In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Run Around by Blues Traveler (hehe Baby!!!)

Hello guys! Arghh..I got even LESS sleep last night. It seems to be some sort of trend..or routine really. I wake up around 12, then around 3 or so, then fall back asleep and wake up at around 6. Then, in between I have odd dreams. Last night I had ANOTHER weird dream with the same element as the one the other night. I definitely need to look this up.

Yesterday was booorinng. It rained ALL day, I fell asleep, watched TV..you get the picture..lol. I HATE falling asleep during the day..when I wake up I get EXTRA cranky and moody, I just don't like naps but I was so weak and shtuff I couldn't help falling asleep.

My aunt isn't taking the dog..it has problems with it's ears. I think mainly because it has huge ears and if she were to take it, she'd have to take it to the vet all the time and she can't afford high vet bills. Aww too bad. :( I hope the dog finds a home.

Now and Then was on TV last night! It was quite a treat. : ) I was watching that and Sixteen Candles back and forth. I missed the Gauntlet special. :( I wanted to go to bed, so I didn't feel like watching it. I saw 7th Heaven..pretty interesting. I also saw The Wade Robson Project on MTV. They had Nick Carter and someone else as the guest judges. God, Nick looked soo grungy and all rocked out..his hair is long..he looks soo different from how he used to. I can't even believe I used to be a HUGE Backstreet Boys fan. I wasted SO much money on crap from them such as a hat, etc..I was SUCH a teeny bopper..I even have their videos, ALL their Cd's, even their lamenant! I don't know what the heck I was thinking. My music change has certainly changed.

But anyway, they picked the first two winners. A guy, and a girl. The girl was..ok..even though I'm a straight chick..she was umm pretty..lol. I can see why Wade picked her. But still, it seemed she got picked just based on that which is wrong. Anyway, mom told me she talked to my cousin last night. He mentioned some shtuff about the kids but nothing about Derek, I think he's ashamed of him because he's Autistic. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve attention or praise or to be spoken about. All his kids should be treated equally.

My dad FINALLY went back to work..woopie!!! lol. Tonight is my mom's bowling league. I get the computer to myself..well from 6-9. :) Yesterday was interesting for my mom..seems like a lot of guys are chatting her up online..lol. She's SUCH a flirt. I never even KNEW the meaning of that word..ha.

I was watching a bit of Dawson's Creek yesterday..I think I'll watch it again today..good shtuff! : ) Anyway, me and Nate didn't get to talk much yesterday. :( It wasn't his fault, but I know we'll talk more today. =D We're still e-mailing back and forth so it's all good. He saw what I sent him in the mail..:/ I hope he likes it!! I just want to make him happy. When I value something, I will do anything for it..that's just how I am. I value him..I cherish him. It's amazing how we always keep things fresh and how our love continues to grow all the time. I just never experienced anything like this before, it's just..mind blowing.

I still don't feel well. :( I probably won't feel better till around thursday/friday..that's also when the weather should be getting better. Shit! I nearly forgot..yesterday marked ONE year since I've been here on Diaryland. It doesn't even FEEL like a year..nope. I think my writing has changed, for the better because I'm growing. I swear..without this site I probably would have had about 1,000 breakdowns already. It allows me to do something I don't really get to do with too many people..let my guard down, to be myself, to express myself and my thoughts. It's quite a nice outlet, a nice escape and as long as things keep on happening, I'll keep on writing. I just enjoy seeing the change in me over time..getting to document my days and daily happenings. It's going to be great to look back on someday. Thank you all for sharing this bumpy ride with me, and I just hope you continue to share it with me for quite a while.

You know..it's really sad how my dad tries to control my mom. He's jealous of the computer because it gets more attention than he does..lol. He's also pissed because it's her outlet as well and he doesn't want her having one..he wants to keep all eyes on her, make sure she's getting stuff done but he doesn't want her having fun. He wants to keep her captive, prisoner in her home and I feel like she needs to break free soon..for her own good. It's just not right. It's not a marriage, it's a suffocation. It's like they are roommates, me and my dad are too and things are continuing on their downward spiral..however I sit around, pretending like it's not happening, living in my fantasy world, though when I think logically and look at it realistically, I know what's happening. I don't feel like facing it..then it makes it real..then I need to deal and then everything is just going to come crashing down on me, and this perfect life that exists only in my head that I've created for my future will become further out of my grasp and will start to sound so absurd to me..but that's what it is, an illusion. I basically just live on dreams, on hopes, on my optimism.

What the fuck..I can't even make sense of anything..I don't know..I just feel i'm in some sort of rut. Like everyday is the same. I want to feel better, that hasn't happened yet..it just seems things happen at such a slooow rate. I want everything at my fingertips right NOW! That's not the way the world works but that's the way I wish it would work. I just want something to change. My thinking though just slows me down sometimes.

The one thing I am content with in life is my relationship with Nate. In my life, I'd say he's the most important person to me. I could probably count him as the greatest influence in my life, besides my mom. I am really luckier than most..I have him. I sometimes think I might not even be worthy of it all. I was just a puzzle with pieces missing, well till he came along..he has pieced me together. It's scary..I never wanted someone to understand me so much, but in the same sense..I am glad he does. He encourages me, he's THERE, I'm just incredibly blessed really with the gift of love in my life. I plan to keep unwrapping it slowly..excited about exploring the entire gift through life..and you can take that in whatever way you want..lol. Baby..you're the greatest, I honestly don't know what I'd do without you!!! (K)

Well, time to go..I need some FOOD..then I'm gonna lie down for a bit before me and Nate's talk. Maybe shower? Don't know. Have a great Tuesday kiddos!!!

PS: Yay! Real world, Gilmore Girls, AND Nick and Jessica tonight. =D

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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