In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Happy Friday!!

Well, I am pretty much all packed for the Tampa trip. All I have left is some last minute items to pack in the morning, and then I am all set. Oh, and of course I have to take a shower later.

I have to go to bed early tonight cos we're supposed to be at my aunt's at I think 7:30 tomorrow morning. My cousin is sleeping over my aunt's house, so this way we won't have to go all the way down to Miami to pick her up and waste time. We're going to have breakfast in the car on the way there. My mom got her a birthday gift yesterday (Harley Davidson shirt), so that is all taken care of now.

I'm excited about the trip...but not as excited as I was before. Why? Well a bombshell was dropped on me yesterday. Out of nowhere, I get this call from Nate...and guess what he tells me? There is NO San Diego trip after all, he was going to come down here to surprise me this weekend!!! So we could go to Tampa together. BUT...that won't be happening. :( The money fell through, but it's not his fault. Wow, it is good that I didn't go out yesterday or I would have missed that all important call. I guess everything does happen for a reason.

I am still extremely touched that he would go to such great lengths to be with me, that he planned this all out for quite some time. That I am such a big priority to him. NO ONE in my life has ever tried to surprise me before or go out of their way to make me feel special or to spend time with ME. That thought alone means the world to me. That is a HUGE thing! I truly know how very lucky I am to have him. It is SO disappointing though cos we were THISCLOSE to being together this weekend & now...it's all snatched out from under us. :( Just like that. You don't know JUST how frustrated I am right now. It's funny, cos he TOTALLY had me fooled..well up until yesterday morning when I kind of put the pieces together myself. So when he told me I thought it was some kind of joke, cos I had it in the back of my mind. But it wasn't.

But if I dwell on those facts for the whole trip, I'm really going to have a miserable time so I guess I'll have to make the most of my weekend, and try and have fun anyway. But still..this weekend could have been so very special for us and so amazing. :( He really tried so hard. It just..sucks! That's why I am just not on the same level of excitement as before..just KNOWING that we're going to spend this weekend apart..when we could have spent it together..that I am going to experience something without him. I am SO bummed. I'm going to miss him. :( He knows though that I'm going to call him from Tampa.

As I said, I have to try my best to put it out of my mind this weekend, but just knowing he'll be home..alone..it just makes me feel worse. I want to be with him sooo badly!!! But..it's going to happen soon enough. It just wasn't meant for us to be together THIS weekend. He's truly a wonderful person. And sometimes I just wonder what he is doing with ME, what he sees in me. :(

I mess up SO much...and consistently put my foot in my mouth on a daily basis, yet he forgives me. I wouldn't forgive me. I know I sound very hard on myself here, but I just don't THINK about what I am going to say before I say it..I speak my mind..and say the first DUMB, really LOW thing to come out of my mouth. Something that I usually don't mean, but say it in a reaction of feeling hurt or being too sensitive. And it always hurts the person I am saying it to. And then I beat myself up over hurting the person and get all emotional and feel SO terrible after I realize what I had just said. I hate that aspect about myself. I nag, and I nag constantly. I annoy my own self at times. I would love to think that Nate is lucky to have me, but at times I don't think that is true.

I don't know..I just feel so worthless sometimes..so undeserving of love. Oh well, I'll snap out of it. I have to stop putting these enormous guilt trips upon myself. But anyhow, we'll make it through this weekend..just like we've made it through everything else in the nearly 20 months we've been a couple.

Besides getting ready for the trip and everything, not much is happening. I spoke on my mom's new phone last night..I kinda like it. It's going to take some time to get used to but it's a nice phone. Well, I'm going to go and amuse myself until Nate comes online. This will be my last update until Monday. I'll be returning home sunday night most likely. Have a great weekend All!! <3333

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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