a good mom..I for one thing, will NOT be like my own mother. My bunny is the bestestestest and I will keep on bragging about him forever and ever..lol.

Anyway, ooh I love this song "Hey i've lived all my life for you..and now you're here..hey, I've spent all my life with you, all my life..." lalala. 80's music rocks the house!! Ok, where was I...the morning in itself was just a nightmare. I was totally frustrated with myself. I feel I mislead certain people, and that sucks a lot. I just, I don't know..I seem to determine my worth somewhat on the advice I give people, and when it doesn't jive with them, I feel like I failed even if I tried my best. I felt bad about not going with my mom to see her friend, only to come to find out that they had a bad time because my mom wasn't feeling well and her friend dragged her everywhere to this ritzy mall..eck..I HATE ritzy malls, I just feel out of my element, out of my league. Me and high class people don't mix..in other words, me and snobs don't mix..lol. I don't think anyone has the right to look down on someone. Sure, I live in a snobbish city, but we live on the 'poor side' of town.

The main reason is because my family isn't exactly wealthy..not even close..lol. We don't have many things, never have had many things, I've never had what everyone else did, and if I did it was of lower quality, and maybe that's a good thing..because it helps me appreciate what I do have, it's not a whole lot but there's things in life you can't put a price tag on..like love, friends, and family. And those are the best things in life, I believe.

Reba was great last night. They did a conflict resolution. Actually, it was great because in the end they all made up and it was a good strategy of how the conflict got resolved. But at the same time, it was funny. That's a great show 'right thurr'..lol.

My mom didn't come home for dinner last night, so me and my dad had subs. Of course I got 'the talk.' No, not the sex talk..I never actually GOT the sex talk..but just the talk about my future and shit. We nearly got into a fight, but I just walked away from the entire situation and barely opened my mouth. (Poor Nate, has to have that bastard as a father-in-law..lol). I didn't need more conflict and all I needed was one more person being affected by my actions. I know, I'm very hard on myself..always have been, always will be. Maybe it's because I am searching for some perfection in myself that doesn't exist? Who knows..I'm still learning about how to love my strengths and weaknesses. See, even when you leave the classroom..you're still constantly learning on a daily basis. My dad was yakking about all kinds of shit. ECK, he doesn't go back to work till MONDAY..grrr. God, when he talks I just tune it out..I don't listen which is un-stacey like because I'm known for my listening skills. Maybe cos I can careless about what he has to say? lol

So, anyway..yep, yesterday was relaxing..who knows about today. My mom's feeling better so whether I talk to Nate this morning is yet to be determined. I hope so. I know we just talked, but I miss him already. :) *blushes* He's gonna teach me about moving my image onto my server today. I'm just thankful for him being so forgiving. I'm just thankful for him. Period. I fall deeper and deeper into love with him every single day. =D (He's prolly sitting there right now, reading this, going "I know") lol, Don't ask people. Our love just grows over time, with every obstacle..we just overcome it all. He told me yesterday that next summer he's traveling with his family to see his aunt in Michigan, and he wants me to come with them..woo hoo..ROAD TRIP! lol I can't wait. :) Unfortunately, I won't be talking to him on halloween however. :( He'll be out, having fun, I'll be here..well, not having fun. It sucks that I can't join into all that fun, that I just can't be there right now, it just makes me sad, and I feel left out, though I know he wants me to be there. It gets REALLY lonely sometimes and sometimes I reach out for him..he's not there and the reality hits hard. :( I know it's just like this for now, but I need him..in many ways, and you can analyze that statement to death if you'd like...lol...;)

Eck, my mom is telling me about the people at the mall yesterday. They were ALL clones and had big boobs full of silicone and were wearing tight, revealing clothing. That has NEVER been me, and I'm glad. I'll stick to my casual clothing, thanks..haha.

Well, I'm gonna go now..gotta let my mom online and then eat plus this has been long enough. I think there was MORE to ramble about but I'll leave it at this for now. Have a great weekend everybody! Mucccchhhh Love. xoxo

EDIT: Today should be interesting..I am going with my mom to take her friend to the airport..and then we're going out for dinner. I'll keep ya'll posted.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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