In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Hi ya! I don't normally like doing this whole 'two entries in one day' sort of deal, but I feel I'll just be too freaking DEAD in the morning to want to type up an entry so I'm doing it now. Yeah, I know some of you are prolly groaning right now. That's ok, you don't have to like me, it's fine. :) I'll survive. My cats love me..they are loyal to the end! Meow! (Ok, time to check me into an institution..)

My TV is malfunctioning! I am only getting 27 channels and more than HALF are totally gone and just have no reception. My mom's calling the cable company tomorrow to find out just what the heck is up. I might need a new TV. :) Because of it, I've been insanely bored and resorting to watching Coyote Ugly, and all kinds of stuff on MTV such as Cribs, Gauntlet, Music Videos, and TRL. The Nanny, And 100 Juiciest Hollywood Hookups on E. I made my soup today..mmm delish! =D I finished Cosmo, good shtuff..edumucation for my soul..yeah, right..sexual edumucation is more like it..haha. I heard that Michelle Branch got robbed last night? What's up with that?? Damn haters! Oh, and No Doubt's new video kicks some major bootay!!! Great song too, though it's a cover. Gwen is so fabulous! I am really looking forward to her solo stuff.

Wonder Years is the best damn show in this universe! Today's episode just had me all emotional and heartbroken..or maybe it's just from the damned hormones? Which can be the reason of why I get intense hot flashes/chills. I can't even stop the way I feel, it just flows out furiously and I can't help it, which I hate. I'm relinquishing control which is scary! I promised Nate I would stop being so stubborn and actually do something about it instead of ranting and raving, and I will. I want to have the best possible time with him in December, I don't want anything to get in the way of that..Good news..we'll be together a little over three weeks. =D..instead of the original a little under 3 weeks so that brings a smile to Stacey's face. Yeah!

Well, since my advice seems to not be working wonders at this moment I need a fall back plan..hummm..what else do I think I'm good at..I don't know. That's the bad part, I'd love to just take something I'm good at and run with it but what do you do when you're not good in too many areas and what little you ARE good at is not working out? Hmm. I just feel like an idiot at times. Like, there will always be someone smarter than me, prettier, a better writer..but that's life and you just do the best with that your talents and gifts are and what's handed down to you. What do you do when your best just isn't good enough? Do you try harder? I've tried hard enough. When you have to work TOO hard and are not getting results it = frustration, and for me, giving up.

Anyways, I saw Sting on Oprah today and I just have a totally new appreciation for him. I like his music, I don't LOVE it but he's an incredibly amazing human being..it's like he's superhuman, just on another universe or level completely from the rest of us. Spiritually he's at a place I can only get to in my dreams, he has so much knowledge that I fear I'll never acquire and I'm just in awe. I'm in awe too of the love he and his wife share..I don't think I've ever seen a bond so strong. They are connected in an extremely intimate, deeply personal way that it just blows me away.

I just think the giving of yourself is the ultimate committment. I don't even mean that in terms of just sex, I mean just giving pieces of yourself away, like your heart..knowing somewhere deep down that they will hold it and cherish it is just a beautiful thing. If they break it, they break it but the experience is the golden ticket. Love doesn't have to make sense, it just makes you feel whole. If you're too afraid to face the bad, you'll never get to the good..and there's a good and bad to everything, everything has it's time and purpose. And I LOVE good old fashioned love for one, because I've always hated being alone. Hell, I can't even go out into public by myself. Maybe I am just afraid to face me..who knows.

I think I'm just so mentally burnt out is because I focus intently so much energy on wanting everyone to be happy with me and for everyone to just want to be my friend..and I need to cut it out cos I'll never please the world, and trying to is going to wear me out till there's nothing left of me. In a perfect world, everyone would like me, and everyone would get along but it's so far from a perfect world. So that's done and over with. It's a game I don't want to play. I know in life people will always piss each other off, and what not because no human being is a perfect person. I really just hate trying so hard to be friends with someone when they want nothing to do with me, when nothing I say matters and they dislike me even more for it. I hate the feeling of giving entirely too much and in return getting diddly squat. Again, frustrating.

Well, I'm gonna go lye down, finish watching Coyote Ugly and then go to bed. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, oh at least, 500 times!! I wanted to watch Real World but I really need my rest right now. So have a great night guys and know that if you're on my list, that you're special to me, that I love you..I'm still going to wish some of you felt that I am special too, and it will hurt me in a way but I will rise above it and move on, wish you the best, and hope you have a nice life. I wish all of you the best in life always, wherever life's journey takes you. Night night!!

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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