In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~Janos Arany~

Hi everyone. Well, I know that I haven't updated for a couple of days but there are reasons for that. I just don't feel much up to writing anymore really. I can't get out what I want to say..I'm finding it increasingly difficult. And right now, I'm just tired so if this entry makes no sense..my tiredness can be blamed..lol.

Nate did an entry basically explaining everything that we did each day..perhaps I will do one too but for now, you can read his. I feel like my writing is not what it used to be..it's the worst feeling when the one thing you can always count on becomes to you the one thing that's not around anymore, that you're not good at. I'm contemplating just not writing anymore but deep within my heart, I know that's not what I really want. I'm still really saddened by the fact that I had to leave him. Each and everyday it becomes harder to grasp than the last. It's like days seem to go by in slow motion, just dragging on and on when I really want them to be over..and they flew by when we were together. I wish that time could just stand still..that my time with him would never have had to come to an end.

I hate being alone!!! Even now typing this, I'm starting to cry again. I feel like I am spiraling into some kind of depression. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. I'm so miserable. I'm not happy, at all. I was when I was there, now I'm not. It feels like it was viciously taken away from me. Things around here too haven't been at there greatest..not much has changed since i've been gone really. They fight, my mom's moody, etc. It's been tension filled, you can cut it all with a knife. I hate it here. It's hell. They are being pricks at times but that's pretty much what I expected. However, my mom was nice enough to send out a package for them just for being so nice to me while I was there. We've gone out for birthday dinners for my mom and all that..i've seen my family and hung out with them but nothing is making me happy right now. The only thing that would make me happy is spending time with my bunny.

I'm thankful and grateful though that we got to spend those two weeks together..those two beautiful, amazing weeks where we grew closer than ever before. Every moment was a dream come true. And now the dream is over, and reality has taken it's place and man..reality is a cold, harsh thing.

We got to do so many things those two weeks..a lot about those two weeks was a 'first' for me..I'm glad I got the chance and the opportunity to experience everything I did..and most importantly to experience those things with him. It just made it all the more better. I will never, ever forget those times we shared together. They were so special. This distance has really taken a toll on us lately, but we know that our love can overcome anything and that we just have to work at it.

As for pictures and all of that, Nate explained that in his entry. Hopefully some will be up soon. I'm still getting used to being here, but I think it will take a while. I know that I have to look for a job soon and all that.

My mom liked her b-day presents..we had a cake for her, we've gone bowling, out to Miami, I've unpacked, read, watched a movie, talked to Nate and that's pretty much it really. We've been reminscing about our time together..talking about stuff that we miss about being together. And grrr everytime we reflect on that stuff, I feel like crying all over again. Thinking about the good times we had helps, but yet it makes me long for those times more and more all over again.

Right now are just the toughest times. Words can't describe what we're going through right now and my own private hell that I speak about, but you guys only know bits and pieces about. Sure, my family and I have had good times, laughed, smiled, talked..but I don't feel like me. I feel incomplete. I need my tiger (new name for Nate) by my side, always. I feel so lost..like a part of me has died and until you leave the one you love, you'll probably never experience that feeling. I don't wish it upon anyone.

I never, EVER want to re-live the day I had to say goodbye to my baby. Ugh. I don't want to think about it, like I said thinking about it just dredges up the effect it's having on me. Sure, some of you might think i'm being dramatic but this is truly and honestly the way I am feeling right now. It may scare some of you to see me talking this way, but I don't want to put on an act.

I know i'll be fine..it's just gonna take some time, is all. I have to keep saying to myself that we will be together again soon, it's the only thing getting me through everyday.

But yeah, I've pretty much gone through every feeling the last few days that one can think of. Thanks for your notes and love while I was away, I know I've said this before but it really was one of the few things I was happy to come home to. Whether I'm happy about being here right now or not, I just have to make the most of it until I'm with my love again. Loneliness sucks..so to take my mind off of it, i'm just trying to spend as much time as possible out with my family, though sometimes I want nothing more than to sit at home and process my thoughts.

Wow, for someone who doesn't feel like writing anymore..this entry ended up a lot longer than I expected..lol. I guess I'm just going through a writer's block or perhaps being lazy. I'm right now thinking about whether or not to write about the events I didn't cover after we came back from vegas. I will let you all know when I come to a decision. For now, this is how I feel and why I haven't updated lately. I'm going to go now..I'm talking to Nate and he deserves my full attention.

Maybe I will write again soon, no promises though. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! <3 you guys. *waves*

Happy New Year!!! - 2005-01-01
new update @ LJ. - 2004-12-01
christmas card... - 2004-11-28
update on LJ - 2004-11-18
Happy Halloween!!!! - 2004-10-31

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