In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Read your mind- Avant..GREAT song!

Yesterday was pretty bad. :( *Sigh* It felt like it was never going to end. It seems that everytime I go shopping for Nate to get him whatever my mom goes berserk. It's the same thing every single time.

I think from her, a lot of it has to do with the fact that she's becoming bitter and cynical about romance just because of how bad her marriage is and how she's finding it hard to find someone to make her happy. I think it's very possible that a part of her is jealous of Nate and I which is why during those times she invents things to fight with me about. I'm just plainly sick of it.

So, we ended up getting into a few altercations and she really aggravated me to no end. It's bad enough I've been feeling low lately, and now this shit which I don't need. But anyway, I found stuff for Nate, and then we went to go mail it and I came back home and talked to Nate for a while. :) I needed to hear his voice after all the crap she put me through yesterday. Woman drove me up a damn wall.

On the bright side, I'm pretty sure it's raining right now. Even if it isn't, it will later. Me, her, Sheila and maybe Karen are going to the mall later. This is the last weekend we'll be spending with Karen til she moves so it's significant. Poor thing is moving on VALENTINE'S day..doesn't that suck? ha. I get to be myself for about a whole hour this morning. Whoopie! lol. Oh well, I'm going to use it wisely.

Reba was alright last night..I didn't find it as funny as it usually is. *shrugs* Afterwards I went online for a bit, watched some of Romy and Michelle's high school reunion (though I've seen it a bizillion times) and went to bed early. I needed the extra rest. My sleep lately has been severely lacking.

Tomorrow night is The Grammy's..so you all know where I'll be tomorrow night..glued to the TV set..lol. My mom got on me yesterday about the whole job situation. I guess I can see where she's coming from but we made a deal I'd look next week yet I was getting some huge ass lecture. Tomorrow I guess I'll start looking..if not then definitely next week. I need some bling bling..I'm only down to a certain amount of money. I couldn't buy Dirty Dancing yesterday. :( Not enough on me at the time.

Then my mom just starts going off on another tangent about my dad and how much she hates valentine's day. I was just rolling my eyes. It's really sad cos she doesn't even have any desire to get anything for him. Everytime I see someone that has parents that are in love, I get jealous. That's the unknown for me. As far as I can remember, my parents were never really happy. It's always been really tough on me. So, she's pretty much doing her best to make a life for herself apart from him. She claims things will be different next year around this time. I'm skeptical on that one. She can talk a big game but usually she can't walk the walk..she doesn't follow through. I hope she means it this time. For some reason, I was finding it hard to give her moral support yesterday. So, she seemed perturbed. I just didn't know what to say cos I was fuming with anger from what she said to me earlier in the day. But I do want her to enjoy her life, to find love..and I want to be happy too. To truly, and genuinely feel happy. Something tells me that the only way I can feel that, is by physically being with Nate because when we are together I am happy for real. And I want to feel that all the time..to be with him all the time.

Maybe my turbulent childhood is where my fear of growing up comes from..of why I'm so childlike..I want another childhood. Like a do-over sort of..a childhood full of no pain, no fights, no loneliness..just totally carefree. Being this age is so difficult..so much pressure. I feel stuck..I know how to get myself out of it but for some reason I'm not budging. Change scares me..but it doesn't have to be a scary thing I guess..some good things can come out of it. In a way, I'm tired of the 'same ole, same ole' crap. I don't know what to do..of where I'm going in this life but there is one thing I do know, I want to do those things with Nate. I am 100% sure. It makes me feel good that I at least know something. Everything else I don't know. I don't like that. I need to feel in control.

I've just been sad and melancholy lately. I really miss Nate a LOT. A tremendous amount. And the fact that we're not going to spend V-day together is just upsetting me to the very core right now. :( I need him. Waiting, and waiting and waiting..argh. I don't know how I have this much patience but I do. I can put on fake smiles to hide the pain but inside, my heart is breaking and I'm crying in my mind. Things aren't going well at all. A lot of advice I give people, I should use for myself.

I'm sorry if this entry might have been slightly confusing. I'm confusing myself too cos I'm feeling so many feelings and emotions all at one time and it's very, very overwhelming. My mind is in total overdrive. One minute I'll be singing along to the radio, forgetting everything and then the next moment I want to sink into a hole. Music is the one thing that's always, always going to be there and that gives me a comforting feeling in a huge way. In this world full of change, music isn't going anywhere. :)

I'll get through this, somehow, some way. It makes me feel better that I have you guys. You all rock. :) I better go..I gotta wake my mom up cos she's leaving soon. Then I gotta eat, and get dressed early...get online to wait for Nate, talk to him for a bit, then leave. I hope you all have a great weekend. <3 you. Argh..I just came to find out not only one but TWO toilets are not working. It's always something around here.

"Each night I am counting the days until we'll be together; someday it will be just that, we will be one for eternity."

Baby ...you best be feeling better!!! I loved talking to you yesterday even though we didn't get to talk too much. :( I love you so, so much. We'll talk soon. *big smile*

PS: I was debating where to put this here or in my private diary cos this entry is really serious, personal, and heavy but I shouldn't be ashamed for how I feel..so I put it here.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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