In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Song: Think Twice by Eve 6

Hello! Well, I'm back..I now have stuff to talk about. I've come to a conclusion..I am depressed. I think I've known that, but I've kept it an unconscious level, I suppressed it and stuffed it away, thinking that if I did that, it wouldn't be true, but it just might be. I don't know if it's a mild depression, but you know you're depressed when you're tired all the time, you drown your feelings in food, when you cry all the time for no reason, when only a few things can make you smile, basically when you have the motivation for absolutely nothing. I'm glad I'm dealing in a healthy way..that I don't turn to scissors or anything, or hit the bottle.

I know I've hit rock bottom..hell, I cried myself to sleep before. I looked pathetic..just lying there on the couch, sleeping at THREE in the afternoon, with drool all over my face..lol. Life in itself is just SO hard, and I am having trouble dealing with it all. I just feel under enormous amounts of pressure, but basically I've only done that for myself. I'm so quick when things get rough to just try to claw my way out of it..to just want to bury my problems..whether it be in music, food, whatever to just forget about it. But I can't block it out..I need to deal with it all. I am sick of running away, all I do is turn my back on everything, just wishing it will go away, but it won't..it will be there to haunt me, to taunt me. And maybe, like I've been saying, I am just isolating me.

I always make myself out to be the victim..oh poor me..everything is going wrong, when I am sure lots of people have it worse than me. I don't feel mature, I don't feel stable..I feel absolutely stuck. The only emotion I feel right now is sadness, everything else is just numbness. Me and Nate had a talk today, a very emotional talk where he had stuff to get out, I had stuff to get out and it was emotionally exhausting. We're ok and all but right now I just feel HOT, I feel lonely, I feel miserable, my stomach hurts..I just want to crawl into a hole, dig myself a home in there and stay there and have nothing to worry about. My mom feels like a failure, because I don't listen to her..and I honestly feel like she feels that way because I have failed MYSELF in a way.

Honestly, the ONLY goods thing in my life are Nate, and you guys and other than that..I have nothing. I don't know how to handle responsibility..and that is one aspect about growing up, accepting responsibility and how can I possibly say I am growing up when I can't even come to grips with doing that? Even something so easy, I just feel like I can't do it, and I psyche myself out everytime. I have no motivation, no confidence, and I realize I am only fucking myself up, and me and Nate's future up. I ALWAYS bitch about how much I hate being here, yet I am doing NOTHING to get myself out of here. Complaining won't help, I need to do something about what I am complaining about. I'm sick of squirming, of sinking and not swimming, of letting fear overtake me. I don't want to live a meaningless life, I want to live an AMAZING life. I need a job, just something to start out with to accumulate some money.

It's like I am my own worst enemy, and I really do have NO ONE to blame but ME, because I've created this for myself. My mom bitches at me, yet I realize it's because I am doing nothing for myself. I am just waiting to be taken away, to just be with Nate but right now I feel like I'm EXISTING rather than LIVING. Without Nate in my life, I'd probably just give up on things..because he constantly pushes me, and he constantly encourages me and provides me with strength. Within him, with his love..I'm everything. He's the best thing to ever grace my world. And I am EXTREMELY grateful for him. I'm just so very weak, I'm not strong like I thought I was.

I want to make something of my life, of myself, doing the best with my abilities yet I say that and then I think that I just won't be able to cut it..and then Nate told me that if I don't find work by the second week of november, we can forget about december and that hurts, and it scares me because I honestly think that is the only thing I have to look forward to in the next few months and the fact that that might not even be an option for us because of ME, just makes me disappointed in myself, I feel like I've let everyone down. He's going to get a job, and I fucken hate the fact that I am not helping, only due to my lack of ambition..in other words, laziness. And the last thing I want is for december to be messed up. I NEED to see him then, and we definitely need money for not just then, for when we live together..so with that..you think it would motivate me..but it hasn't yet and I don't know why. But I do want to be with him SO bad. And it WILL motivate me, I just need an extra push. He's EVERYTHING..he's my heart, he's my love..he's the one I will stand by, and the one I will never leave.

My mom is feeling miserable, she's sick and just emotionally crappy, so we just had this huge ass fight, and it seems like nothing is changing for either of us. She's still in the same predicament she was in, she's still married to that asshole, he's still giving her grief, and no one really gives two shits about anyone here. There's no love, and I haven't heard the words "I love you" being uttered to me in about a decade. i'm still sitting here, doing absolutely nothing with myself when I can be out, making something of my life. I don't know, something needs to change. I can't go on like this..I'm just so pathetic, she's so pathetic..we're just pretty much not even helping each other..we're using our words to hurt each other, to scream and I just tune it out with the radio yet sometimes I see that she's right. All I know is I NEED to get out of here as soon as possible, I need to be with Nate and I need to do SOMETHING to make that move along quicker and so our future can happen. I just can't be put through this anymore..wondering what my dad is going to say to bring me down, wondering just what my mom is going to do, waiting for the inevitable shit hitting the fan.

I HATE being depressed..it's not who I am. I don't WANT to be miserable, I want to believe the best, I want to be optimistic, I usually am hopeful and I guess in time I will be but I need to make a conscious effort to change, to grow up..to take on responsibility, to not want to quit when I feel like I can't cope with something..and to just not be an ostrich. I need to stop, because I don't want to exist..I don't want to end my life, I want to live it..I just don't want to be in this situation anymore and I have to tell myself and actually go out and TRY and make things happen for me, to make things better. I do feel like in some ways, i've matured a LOT and in other ways, I am just a child in an 18 year old's body. (I think I will harp on that more tomorrow).

I can't make excuses anymore for myself, I can't keep letting my past affect who I am now and I can't let life pass me by while I sit there day after day wondering what the hell just happened. I am not a victim, and i can't keep acting like one. I wondered to Nate, well asked Nate if we're all here to be tortured because life is so hard, yet life can be overcomed..obstacles can be overcomed with faith, and hope and with just trust that everything's going to be ok in the end, yet we all need to make things happen for ourselves and can't leave everything up to chance, and destiny, and fate. Yes, life is a struggle, it's unfair, it's NOT easy but we all just have to tough it out..including me and I guess that's when the reward and breakthrough will come.

So, these are the conclusions I've come to and I am going to hopefully stop shielding myself from experiences, from things I don't want to hear or face, but I will face them head on and I will come out strong from going through all of this because you can't get to the heaven, unless you go through the hell. I'll be ok. :)

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

<< �� >>