In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

"Love is a mixture of Heaven and Hell, happiness and sadness, tears and laughter, and most of all... me and you."

Song: Man in the mirror by M Jackson..[If you want to make the world a better place..take a look at yourself and then make the change..well said Mike].

Hey! First of all..I decided to reverse the order of the quote for the day, and put it before the song I'm listening to, just for a change.

This weekend..let's see..it's been a mixture of tears, intense love, happiness, boredom. I never thought ALL that could happen in ONE weekend, but nevertheless, life threw me a curveball.

I wasn't going to even update today, actually I was, but to just say I'd be on hiatus. But I've been sitting here staring at "Add an entry" and realized there are some things I must get out on here, or I will be sent to an insane asylum.

It seems my last day of "updation" as I'd like to call it was Friday, so let me fill you guys in on some events. Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you just want it to END, but it seems to be dragging on forever ?? Yep, that was Friday for me. My mom decided to take it upon herself and completely wreck my day, and any thoughts I had of it being a semi decent day.

Ok, so we are driving around..because there's literally NOTHING to do around here, she told me we were going to go home..of course, I got sort of moody and started complaining under my breath about the boredom factor of this state. Then she said "Well bored people..WORK.." Geez, I could take a hint.

So we got into this HUGE out brawl, where she felt it was needed to tell me off about EVERY single one of my short comings and idiosycrancies. What I got out of the whole conversation was..let's see..let me break it down for ya'll..

I'm a failure. Loser. Worthless. I'm wasting my life away. I won't do anything with my life. Those phrases just kept coming up over and over and over. I'm too dependent on her, and I've been sheltered my whole life because she's done everything for me. I'm such a bad kid. She doesn't know how in her terms she got "stuck with me." I'm the cream of shit. I can give advice greatly, but can't take it.

Let's see..what else..I'm emotionally immature. I have no self esteem because I don't have a job. Everyone else my age has a job. Did I mention everyone else my age has a job? Yep, I thought so. I'm still a kid inside. I need to grow up..no wait, was it I need to throw up because that's what I felt like doing at that exact moment. I'm very difficult. I am stuck in a comfort zone where I don't want to try new things. Fear is what's lurking behind why I hardly have any experiences.

There's more..[thinks]..I'm lazy. I'm just existing, and I can die if I want..[how lovely..isn't that what every child wants their parent to say to them?]. Mainly summed up..I am the "problem child." Excuse me, not child..adult in 3 months and it's time I started using responsibility, and being an adult.

I'll give her this..there was some truth to those things. YET in her first grade, fucked up mentality she feels that if she makes me feel like I will never amount to anything that I am going to bust my ass, try sooo hard to make her proud, and myself proud. The phrase of the day that made me laugh was "It's time to get a job..start driving again..and fucking grow yourself a new set of balls." [SHOCKED..but mom..I don't HAVE balls]. Lol. *shakes head*

I just told her that I need some time to relax. Trying to sound all psychologist like she told me to write down a list of things I like about myself first, and then I'll be motivated to get a job. Right. I told her that I need a month to see what I'm going to do as far as a job, and think it out. She doesn't understand why I'm afraid to get a job. Hello?! I'm afraid of failing..everyone is..but I know if I don't get out there and try I'm not going to know what i'm capable of. God, I sound like a freakin' after school special. Someone shoot me. lol.

But anyway, I really don't think her knocking me down a few notches and trying to make me feel as shitty about my life, as she feels about herself and her own life is going to bring about any results what-so-ever. *Shrugs.* And how the fuck is working going to give me self-worth, or driving for that matter? I need to find that from within..as a smart person told me. ;)

My mom then brought out some more of her wonderful pearls of wisdom and said a lot of people don't know what they want to do, but they start out small in what she calls "crap jobs." I told her that she really doesn't care what happens to me, which she really doesn't. Yes, I see she doesn't want me sitting at home for the rest of my life, picking my ass..no wait, just sitting at home forever, and wants me to make something of myself, yet the words she uses, and how she tries to convey her point makes no sense at all. I know it's time to start doing things for myself. My mom after all is not going to be around my entire life. Yet! I have done plenty on my own, and have had to pretty much learn a lot of what I know now, on my own because my Lovely parents never felt the need to sit around and teach me anything about life.

Of course, me being ms sensitive..cried. It all got to me. I vowed to myself when I was younger, that when I turn 13..no more crying because I cried through most of my childhood. Yet, she brought me to tears..well doh..she made me feel like crap. I now FEEL worthless thanks to her. Does she think I LIKE sitting around, making a nothing of myself and staying still when everyone else is moving forward with a job, college, and what not?! Of course I don't like it. I'm just not ready. She told me I'll "know when I'm ready." I wonder what's going to happen..is a green light going to go off in my head? Sheesh. I just want to be a kid. Everything was so happy and carefree then. Maybe that's why I love kids so much? Because I want to be one again. There's no depression for them, no days where they just feel like they don't want to be around anymore..they don't know that stuff. Their world just has this bubble around it. All they know is what they are taught. They know nothing of the world, and some of the pains of it. It's just so much easier for them.

I just need a period of time where I can deal with all these changes. In a way, getting out of school scared the shit out of me, because I now need to act my age, and do things people my age would. I don't have school to hold me back. I know what I want to do, yet I'm so fucking scared. I guess it's time pretty soon to get out of my comfort zone, to try something new..that's why I'm soo fickle, and get bored with things so easily, because I stick with the known, what's familiar, what's always been good to me, not going out on a limb and taking that leap of faith.

Confidence doesn't drive me..fear does. When I'm good and ready, which I figured out must be sometime next month, I have to get myself together. As my dad said last night.."I better figure things out soon." Gee thanks father, I didn't know that. I will. I know I'm going to make a good life for myself, no matter what my mom thinks.

Well anyway, as I was crying more..my aunt came up to talk to us. It turns out we were going to have lunch. The lunch was Ok. I was relatively quiet as I ate my turkey sandwhich, pickle, and potato chips. Then we went to the 99 cent store, then drove around aimlessly to find some crackass flea market, with hardly any cars around, and a bunch of old people. Fun times..huh? She took me to where my cousin lives, just to see the apartments. Then we came home. Because this state rocks..*coughs..NOT* Oh yes, with my mom's permission, I may move to Manhattan where I can hang out with as she so eloquently calls them.."a bunch of lowlifes and pimps." So I said "Fine mom." God, just get me the hell out of here. Next year, I'm gonna be gone from this shit hole.

I'm just so miserable here..so miserable without my lover..the one person who can turn a bad day, into one of the single most best days of my entire life. That's just what he did. Just talking to him online, then later on the phone is exactly what I needed. He makes me feel so alive!!! He completes me in a way I never knew before, makes me feel like I can do anything. He understands me. He listens to me when I just need to vent. This is how I know I can spend my entire life with him..because this is real..it's everlasting. It's good, pure, and true. It just gives me the chills. Ah. He's my world. <3 I Love You!!

Well yesterday, hmm..no tears, no sadness, no bad stuff..just complete and utter boredom. In maybe an act of karma??..my mom didn't feel well so we didn't do jack shit. Getting out of bed yesterday was an accomplishment all in itself..lol. Me and the evil woman were supposed to go to the beach. Oh Well. Me and my best friend/lover talked online for a bit, till he told me he was tired and I made him go to sleep. Then I watched some pointless tv shit, and me and my dad went out for dinner. The dinner was Ok. At least my dad didn't completely get on my case. And I got to go for a spin in his new wheels. :) Sweet. He told me about my grandfather. It turns out that he MIGHT be released from the hospital tomorrow, but when he gets home he has to be on a special diabetic diet and like I've been saying, he can't be alone. So, this should be interesting.

Afterwards, we went home and me and my bunny talked once again for a little over three hours. It was so nice. God, he just completely gets me. It's amazing. There are moments where I can feel him by my side, feel him holding my hand, feel his presence. I can hear him just talk for hours. He makes me laugh..which is SO important. Laughter is one of the key components to getting through life. If you have a sense of humor, you've got pretty much everything. It gets you through the hard times, it makes a bad day not seem so bad. We just totally balance each other out. He's just a dream to me, the perfect person. I'm one lucky chick to be able to say that I am going to be with him forever. : )

I essentially have the house to myself tomorrow. My dad's going to be here sleeping, my mom's going to be out doing stuff for her business. Hella cool. Hopefully I can get my tush over to Block Buster today and get my video rental on. (: *smiles*.

Today..who knows..it will probably be a repeat of yesterday. I'm still hacking up all kinds of good shtuff. Like you guys need to know about that..lol. Things are just turning to crap over here..the freaking toilet in this room's breaking down, the hinges of a cabinet in the kitchen snapped..causing it to be all wobbly. *sighs* this house is doomed..cursed I tell you. I cruised through a new low of boredom yesterday and did some surveys if you want to check that out..just me gettin' my ramble on as usual.

Wow..this entry has been WAY too long..so I am going to go eat, and call up 1 800-Get me a better life please..lol. Bringing me to a banner I saw here at Ghetto Land..no, Diaryland that I can completely relate to.Some people have a bad day, others have a bad week. Me, I'm having a bad life.

If you made it THIS far..I congratulate you, give you a pat on the back and thank you. (: I'm out. Peace..Before I do go..Sweetie..Ri Rove Rou!! Hope everyone's havin a great weekend. Ya'll come back now, ya heard???!!!

UPDATE: 10:16 AM..I'm goin out with the biatch to get my dad something for father's day. Peace out folks, homies, dawgs.

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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