In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Well, this is my second entry today. I feel this overwhelming..need to write. Yeah, that's the word..need.

Life lately has just become so mundane and so just routine. I'm lonely..perhaps more lonely than I've ever been. I am one of those people that can be surrounded by tons and tons of people, but still feel like a lost soul in the crowd, just totally isolated..on my own little island in my mind. I need arms around me holding me tight, I need kisses, I need hugs. I need too much apparently. I don't know why I have this need for constant attachment really, from everyone. I need more than I am allowed to have at this point in my life. I wish I could be carefree, just totally weightless and content with having alone time..truth is, nothing scares me more. I guess people don't want attachments cos it's too much for them, it's too much to deal with and when you're not attached, when you're alone, you can't get hurt. When you don't care for something, then you'll never lose it and it will never betray you, hurt you, disappoint you, etc. But when you're not attached, you're also missing out on close, intimate relationships, good times, smiles, the good that comes with letting someone get close to you. We're dependent on others because we don't know how to make ourselves happy, we don't know how to be happy alone.

The overriding theme of today is love. I watched Wonder Years..had a love theme. I went with mom out to lunch and then we went out to see a movie..the movie's called "Love actually." We nearly missed the beginning though! The person I am in love with, and me got into a fight. See what I mean. Love Actually was an awesome movie. I cried when I heard "God only knows" at the end by The Beach Boys. It's a great song. I recommend that movie definitely, especially if you like British people or are British yourself. I needed that movie, but it just aided in making my loneliness grow. It reminded me that love IS everywhere. The kid in the movie is right.."There's no greater pain than the agony of love." We saw it mainly just to get out, we both needed to clear our minds and forget things for a while and to get away from my dad and his stupid need to always know where we are at every given time. *rolls eyes* There were SO many kids at the theater and all over today, cos they were off from school due to Veteran's Day.

The fight just left me completely torn to shreads and little bits. He's going through a really bad time, as you can tell he closed his diary, and things are just so rough right now in his life and between us. I tried to make it better, but I ended up making it worse and wanting his attention and I asked too much out of him. It's making me sad right now knowing how demanding I was of him yet he sacrificed all of what he had to do to talk to me. And all I was being was a selfish brat, and I don't know..I felt like I wasn't making much sense even talking to him. I felt like..well not like me. Like my body was there but someone transplanted my soul and mind into someone else's being.

Love seems to cloud your judgement, like alcohol tends to do and it leaves me in a total daze. He just has so much placed upon him, so much stuff just happening and I feel like a burden and I feel like I was making it out to be that my needs are more important than his. It was so wickedly thoughtless. I was being unreasonable, really. I just feel neglected, I feel crappy cos we haven't been able to talk a lot and when we did we just argued and due to an argument, he didn't even get to finish his homework. And I felt like I was demanding for us to talk when I know he had important stuff to do. I'm sure the last thing he needed was for me to be on his ass. Sometimes I feel like I am not even deserving of love. Inside, I am just so incomplete, all haywire. All over the place. I was left with so much pain inside to hear him say some of the things he did to me..like how he just wants to give up. Sure, it is so damn tempting to give up in a hard time, but the hard times test our character, we become stronger through them, we grow through trials, we learn. They help us appreciate the good times. Sure, it would be easy to give up but anything worth something in this world is a challenge..doesn't come easy. In a world, so cold and full of hatred, such a rollercoaster, love and hope can overcome it. Though love in itself can = pain and hurt.

Life is just so complicating, I hate how unpredictable it is and how it drastically changes day by day leaving me with absolutely no control. It's so fast paced, I find it hard to handle and keep up with everything happening. There's so many obstacles in my way, or at least that's how I feel. When I feel happy, I just want to capture it and hold onto it forever because it goes out of my grasp so very quickly. I feel i'm getting sick, it's just too much to bare really. I just want this week to end, I want to be around my family again. I want to see a movie every single day lol..movies are such a nice, much needed distraction from reality really. I just wish love in real life was as magical as it is on the movie screen.

I'm fed up with going to sleep alone, waking up alone, going through the day with people around but not the one person that matters the most. And then when we have a fight, it makes us seem soo much further apart. Instead of thousands of miles, it seems like millions of miles and there's not a damn thing I can do. I can't help him right now and I don't even know how to help me. If the worst g/f in the world award was given out, it would go to me. Because, of COURSE I worried about him, of course I care, and it broke my heart to sit here and read those words he said..I felt like I was getting stabbed repeatedly, and I understand why he was being the way he was..he's overwhelmed, he has a lot on his mind..yet at the same time I was looking out for me and right now, I need to take a backseat to other things going on for him, and I need to be okay with that. Granted, I'm not a terrible person, I just FELT that way this morning. I was just really looking forward to us talking--not us arguing. But it comes with the territory, I guess and I know when people are stressed, they tend to push people away sometimes..hell, I do it myself.

So much is holding me back from being where I need to be in this life, and I wouldn't know where to start. It was mucho tempting to turn to my mom today, but I didn't. She has her own problems, she's very frustrated herself with her life and health issues. There's got to be more than thinking positive. I guess i'll feel better when this finals thing for him ends. There's just so much happening that my head is spinning trying to process it all. I need stability somehow, when things get chaotic I get headaches, I get moody and I get like..this.

I'm sure things will get better, will be worked out by the end of the week but for now, I just need some time to reflect on things. And then just looking at that disk full of people saying all kinds of insecere complete crap to me made me laugh this morning but now it's making me overcome with just complete disdain for the human race..ok not the whole human race, but those people in general. Their stupid "I love you's"..god, that term is so thrown around. They didn't love me, they didn't even know me. And I was naive enough to believe it! You learn from your mistakes though.

I'm just really, really pissed with myself, with what an ass I continually make out of myself and for not being understanding. I claim to be, but I was far from that this morning. I was not very supportive, but yet I do just feel so left in the dust, so by myself, so unloved. But certain circumnstances can't be changed or helped and I guess we do the best we can for every moment. You can't and shouldn't expect too much from someone, it's not "right." You can't take it personally when someone isn't treating you exactly the way you want, you have to realize things they are going through stuff and just accept it and know it.

I'm trying to be a better person, I'm trying and that's all I can do..better myself. And stop beating myself over the head with things, it just adds onto my misery. Well, I'm gonna go. Gotta write some people and then I'm gonna lie down. I have a headache. Take care guys. *hugs* And don't make the mistake I did, when someone is going through stuff, just be there for them..don't think the world revolves around you, don't ask more than they can give. Be a friend, be a lover, be a pillar of support and encouragement, don't just look out for you, help THEM out.

I'm sorry Nate. I realized with everything you're going through, the last thing you need is me trying to bombard you with what I want. It wasn't fair. And I know you hate that word, but I shouldn't have done it. Your problems are just as important as mine are, and I mean that. I love you and I'd never want to lose you. I'm praying for you. We'll talk thursday. I hope the week gets better, baby. (K)

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

<< �� >>